Jeebus, the Dee Lama, and Will W.

 Bill W on spirituality and Alcoholics Anonymous: "Let us not pressure anyone with our individual or even our collective views.  In our meeting people from all walks of life come together with a common purpose.  Some members return to their religious roots, others find different spiritual paths.  And many find this 'God of their understanding,' yet never become involved with organized religion.  Still others make the group their higher power."

Ahhh, the God Problem or the God Thing, problematic for many, fatal for some, a great salvation for most.  It's nice to have a working God; you know - a God who can get shit done, who comes through in a pinch, not being someone who sounds good but helps not at all.  Free reign, here, to do whatever feels right to you.

And the Dee Lama chimes in again: "Avoid mentally neglecting the welfare of even one being.  Treat all beings with respect.  In essence, think again and again, 'May I become able to help all beings.' "

Apparently very few of us - alcoholic or not -  pay attention to this Other People thing because the Dee Ell is quite persistent in saying the same thing over and over again, repeating himself, making the exact same point multiple times, reminding us now and later and then a little later still and once more right at the very end.

And straight out of the Bible here's Jeebus himself: "Don't act out of selfish ambition or be conceited.  Instead humbly think of others as being better than yourselves.  Don't be concerned only about your own interests, but also be concerned about the interests of others."

C'mon: Jeebus, the Dee Lama, and Willy W., all in one post?  That's a fearsome threesome right there, all saying the same thing.

Festering

 The Dali L. has this to say this morning:  "Admire from the depths of the heart your own virtues and those of others.  Take joy in the good things you have done in this and previous lives, thinking, 'I have done something good!' "

It makes me think about how alcoholics - masters of the extreme - whipsaw between refusing to admit any faults when drinking to accepting our part in every bad thing that has happened in the world, forever.  How often I've heard stories of sponsors reminding the sponsored to add in the good things that we've done and to forgive ourselves, too.  We haven't been good actors but we aren't monsters, either.

And a man named William Bolitho chimed in from the pages of my daily meditation book: "The most important thing in life is not to capitalize on your gains.  Any fool can do that.  The really important thing is to profit from your  losses."

Reminds me of the probably apocryphal story of a sponsor telling me: "Seaweed, any idiot can be happy when he's getting what he wants."  I'm pretty sure I made that up.  As previously noted I never let the truth  get in the way of a good story.   But it is easy to see the profit in what we gain, but is not so easy to see the profit in what we lose.  How can we change so that we see profits from the end of a relationship, the loss of a job, or the estrangement from family?  I rarely make significant changes in my being when I'm getting what I want.  I cruise.  I slide by.  And sometimes I fester.

Other People

 "Selfishness always aims at creating around it an absolute uniformity of type.  Unselfishness recognizes infinite variety of type as a delightful thing, accepts it, acquiesces in it, enjoys it."  Oscar Wilde.

I need to remember this the next time some asshole is doing something that is irritating me.  To be truly unselfish I must be able to enjoy the differences in others.  When I do delight in the variety of people around me, then I feel like I've achieved some true unselfishness, rid of the idea that my way is the best way, the only way.

Spake the Buddha: "You are a minority of one.  It is easy to see that the vast number of sentient beings hoping for happiness and seeking an end to suffering are more important than any one person.  It is therefore eminently reasonable for you to commit yourself to the welfare of innumerable others, to use your body, speech, and mind for their good, and to abandon an attitude of just taking care of yourself."

Other people?  Other people?!  There are other people out there?  Hello?  Hello?

Admittance Only

Unmanageable:  Difficult or impossible to manipulate or control.                                                            Admit:  Confess to be true, typically with reluctance. 

Admitted that we were powerless over alcohol   (wait for it . . . wait for it . .  )  that our lives had become unmanageable.

Have you seen the ending of "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid?"  The two of them are shot up bad, taking temporary refuge in a shot up saloon, reloading, talking witty shit, working on one more stupid, unworkable, idiotic plan while the rest of us can see hundreds of armed soldiers taking positions on every building in the square.  It's over.  The end is clearly visible to everyone but the two guys whose lives are unmanageable.  That's how I feel today when I'm trying to reason with someone who hasn't come to grips with the unmanageability part.  That's how they felt trying to reason with me.  I knew it to be true but I wasn't ready to admit it.

