How Did I Behave, Really?

It's helpful for me to keep in mind that I'm constantly and unconsciously rewiring my memories.  One of the reasons I like to write is that it makes me keep an accurate record of what I've said and done, avoiding the neat trick of remembering an event in a favorable light.  I've got this idea, this notion, of myself and my mind doesn't like to square that up with some shitty thing that I did in the past so . . . voila! . . .  I didn't do it!  Contained in all of my memories are not just the events of the past, but also the meaning they have for me.

Here's the good doctor again . . .  "If we wish, as most of us do, to be treated with kindness and forbearance, we need to cultivate those qualities in ourselves."  In A.A. speak this is "If you want to be have self-esteem then do esteemable things.

It's also helpful for me to always keep in mind my tendency to excuse bad behavior with some kind of historical or medical reason.  I do this because my mommy didn't love me enough or because I suffer from this or that psychological disorder.  While I can't discount these realities after a while it's alright, already - all of us have had to clamber over some deficiency or maltreatment but the statute of limitations has run out on blaming other people, places, and things for my behavior.  If I believe that I'm permanently hamstrung by my circumstances then I damage irrevocably the self-respect that comes with the sense of being a free person on earth, able to struggle and overcome adversity.