True Friends, Real Relationships

I was friends in Cincinnati with a man who got sober in Youngstown, OH.  Alcoholics Anonymous had a big presence in New York but it was really in the Cleveland-Akron-Youngstown triangle that it flourished and spread.  As a general rule people from that area are pretty cocky about their particular flavor of 12 Step recovery, in a very good-natured manner.  They're not saying for sure that their way is the best but you can see the knowing twinkle in their eyes from a mile away when they tell you where they got sober.

So I was listening to my buddy talk and disagreeing with the content.  Because he's a good friend I felt comfortable speaking my mind, unsolicited, if I don't agree with him, especially when it's something I feel strongly about.  I prefaced my remarks with the standard line I use when I'm about to take someone's inventory but don't want to be blamed for weighing in on how someone else should live their life: "I don't mean to take your inventory but . . . "  (It's the " but" that gives it away.)  He interrupted me: "Take my inventory!  Please, take my inventory!  If I'm acting like an ass or an idiot let me know so I can stop.  I spent my whole drinking life around people who let me act like an ass and an idiot without saying anything."

This struck me as a great truth about my relationships with people who are my friends  -how I prefer these relationships to be.  My friends can say anything that they want to me without feeling like the friendship might be damaged.  That's what friendship is.  If I have to walk on eggshells then it's not much of a relationship.

I spoke with Willie this morning about an issue in his family life.  I really didn't agree with his stance but I didn't interrupt or yell - I listened patiently because when I quit thinking about what I want to say then I can hear what someone else is saying, and hopefully now and then learn something.  THEN I interrupted.  Seriously, I did explain my somewhat contradictory point of view about the matter - turns out he agrees with me, anyway - without being judgemental or belittling.  His family will do what's best for themselves which is what they should do.  I didn't insist that they follow my viewpoint and he didn't say that they would.  It was some friendly advice.  That's all.  I don't know what they should do.  He probably doesn't, either.