From the A.A. pamphlet A.A. for alcoholics with mental health issues: "The whole idea of being 'restored to sanity' was confusing and irritating to me until I finally accepted that working the Steps was not going to fix my mental illness.  That is because my mental illness is not a character defect.  It is not spiritual in nature.  Like alcoholism and other addictions, mental illness also tells us that we don't have it."

I also like this Buddhist reminder of the true nature of spirituality: "People who are not Buddhists - Christians, Jews, Moslems, and so forth - can generate an other-concerned attitude of equal value by thinking: 'I will bring about help and happiness for all beings.' "  No judgement.  No right or wrong.  What can I do to be of service to someone else today.

Families . . . Grrrrrr

 I've been meditating for 35 years and I suck at it.  There's a lot of noise in my head and the voices are insistent.  It's not even that they're malignant voices any more, just insistent ones.  Look here, look there, how about this, what about that!  Brains are made for thinking and they're going to get their two cents in.  And get busy!  Be productive!  Do something, do anything!

More about the holidays . . .  The holidays are often overrated and frequently inconvenient and usually a pain in the ass.  SuperK's family members are psychotic to a person and my family is nice to your face while simultaneously making you feel bad about yourself.  Her family is a sledgehammer and mine is a scalpel.  Neither is particularly pleasant.  None of these people are evil, malignant presences but they're not that great to hang out with, either.  I realize there are some really awful families and that there are some really wonderful families and all levels in-between; but I also think there are plenty of families like ours.  Not that bad and not that great but how about you just leave me alone?  That kind of dynamic.

Semantic Satiation

 "A great obstacle to happiness is to expect too much happiness."  Fontenelle

Who knows what happiness really is?  Like love, happiness can't really be defined.  Happiness really comes from within.  If we feel a sense of contentment, peace, or joy, then we can bet we're feeling some form of happiness.  As long as we're satisfied with that happy feeling, then we'll feel happiness.  It's when we expect happiness to feel differently that we'll lose our happy feelings.  A guy shared a story once about complaining to his sponsor that he was bored.  "I think what you're feeling is contentment," was his reply.  I know personally that when I spend a lot of time chasing happiness I end up disillusioned.  

Semantic Satiation:  A phenomenon whereby the uninterrupted repetition of a word eventually leads to a sensation that the word has lost its meaning.

I can't say "Happiness" right now without feeling a little weirded out.

Somniloquoy:  Talking in your sleep.  There's no reason to add this definition right now but it's a new word for me that I think is pretty cool.  It's also the name of a song by a heavy metal band called The Dead Eyes.  That's a pretty cool band name, too.

So sayeth the D. Lama:  "Make a lasting, fully reasoned decision - unshakeable by circumstance - that the welfare of so many others is far greater than your own.  From now on, to the full extent of your ability, stop concentrating on your  own welfare and commit yourself deeply to the advancement of all beings."

Be Nice, Goddammit

 "No answer is also an answer."  Danish Proverb

God always hears us, but sometimes the answers aren't immediate or guaranteed.  Sometimes the best answer is no answer, meaning we need to stay in an uncomfortable situation a little longer.  Perhaps there is something we need to learn that can't be learned unless we find it on our own.  God is probably omnipotent.  God definitely has a lot on his plate.  It's great when we turn to our Higher Power for answers but . . . c'mon . . . do we really expect the picayune crap we're praying about to be at the top of God's list?  Instead of asking for shit I want or to be relieved from the onus of shit I don't want how about being grateful for the shit I already got?  In my life there are so many examples of wishes that cannot actually be achieved but are there for the sake of me developing strong will and determination.  Grow, goddammit!

The Buddha says that compassion is the key to achieving a deeper level of morality.  He then asks why do we think we can help others when we ourselves are beset by wrong attitudes?  To paraphase: if we want to bring about the complete happiness of others it's necessary to become personally  enlightened.  We need to develop this altruistic intention.  We need to aspire to enlightenment.  Obviously I'm never going to get there and that's okay.  Just head in that direction.

