Sacrifice

 OK, my last Traditions post for a while.  I promise.  (Ed. Note:  I might also be lying.)

Sacrifice:  To surrender or give up, or permit injury or disadvantage to, for the sake of something else.

"Gradually, we saw that the unity, the effectiveness - yes, even the survival - of A.A. would always depend upon our continued willingness to sacrifice our personal ambitions and desires for he common safety and welfare.  Just as sacrifice meant survival for the individual, so did sacrifice mean unity and survival for the group and for A.A.'s entire Fellowship.  Viewed in this light, A.A.'s Twelve Traditions are little else than a list of sacrifices which the experience of twenty years has taught us that we m just, make, individually and collectively, if A.A. itself is to stay alive and healthy."

I've always found it amazing that it took these early guys twenty years to distill these Traditions down.  There must have been some hellish, animated discussions over this stuff.  It takes my home group an hour to change the wording in our anodyne meeting format so I can only imagine the spirited discussions that must have occured when the Founders were trying to come up with rules that applied to whole organization. 

Then Bill W sums up his reasoning in as good a condensation of the Traditions as I've ever read:

"We have denied ourselves personal government, professionalism and the right to say who our members shall be. We have abandoned do-goodism, reform and paternalism.  We refuse charitable money and prefer to pay our own way.  We will cooperate with practically everybody, yet we decline to marry our Society to anyone.  We abstain from public controvery and will not quarrel among ourselves about those things that so rip society asunder - religion, politics, and reform.  We have but one purpose: to carry the A.A. message to the sick alcoholic who wants it.  We take these attitudes not at all because we claim special virtue or wisdom; we do these things because hard experience has told us that we must."

I've always appreciated the idea that the individual makes the choice to adhere to spiritual principles to save his or her own life.  Things have gotten that bad for most of us.  We're out of options.  We're not making these choices because we think that things may have gotten out of hand - they've clearly gotten WAY out of hand.   Then we argue and fight and bicker for twenty years before codifying these principles at the group level; we don't do it because we're smart or wise but because we see that the Fellowship is going to fly apart at the seams if we don't.

Alcoholics Anonymous - the largest organization in the world than no one wants to join.

Other People

 More from Bill W on honesty . . . .

It's funny to me that the A.A. pamphlet entitled "A.A. Tradition - How It Developed by Bill W" is dominated by his writings and speeches on the spiritual principle of anonymity.  A distant second is the warning that money and organization will surely doom us but it's anonymity first, last, and almost everything in between.

"Anonymity is the greatest protection our Society can ever have.  It says that 'The spiritual substance of anonymity is sacrifice.'  The new signs to serenity read: 'This way to sanity and serenity - the price is self-sacrifice.' We couldn't get rid of alcohol unless we made other sacrifices.  Big shotism and phony thinking had to go.  We had to toss self-justification, self-pity, and anger right out the window.  We had to quit the crazy contest for personal prestige and big bank balances.  We had to take personal responsibility for our sorry state and quit blaming others for it.

We're these sacrifices?  Yes, they were.  To gain enough humility and self-respect to stay alive at all we had to give up what had really been our dearest possession - our ambitions and our illegitimate pride.  But even this was not enough.  Sacrifice had to go much further.  Other people had to benefit, too."

Okay, are you as sick of this crap as I am?  I take umbrage at the suggestion about personal sacrifice to "stay alive" - hardly worth it - and then I had to start doing nice things in the world at large.  I hate anything that starts with "other people."  As you may remember one of my founding life philosophies is that I don't care about other people.  Other people can go somewhere else.  Other people invariably annoy me.

Have a nice day elsewhere. 

Will You Still Love Me? When I'm 64?

 One of my life themes is this: Once I hit 65 I decided I could do whatever the fuck wanted.  SuperK points out that this has pretty much been my modus operandi for my entire life but then again she does a great job at pointing out my defects, foibles, and deficiencies, of which there are legion.  Another one of my themes in life has been complaining about the aging process.  This has always annoyed SuperK.  I blame my mama who was worried about The Nursing Home her whole life.  I never heard my grandparents complain about their health ever.

