Who Am I?

 I have to be reminded that I'm not the person I used to be by looking at the behavior of that person.  Sometimes it makes me uncomfortable if I do it honestly.  As I say often: one of the biggest gifts in my recovery has been the direction to relentlessly scour situations for my part in things.  A verifiable tendency of the human brain is to dis-remember and then re-remember a memory in a way that allows us to stay true to who we are now.  I might forget a sexist comment I made when I was a teenager because it doesn't jibe with the reality of who I am today - a dude without a sexist bone in my body. The story from the Big Book we read today was written by a gay guy.  There is not doubt that when Alcoholics Anonymous was getting started it was open to everyone . . . as long as you were a professional, middle-aged, straight Christian white male.  If not, well, hmmmm, maybe this isn't for you?

Thinking and drinking and clicking the TV remote.  I'm a great thinker.  I think great thoughts.

I was walking through downtown after the meeting when I ran into one of my friends - he was waiting for his ex-wife to drop off his kids and his ex was late and he was steamed.  I let him steam for a minute until he started to run out of steam.  If you're upset about something and you believe that you're thinking like a competent adult before you do anything about what you're steamed about and before you say anything about it to a different adult you should at least say the words you're thinking out loud to yourself.  Watching my friend deflate was like listening to the air in an overly full balloon escape.  Lot of noise at the start which starts to lose momentum before trickling out with a pathetic blat.  I know the feeling when I'm listening to my own self and thinking simultaneously: "I sound like a crazy person."