Or in Alcoholics Anonymous speak: "What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.  Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities."  

See how consistent spirituality is?  All I have to remember is that my higher calling is to not be an asshole today.

It's Not Me - It's Them

 "Those of us who continually strive for perfection may find we place incredible demands upon ourselves to do everything right.  The perfectionist in us is always looking for right, but we'll never find it.  There really is no right way or wrong way to do anything.  It's whatever way we choose."

My way is the right way.  Let's just get that out of the way.

"We can learn much from our past.  We can use our past as a jumping-off point for our present way of living.  We can look away from the negatives of the past and choose not to imitate or perpetuate such negativity."

I can assure you this: you will be unsuccessful in any and all of your attempts to change the past.

"The Program teaches us to look inward at ourselves, not outward at the effects of the universe.  Tonight we can look inward and survey the feelings we have.  We can choose to keep them, or let them go."

I'm gonna keep 'em.  And I'm going to look outward.  At you.  Yeah, at you.  I know where the problem is and it's not with me.

Big Splash Guy

Morality:  A set of personal or social standards for good and bad behavior and character. 

Good morning, Dalai Lama . . .  .

"Care about others at all times.  If you cannot help others,  do no harm.  This is the essential meaning of the practice of morality."

Personally, this sounds like my advice to others: "Try not to be an asshole today."  If you can't be nice, don't be an asshole.  As I've said before I set my own personal ethics bar pretty low.  I've found it interesting that while there are differences in how people see right and wrong most of us can agree on the general tenor and tone of morality.

I've mentioned an A.A. big sister who noted how I handled my cancelled trip fiasco and the A.A. daughter who came back into town and broke away from a group of women with whom she was talking to come over and give me a hug and the A.A. grandaughter who wants me to meet her family when they come to visit over the Thanksgiving holiday.  I realize I've mentioned three women here and no men.  Well, when you're a chick magnet like I am this is inevitable.  But, to show that the guys are in there as well, I have to go back to the dude I don't like all that much who has glommed onto my morning beach walk.  I think he sees something in me that he finds attractive.  And there's another guy who has sort of drifted away from his sponsor (an excellent man, BTW) due to perfectly normal circumstances of schedule, times, the intensity and particulars of work and home life, his length of sobriety, etc. and who has asked to join me a few times on the same walk.  He hasn't asked me to be his sponsor and I haven't offered but our talks are quite similar to the ones I would have with a sponsee.  You know, I'm such a Big Spash kind of guy, always  looking for . . . well . . . ways to make a Big Splash, that I can overlook these incredible little moments.

Yeah

 I'm a cross-talking son of a bitch . . . 

The dude who led the meeting today was familiar to me as a dude who came to us three or four years back, refusing to say that he was an alcoholic.  Fair enough.  You don't have to say anything you don't want to say.  You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.  When I say  "I'm an alcoholic" it's to remind me that I'm an alcoholic, not to convince anyone else.  Whether you think I'm an alcoholic or not is none of my business and concerns me not a whit.  This guy tickled me when he was getting started.  He was annoyed and his annoyance was quite apparent.  He wasn't trying to hide his annoyance.  Frankly, I'd rather deal with the annoyed member than with the new person who is having way too much fun.  If you've started coming to A.A. it means things have gotten pretty bad and it has typically been bad for way too long a time.  Don't tell me that everything's OK.  You're in a seven A.M. meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, for fuck's sake.  How good can it be?

We had about thirty-five members today so I took up my blocking position near the door to make sure no one escaped without a greeting.  A few people pause in their outward scuttling to chat for a few beats so I believe I'm doing something worthwhile.  No one took a swing at me or spit on me or anything like that.  There was no cursing.  One of my new friends stopped on the way out to ask if I was coming to the meeting next Saturday.  "Good," she said.  "I have family coming to visit and I want them to meet you."  This Program never ceases to amaze me.  I had eight years of sobriety when this woman was born.  I'm never sure what someone brand new sees when they look at old farts like me sitting there in my pork-pie hat and thrift store suit jacket.  We never know who/how/when/why we make a difference.