I think what I fear subconsciously is my own demise.  Indications of my own mortality are unwanted reminder of my own mortality.  On the one hand I'd like to live forever.  On the other hand I would not have made it to the ripe old age of 66 if I had continued drugging and drinking at the pace that I had set in my teens.  The old cosmic joke:  Fate or God or whoever is running the universe appears to have said: "I will give you dominion over all other forms of life.  BUT you will be the only species able to contemplate your death."  And the new cosmic joke is that man's life span has been steadily increasing but the additional years are tacked on at the end.  

Sometimes it seems that most older people are preoccupied with self-centered complaints.  Part of this is the normal pissed reaction that you'd expect from people who are feeling the aches and pains of aging more and more and part is an irritated reaction to feeling more and more invisible - we're ignored in stores by salespeople and don't see a lot of favorable reflections of themselves in popular culture.  There aren't a lot of TV shows or movies that feature wrinkling, sagging, farting, slow-moving dudes and dudettes.  The Elders of the village used to be the trusted sources of wisdom and experience - now we're not always treated as if we have anything useful to say.  Thank God for The Program - at least there the other members sort of have to pay attention to us old folks or at least pretend to.

I am of the opinion that the old have a duty to suffer the slings and arrows of aging with as much grace and determination as we can muster and avoid inflicting our discomforts on those who love us.  With a dignity that eschews self-pity.  I like being in A.A. with people my age.  We laugh about falling apart slowly but we're laughing and we're still moving.  This good humor and interest in others that we try to maintain even as the curtain closes is our attempt to fulfill our obligations to those that survive us.  I'm grateful for the gift of life that I have, undeservedly so, been given and have enjoyed for so long.

Anonymity

 Anonymity:  (You know what?  These definitions suck.  They accurately portray the concept that no name is known or given alright but don't give much weight to the idea that anonymity encourages humility so - fuck it - I'm not going to write anything down.)

More deep thinking on anonymity . . . 

In Bill W's seminal article on our spiritual principle he lists four reasons for our deep respect for anonymity:

1.  "It encourages alcoholics and the families of alcoholics to approach us for help."  While the concept of addiction and alcoholism is more widely accepted today than fifty years ago there is still a lot of stigma attached to it in some quarters where it's seen as a moral feeling or personal weakness.

So we're protecting the individual alcoholic.

2.  "It prevents our founders or leaders, so-called, from becoming household names who might at any time get drunk and give A.A. a black eye."

So we're protecting the Fellowship as a whole.

3.  "Almost every newspaper reporter is impressed when he realizes that here is a group of people who care nothing for personal gain."

So we're making sure that people who report on what's going on in the world have a good opinion of what we're trying to do.

4.  "John Q. Public is even more interested in our way of life.  Weary of pressure selling, spectacular promotion, and shouting public characters he is refreshed by our quietness, modesty, and anonymity.  It may be that he feels a great spiritual power is being generated on this account - that something new has come into his life."

So here is that spiritual principle in the flesh.  We are not calling attention to ourselves and many people find this enchanting.

More Fucking Honesty

Honesty:  Uprightness of character and action; it implies a refusal to lie, steal, or deceive in any way. 

Another word I've looked up over and over . . . And over and over I'm reminded that one is not being honest when someone else believes something that isn't true.  I don't get a pass for applying mental gymnastics to bend my words so that the person believes a falsehood even though - technically - no lying words have passed my lips.  There are no get out of jail free cards here.  I'm telling the truth or I'm not.

I've chosen to travel on the path of recovery.  Because of this, there are certain requirements necessary for my growth and learning.  One of them is honesty with myself and with others.  If I'm not honest with others, I'll suffer because the truth will come out.  If I'm not honest with myself it's going to hinder my ability to grow closer to others.  Honesty with others builds trust, trust builds love, and love makes life so much better.

