More Fucking Honesty

Honesty:  Uprightness of character and action; it implies a refusal to lie, steal, or deceive in any way. 

Another word I've looked up over and over . . . And over and over I'm reminded that one is not being honest when someone else believes something that isn't true.  I don't get a pass for applying mental gymnastics to bend my words so that the person believes a falsehood even though - technically - no lying words have passed my lips.  There are no get out of jail free cards here.  I'm telling the truth or I'm not.

I've chosen to travel on the path of recovery.  Because of this, there are certain requirements necessary for my growth and learning.  One of them is honesty with myself and with others.  If I'm not honest with others, I'll suffer because the truth will come out.  If I'm not honest with myself it's going to hinder my ability to grow closer to others.  Honesty with others builds trust, trust builds love, and love makes life so much better.

I was moved to look up the definition again as the result of a situation at my Home Group.  As I've mentioned ad infinitum we have an on-going struggle with some homeless, mentally-ill people coming for the free coffee and staying for the free coffee while taking a break from the coffee to splash around in the bathroom before going for more coffee and touching all of the cookies in the cookie bin.  I'm from the East and the Midwest where the techniques for dealing with these people are a lot more linear and a lot less accommodating; moreover, personally I find their presence very distracting.  I have trouble paying attention to the readings when some dude has just had a loud shouting match with an imaginary rival who he thinks is sitting in the corner.  On two subsequent days I drove to the meeting in a great mood but was so annoyed by these antics that I got up and left shortly after the meeting began.  This behavior was noticeable.  The second time I slipped out I mimed to one man that I had a dentist appointment and I whispered to a second the same thing.  In my defence it wasn't appropriate for me to stop and give a detailed explanation as to why I was leaving but I still didn't tell the truth.  I wasn't trying to harm anyone and I was trying to be respectful to the flow of the meeting but . . . 

I need to make an amends to these two men.  I'm not worried about this.  They'll both take this as a minor incident and profess support.  For me, I have to hew to the reminder found on the flip side of our A.A. coins: To Thine Own Self Be True.  If I'm uncomfortable with how I'm behaving I don't have to clear this behavior with anyone else.  It's not for me.