Scary Stories

 From Step Eight in the 12 & 12:

"We learn how to develop the best possible relations with every human being we know.  Learning how to live in the greatest peace, partnership, and brotherhood with all men and women, of whatever description, is a moving and fascinating adventure."  Here are a few of the most descriptive phrases in the text of this relatively short Step: "a twisted or broken relationship" and "since defective relations with  other human  beings have nearly always been the immediate cause of our woes, including alcoholism" and "violent emotional twists" and "instincts in collision" and "miserly, irresponsible, callous and cold" and "irritable, critical, impatient, and humorless" and . . . well, you get the point: we suck at relationships.  "The kind of harms done to others as practicing alcoholics that make living with us difficult and often unbearable."

I heard this phrase this morning: Feeding the fear.  Which wolf are you going to feed today?

Honesty is a big part of Step Eight.  I always had a good grasp on honesty as it pertained to other people, places, and things.  I was pretty aware when I was telling a lie.  I knew I wasn't telling the truth.  But being honest with myself?  That was always a lot trickier.  I had told myself scary stories for so long that I started to believe them.

Other People

 I was helped immensely early on by being forced to hear over and over stuff that was clearly crap that wouldn't work for me.  I refused to budge.  I refused to consider the fact that the crap was working for hundreds of people in my immediate vicinity.  I would purse my lips, narrow my eyes into a Clint Eastwood squint, shake my head: "Nope.  Not going to do that.  Or that."  Eventually the inevitable question: "How's everything working for you, Seaweed?"  I could never get past that question.  It was intractable.  I had to yield to the group wisdom.  Slowly and with great reluctance.

Buddha, Buddha, on the wall . . . Who's the biggest jerk of all?

Visualization techniques to help grow tolerance: "In front of you to the right, imagine another version of yourself who is a solid mass of egotistical self-centeredness.  (Ed. Note: Yeah, that's not hard to do.  What would be hard is imagining myself in any other way.)  In front of you to the left, visualize a group of poor people, including some who are destitute, needy, suffering.  Consider that we are willing to make temporary sacrifices for a long-term return.  By the same logic, it makes perfect sense for one single person to make sacrifices in order to help a larger good.  Consider your own egotistical self there at your right side, neglecting the welfare of so many.  It simply is not good  to be like this. (Ed. Note: No nuance or equivocation there.)  The point is that you yourself must serve and help other beings."

I hate other people.  Other people are the worst.

Who Am I?

 I have to be reminded that I'm not the person I used to be by looking at the behavior of that person.  Sometimes it makes me uncomfortable if I do it honestly.  As I say often: one of the biggest gifts in my recovery has been the direction to relentlessly scour situations for my part in things.  A verifiable tendency of the human brain is to dis-remember and then re-remember a memory in a way that allows us to stay true to who we are now.  I might forget a sexist comment I made when I was a teenager because it doesn't jibe with the reality of who I am today - a dude without a sexist bone in my body. The story from the Big Book we read today was written by a gay guy.  There is not doubt that when Alcoholics Anonymous was getting started it was open to everyone . . . as long as you were a professional, middle-aged, straight Christian white male.  If not, well, hmmmm, maybe this isn't for you?

Thinking and drinking and clicking the TV remote.  I'm a great thinker.  I think great thoughts.

I was walking through downtown after the meeting when I ran into one of my friends - he was waiting for his ex-wife to drop off his kids and his ex was late and he was steamed.  I let him steam for a minute until he started to run out of steam.  If you're upset about something and you believe that you're thinking like a competent adult before you do anything about what you're steamed about and before you say anything about it to a different adult you should at least say the words you're thinking out loud to yourself.  Watching my friend deflate was like listening to the air in an overly full balloon escape.  Lot of noise at the start which starts to lose momentum before trickling out with a pathetic blat.  I know the feeling when I'm listening to my own self and thinking simultaneously: "I sound like a crazy person."