I was moved to look up the definition again as the result of a situation at my Home Group.  As I've mentioned ad infinitum we have an on-going struggle with some homeless, mentally-ill people coming for the free coffee and staying for the free coffee while taking a break from the coffee to splash around in the bathroom before going for more coffee and touching all of the cookies in the cookie bin.  I'm from the East and the Midwest where the techniques for dealing with these people are a lot more linear and a lot less accommodating; moreover, personally I find their presence very distracting.  I have trouble paying attention to the readings when some dude has just had a loud shouting match with an imaginary rival who he thinks is sitting in the corner.  On two subsequent days I drove to the meeting in a great mood but was so annoyed by these antics that I got up and left shortly after the meeting began.  This behavior was noticeable.  The second time I slipped out I mimed to one man that I had a dentist appointment and I whispered to a second the same thing.  In my defence it wasn't appropriate for me to stop and give a detailed explanation as to why I was leaving but I still didn't tell the truth.  I wasn't trying to harm anyone and I was trying to be respectful to the flow of the meeting but . . . 

I need to make an amends to these two men.  I'm not worried about this.  They'll both take this as a minor incident and profess support.  For me, I have to hew to the reminder found on the flip side of our A.A. coins: To Thine Own Self Be True.  If I'm uncomfortable with how I'm behaving I don't have to clear this behavior with anyone else.  It's not for me.

OK - Who Here Despises Me?

 "I never make the mistake of arguing with people for whose opinions I have no respect."  Edward Gibbon

No matter how convincing I am or how much I argue there are some people whose opinion I will never be able to change.  Fair enough.  But the question is this: Why do I give a shit?  Usually the people I argue with - sometimes in person but most of the time in my own head, by myself, talking away, gesticulating wildly - are people who I don't like or don't care that much about.  Why I spend time doing this is a mystery even to me.

Do I respect these people?  Would a change in their opinion benefit me?  Are they generally interested in my best welfare?  Sometimes I struggle to change the opinion of those who have never supported me, rather than talking with those who have always been there for me.  To distinguish between the two is the difference between disapproval and tension, and love and acceptance.

One of my favorite Seinfeld episodes revolves around George questioning Jerry about his girlfriend,  who loathes George. 

"So she doesn't like me?"

"No."

"She said that?"

"Yes."

"She told you she doesn't like me?"

"Yes."

"What were her exact words?"

"I.  Don't. Like. Him!"

"Jerry, she hates me so much I find her irresistible."

Why do we do this to ourselves?  It's hilarious.  I have struggled with this over the years.  I am drawn like a moth to a blowtorch to people I don't like very much . . . and that's a HUGE fucking  list, I gotta tell ya'.  I'm fascinated by the amount of contempt I can hork up.  I'm exaggerating a bit here but I really spend more time in my head arguing with people who aren't a big part of my life than I do actually talking to those who love me.  

Happily, in the last year or so I've experienced a great release from this type of thinking.  I want to point out that I'm sober nearly 36 years and I've just now gotten to a place where I feel this freedom.  Part of my challenge is that I try to stay in touch with a lot of people - too many people, really - and then I get frustrated when the effort isn't reciprocated in kind.  This is hardly fair - people are busy and people don't have the interest or the time to participate in what is my obsession.  

Let 'em go, let 'em go, let 'em go. 

Principles and Personalities

Principle:  A fundamental assumption or guiding belief; moral rule or aspect.

Personality:  Charisma, or qualities that make a person stand out from a crowd. 

Bill W has this to say about anonymity in an article he wrote in 1946:  "Subtly but powerfully it reminds us that we are always to place principles before personalities; that we have renounced personal glorification in public; that our movement not only preaches but actually practices a true humility."  The definitions are interesting, no?  I'm not to strive to stand out, to be special, but rather to hew to a set of moral beliefs.  It makes the phrase "principles before personalities" really sing, really resonate.  I've typed in the definition of humility so many times I can't do it again but the jist is not that we think we're not worth anything at all but rather that we don't think our worth exceeds that of others.  Not a piece of shit and not God's gift to mankind; just a sheep, just a wildebeest in the middle of everything.

In the first forward of the book Alcoholics Anonymous the principle of anonymity is mentioned only three times: "Being mostly business or professional folk some of us could not carry on our occupations if known"; "when writing or speaking publicly about alcoholism, we urge each of our Fellowship to omit his personal name, designating himself instead as a member of A.A."; and "very earnestly we ask the press also to observe this request for otherwise we shall be greatly handicapped."

