OK - Who Here Despises Me?

 "I never make the mistake of arguing with people for whose opinions I have no respect."  Edward Gibbon

No matter how convincing I am or how much I argue there are some people whose opinion I will never be able to change.  Fair enough.  But the question is this: Why do I give a shit?  Usually the people I argue with - sometimes in person but most of the time in my own head, by myself, talking away, gesticulating wildly - are people who I don't like or don't care that much about.  Why I spend time doing this is a mystery even to me.

Do I respect these people?  Would a change in their opinion benefit me?  Are they generally interested in my best welfare?  Sometimes I struggle to change the opinion of those who have never supported me, rather than talking with those who have always been there for me.  To distinguish between the two is the difference between disapproval and tension, and love and acceptance.

One of my favorite Seinfeld episodes revolves around George questioning Jerry about his girlfriend,  who loathes George. 

"So she doesn't like me?"

"No."

"She said that?"

"Yes."

"She told you she doesn't like me?"

"Yes."

"What were her exact words?"

"I.  Don't. Like. Him!"

"Jerry, she hates me so much I find her irresistible."

Why do we do this to ourselves?  It's hilarious.  I have struggled with this over the years.  I am drawn like a moth to a blowtorch to people I don't like very much . . . and that's a HUGE fucking  list, I gotta tell ya'.  I'm fascinated by the amount of contempt I can hork up.  I'm exaggerating a bit here but I really spend more time in my head arguing with people who aren't a big part of my life than I do actually talking to those who love me.  

Happily, in the last year or so I've experienced a great release from this type of thinking.  I want to point out that I'm sober nearly 36 years and I've just now gotten to a place where I feel this freedom.  Part of my challenge is that I try to stay in touch with a lot of people - too many people, really - and then I get frustrated when the effort isn't reciprocated in kind.  This is hardly fair - people are busy and people don't have the interest or the time to participate in what is my obsession.  

Let 'em go, let 'em go, let 'em go.