Twitching and Moving and Swirling

 From the Alcoholics Anonymous pamphlet "A.A. for Alcoholics with Mental Health Issues" . . . 

"The whole idea of being 'restored to sanity' was confusing and irritating to me until I finally accepted that working the Steps was not going to fix my m:ental illness.  That is because my mental illness is not a character defect.  It is not spiritual in nature."

The leader this morning read a section from the chapter Working With Others.  The title itself should be a nice hint as to one of the key cornerstones of recovery: thinking of other people.  Wait a minute . . . I need to think about other people?  That doesn't seem like a good use of my time.

The conversation turned somewhat obliquely to the spiritual concept of stillness.  It is amazing how many of us struggle with a brain that demands constant movement, constant stimulation and activity.  Part of the attraction for me in A.A. early on was being around people who just seemed calm.  I was swirling endlessly in a buzz of mental noise.  I couldn't believe that people could stand quietly.  I was always twitching and moving and thinking.

Once again and over and over . . . No one wants my advice.  Even people who ask for my advice don't want my advice.  Most people want someone to listen to their problems and grievances, not to tell them what to do.

Wisely Selfish

 Here's the Buddha . . .  "No matter how important you may be, you are only a single person.  You have the same right to be happy as everyone else, but the difference is that you are one and they are many.  To lose the happiness of a single person is important, but not so important as losing the happiness of many other beings.  Put others first; you yourself come next.  This works even from a selfish viewpoint.  Let me explain how this is possible: you want happiness and do not want suffering, and if you show other people kindness, love and respect, they will respond in kind; this way your happiness will increase.  If you show other people anger and hatred, they will show you the same, and you will lose your  own happiness.  So I say, if you  are selfish, you should be wisely selfish."

So I'm not as important as other people.  So I should live a life dedicated to the service of others.  Hard for us flawed human beings to get our arms around this concept.  We are naturally driven by self.  I have been pondering this dichotomy in the context of the group of men that broke off from my regular morning group and started a new meeting.  For a number of reasons this really frosted my cake and the frosting went on for an uncomfortably long stretch of time, clearly revealing some significant defects in myself.  I've passed through this phase, thankfully, and I no longer harbor any resentments.  I think the personal growth for me was realizing that while I love everyone - or try to, anyway - I don't like everyone and that's normal and fine and okay.  Frankly, I could care less whether you like me or not and I'm assuming a lot of other people feel the same way.  As I continued to struggle with the issue I finally began to realize that there are some people who live a life based on principles and morals that I don't particularly respect.  I don't mean they're bad, evil people, just not my kind of people.  There's a guy at the new meeting who's been married five times.  And divorced five times.  Another guy told about confronting a homeless guy who was trespassing on his property - a huge beachfront mansion, by the way - with a pistol.  I know guys who vote for despicable candidates if they think they can get a bigger tax break . . .  the better to buy beachfront mansions, I guess.  Some of these guys are really active in A.A. and they are particularly attractive to newer guys with rougher backgrounds.  I'm not going to sit down and discuss the nuances of a foreign film festival with some dude who just got out of prison after a ten year stint for armed robbery.  I'm not judging the guy and I'm not saying I'm better than the guy or that I can't help him or he can't help me, just that he'll probably make a better personal connection with someone of a similar background.  This is only human nature.

To Thine Own Self Be True.

Making Good Use of Irritating People

 Hard times build determination and inner strength.  Through them we can also come to appreciate the uselessness of anger.  Instead of getting angry, nurture a deep caring and respect for troublemakers because by creating such trying circumstances, they provide us with invaluable opportunities to practice tolerance and patience.

I like "troublemakers" more than "enemies."  But I like "assholes" best of all.

So . . . those assholes that are getting in my way are doing me a favor . . . 

The Dalai Lama says this: "My own practice has benefited from a life of great turbulence and trouble.  You too can come to see the hardships you endure as deepening your practice."

Is it cool to tell the D.L. to go fuck himself?  Probably not but, then again, he'd probably use the comment to grow spiritually.

A woman that I've known for a good while was at the meeting yesterday.  I did not recognize her.  I find that those of us who continue to grow continue to change, including our appearance.  When I was attending meetings with her ten years ago I always liked her but thought of her as a girl, not a woman.  I don't say this disparagingly, either - I myself was a boy and not a man for the longest time.  She was on the mend from a bitterish divorce and has acquired some of that deep patience and understanding that comes from overcoming a trying circumstance.  I personally believe that our appearance changes as we grow spiritually.  I told her after the meeting that I didn't recognize her - even though she clearly knew who I was - and that this was a compliment.  It happened to me for a few years, too, and I was almost offended but clearly perplexed when someone I knew quite well didn't recognize me any more.  Today I get it.

Irritating People

 To develop the practice of compassion to its fullest extent, one must practice patience.  Irritating people provide us some of the best opportunities to practice patience, tolerance, and compassions.

The Buddha says: "Without an enemy you cannot practice tolerance, and without tolerance you cannot build a sound basis of compassion.  So in order to practice compassion, you should have an enemy."  THIS is why there are some many irritating people constantly clogging up my headlong pursuit of what I want.  I supposed to LEARN from them.

I don't learn anything when I'm getting what I want.

Be Nice, Redux

I was chuckling about that old advice some dude gave me in Chicago in response to my confusion about the concept of"practicing these principles in all my affairs."  He said and I quote: "Just don't be an asshole today."  I'm not even sure this ever happened.  This is one of those stories I've told for so long that it has fixed itself in my memory banks as an actual event. Honestly, if I think about it, it sounds like something I said to somebody else.  Most people have the courtesy and dignity to keep un-spiritual comments like that to themselves or to not even think about saying it.  Whatever.  The advice is trenchant and applicable if you ask me which you have not done.  "Be nice" is a polite way of rephrasing this.

I try to imagine walking into a Starbucks with Jesus or the Dalai Lama or the Buddha himself.  I'd add other historical religious figures who may or may not have existed but I'm most familiar with those three.  Would the barista be muttering "What an asshole" after taking their order?  Or would they have said something that made her smile?  Maybe remember the incident later in the day or share it with someone else?  That's what I shoot for.  That's not too esoteric a thought.  I didn't have to work on my spirituality for years to understand that this is good, nice behavior.  Sometimes I buy a drink for the person behind me in line and their reaction is always one of shocked surprise.  I wonder at the effect such a little outlay of not-going-to-be-missed-ever cash on my part creates.  It wasn't that nice but people are like: "Really?"  I was checking in for a flight once and I asked the harried gate agent how he was doing.  The dude actually stopped, looked me in the eye, and said: "Thanks for asking!"  Holy shit, he must deal with hundreds of people and no one ever asks that?  I'm getting off easy.  I've taken to politely inquiring of the person or persons in front of me at the grocery store checkout lane if they would mind paying for my groceries as well.  It always goes well.  It has never gone sideways on me.  I almost always have a lighthearted conversation with the individuals involved.  No one has ever taken me up on it . . . .

SuperK and I were in a Buddhist monastery in Kyoto, Japan, looking over some books at a table manned by a monk.  Orange robe, shaved head, big coke-bottle eyeglasses, a pleasant, relaxed look on his face, when he said: "I think you are the happiest couple in the world right now" or something to that effect.   My Bullshit Meter would have kicked in hyperdrive when I was drinking but both of us could see that he could see something in our demeanor that impressed him.  I'm not sure we felt it at the time but we had an aura that he picked up on.  See?  See how easy it is to make an impression?

I did buy a book.  So maybe he really was a grifter, the bastard.

F.I.N.E.

"Mindfulness comes from a highly developed awareness of your physical and verbal actions.  If you pay close attention to your conduct when eating, coming and going, sitting and standing, and so forth, then a strong condition of mindfulness will take hold.  True change is within - leave the outside as it is!

Usually my advice to newcomers is to be patient; have fewer expectations of yourself.  It's most important to be an honest citizen, a good member of the human community.  Whether or not you understand profound ideas, it's important to be a good person wherever you are right now."  Sayeth the Dali Lama.

To paraphrase in Seaweed Speak: Don't be an asshole today.

A new woman shared today about her daily conversations with her sponsor.  This is the sweetest woman I've met in a long time but I'm suspicious of people who are really doing well when they're first getting sober.  I'm glad she's positive and cheerful but . . . c'mon.  Nobody comes in because things are going well.  In fact, shit has to be really going sideways to even consider attending Alcoholics Anonymous.  Nobody wakes up one morning and says: "Wow, things are great.  I'm healthy, my job is going well, the family worships the ground I walk on, I've got plenty of money and no legal problems - What the hell, I think I'll go to Alcoholics Anonymous."  So if your life is a mess and you've overcome the sheer weight of fear and inertia to actually go to a meeting then you're not happy with yourself.  During their daily phone call this woman's sponsor eventually got tired of hearing "Fine.  I'm fine.  Everything's fine." and finally said that if she wasn't going to be honest then she couldn't be of any help as a sponsor . . . as an A.A. friend, even.  When we ask someone in A.A. how they're doing we really want to know.  It's hard to get past the prejudice we have of people when we find out that people who are inquiring after our well-being are only doing this as a social courtesy and not out of any real concern.  Try telling someone in the Real World that your ass is falling off.  Watch them back away with a horrified expression.

FINE: Fucked Up, Insecure, Neurotic, Evasive.

Are You Kidding Me?

Free will is not the liberty to do whatever I want.  It's my doing what needs to be done even when I'm facing headwinds.  It doesn't mean I can do anything that pleases me.  There are things I can't do whether they're restricted by laws or moral issues or safety concerns.  I didn't use to care about those restrictions.  Restrictions were for chumps, in my way of thinking, until I found out the consequences of not following rules.  I was a sloooooowwww learner.   Today free will means doing things like changing selfish behavior.

Today am I thinking about tomorrow or a week from now?  I have so many things left that I want to do in the increasingly short period of time I have left.  I'm better off looking at what I have accomplished in my life, my career, my family dynamics.  I'm usually surprised when, after telling someone who has inquired after my day. I receive a compliment, when I'm embarrassed at how little I think I've done.  

The Dali Lama again here talking about contentment, specifically addressing contentment with respect to food and clothing and housing . . . "By reducing expectations you will promote contentment which is called liking meditation and abandonment.  We should be contented in material areas, for those are bound by limitation, but not with regard to the spiritual, which can be extended limitlessly.  We should not be content with the degree we have when it comes to compassion and altruism."

I was fortunate to attend primary school and university with people who were often wealthy.  I was surprised repeatedly at how ordinary their contentment was; no greater than my neighbors in my solidly middle class neighborhood.  I listen to billionaires bitching about taxes and wonder: "What the fuck?  Are you kidding me?"  

Work?!

"The Buddhist is not asking to be given happiness.  Rather, happiness comes from putting the doctrines into practice.  Buddha teaches the actual refuge - how to practice the doctrine - but the main responsibility lies in your own implementation.  And we find many similarities in the monasticre life of all religions - simplicity, devotion through prayer and meditation, and service to others."

This is the thing about the particular brand of spirituality we find in Alcoholics Anonymous - at its heart it's just a repackaging of spirituality in a form that doesn't make the alcoholic gag and choke.

I went to a men's meeting once that wasn't published in the A.A. meeting directory because we took some liberties not accepted in polite society and not condoned as proper for a normal meeting.  One of the things that happened that always amused me that when we read the part in How It Works that says (referencing our Promises): "They will always materialize if we work for them" guys would start shouting: "Work?  Work?  Work??!!" like we didn't really dig the fact that work was involved.  The other line that tickled my fancy was a call and response to the reminder that this stuff can come true "sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly."  The room would thunder with this: "Sometimes real fuckin' slowly."

Our ideas did not work.                                                                                                                                  It didn't work.                                                                                                                                                Many of us have wasted a lot of time doing that and it doesn't work.

Embers Bouncing Off The Asphalt

 As part of my current Quiet Time agenda I've been re-dipping my toes into a Buddhist meditation book where one of the main themes is that a lot of human misery can be attributed to Things: getting Things, keeping Things, lusting after new Things, more Things, spending huge amounts of time and money to Thing Upkeep.  It can be hard to separate a normal desire for human comfort with an overreliance on Stuff.

Here in Southern California we live under the threat of fires consuming Things.  I'm not used to the threat of a fire.  In the Midwest the threat was from tornadoes and I personally lived on a street that a tornado blew through and on another street that was tornado-adjacent.  I could hear the thing and it really does sound like a freight train.  I stood in my darkened bedroom trying to make sense of the noise I was hearing.  Afterwards I realized that the sound was Things being violently chewed into tiny pieces.  The thing about a tornado is that you don't know it's coming until it comes and it's over in a flash.  A hurricane takes its time but there's plenty of advanced warning.  Earthquakes I guess would fall into the over quickly category.  Fires are a different animal - you can see and hear the threat but where it goes nobody knows - so you just have to sit and wait which can be nerve-wracking.  We had a major fire here five years ago in gale-force winds and in those conditions the fire is firmly in control.  There's no dousing it.  

This morning there was a vegetation fire a half mile away from our house with the wind blowing in our direction.  The helicopters making water dumping runs woke me up.  Outside I could see the orange glow lighting up the clouds of smoke from below and I was startled to see the occasional ember drifting overhead, hitting the asphalt, blinking out.  It's never good when you see fire trucks cruising through your neighborhood, looking for hot spots.  I was mildly anxious for a bit but - I'll tell you - those fire guys are amazing.  I had some time to idly look over my Stuff, my Things, and  wonder: "What if it's all gone in a minute?  What would I grab?  What would my life look like if all of this was gone?"  It was sobering but it also felt weirdly refreshing, liberating, almost.  What if I had to start from scratch?  What would I replace?  What historical treasures and mementoes and geegaws and gimcracks and tchotchkes would I mourn?  What I feel an acute sense of loss or would it be more of a relief to have all that Stuff liberated from my control?  It makes me reflect on the stripped-down life I lead when I travel - all of my Stuff in one small suitcase.  I'm okay.  I don't die.

It's easy to pat myself on the back after the danger has passed and I'm sitting securely in the midst of my Stuff.  Nonetheless, I'm happy that all of the time I've spent meditating on the transitory nature of things has left me somewhat - mostly? - liberated.  It would be a gut-punch but I'd make it out alive.

Not In The Club

 Man, man, man, am I really responsible for my own problems?  That hardly seems fair.

The Great Fact is this: alcohol and drugs really, really, really fixed my problems . . . until they didn't.  When they got inside my brain I felt a switch snap and I felt okay, right with the world.  It wasn't relaxing or fun, it was need.

A famous comedian died recently who had fought addiction for most of his life.  These lines from his memoir really resonated with me:

"I want to tell you something about addiction: No matter who it is or what substance that person is hooked on, loneliness is at its root.  For whatever reason — and I have no theory as to why — there are those of us who feel isolated in this world, as if everyone else had some secret formula for getting along, for fitting in, and no one ever let us in on it.  That loneliness resides deep inside us, at our core, and no matter how many people try to help us, no matter how many friends reach out, support us, show up for us, it never entirely goes away.  It’s vast and shadowy and also part of who we are.  omething happens when we discover a drug or alcohol: Suddenly we have a companion holding our hand, propping us up, making us feel we fit in, we can be part of the club.  It’s there for us in the empty hours when it seems no one else is."

This is from Step Five in the 12 & 12: "Even before our drinking got bad and people began to cut us off, nearly all of us suffered from the feeling that we didn't quite belong."  I like the use of the word "quite," which means "to the utmost or most absolute extent or degree; absolutely; completely."  No slop in that definition, dude.

Step Five again: "When we reached A.A. and for the first time in our lives stood among people who seemed to understand, the sense of belonging was tremendously exciting."  Most of us know that feeling of finally having landed someplace where people got us.