I laugh at my long-held belief that anonymity is about protecting myself.  I think that this is important as you see in Bill's writing; I was very careful about protecting my personal anonymity when I was working because even today a lot of people see addiction as a moral failing or a lack of self-control.  When I see an A.A. member in public with someone I don't know I try to catch their eye before approaching them to see if I can pick up a subtle cue as to the wisdom of trying to explain how we know each other in front of someone who may be unaware of the A.A. membership.  But I have to remember that the real guiding spiritual principle behind anonymity is that I need to quit thinking of myself as so transcendently special.  It just ain't so.

Die? Or recover? Hmmm.

Continuing in this general Traditions vein here are some of Bill W's thoughts from 1947 about the fact that there is no central authority in Alcoholics Anonymous (and let's remember that in our early years we were all over the place with rules and regulations and processes and procedures - it was the wild west of A.A.):

"It is not strange that the only real authority to be found in A.A. is that of spiritual principle.  It is never personal authority.  Still, it is a fact that most of us do follow, in our personal lives, the Twelve Suggested Steps to recovery.  We prefer recovery to death.  Then, little by little, we perceive the spiritual basis of life is the best.  We conform because we want to."

First of all, isn't it great that alcoholics make the decision between dying and recovering some kind of close horse race?  That is SO great.  I can't emphasize enough how important the idea that punishment in my personal life comes from a lack of spirituality and not from a central authority.  Can you imagine this set-up in your work life?  You fuck off at work and your boss lets you be, believing that you'll come around when you see the wisdom of the system the company has set up.  And trust me, I have a lot of personal experience in this technique and it is not a workable technique if you want to stay employed.

Some more stuff about what inevitably befalls anyone who tries to take charge (including - especially - Bill W. himself) . . . 

"Some A.A. groups elect their leaders.  but even with such a mandate each leader soon discovers that while he can always guide by example or persuasion he can never boss, else at election time he may find himself passed by.  After struggling for a few years to run the A.A. movement I had to give it up  - it simply didn't work.  Heavy-handed assertion of my personal  authority always created confusion and resistance.  If I took sides in a controversy, I was joyfully quoted by some, while others murmured, "And just who does this dictator think he is?"  If I sharply  criticized, I usually got double criticism on the return bounce.  Personal power always failed.

"

Defiant Brats!

 I love this paragraph from Tradition Nine where we're reminded that Alcoholics Anonymous ought never be organized:

"We recognize that alcoholics can't be dictated to - individually or collectively.  At this juncture, we can hear a churchman exclaim, "They are making disobedience a virtue!" (Church people like people to get in line and follow rules - their rules - and alcoholics are committed to not being dictated to.)  He is joined by a psychiatrist who says, "Defiant brats!  They won't grow up and conform to social usage!"  (This line always gets a laugh in a meeting - we're pretty sure we're still defiant brats . . . and proud of it.)  The man in the street says, "I don't understand it.  They must be nuts"!  (Another laugh from the bratty, nutty crowd.)  But all these observers have overlooked something unique in Alcoholics Anonymous.  Unless each A.A. member follows to the best of his ability our suggested Twelve Steps to recovery, he almost certainly signs his own death warrant.  His drunkenness and dissolution are not penalties inflicted by people in authority; they result from his personal disobedience to spiritual principles."

I love this belief that our punishment comes not from alcohol but from our lack of a spiritual essence.  I am/was always looking for someone to blame for the shitty outcomes that sometimes/all the time were tormenting me.  No one in A.A. can punish me or has the authority to punish me - I'm being disciplined by my adherence to carnal desires.  When I was a drunken asshole it wasn't because I wasn't following any prescribed A.A. rules.  No, sir, I was suffering because I wasn't following any good, true, kind instincts that were in me.

The A.A. Traditions

 "Alcoholics Anonymous is a worldwide fellowship of people who help each other to maintain sobriety and who offer to share their recovery experience freely with others who may have a drinking problem.  The A.A. program consists basically of Twleve Steps designed for personal recovery from alcoholism.

The Fellowship functions through over 114,000 groups, and there is A.A. activity in more than 180 countries.  Hundreds of thousands of alcoholics have achieved sobriety in A.A. but members recognize that their program is not always effective with all alcoholics and that some may require professional counseling or treatment.

A.A. is concerned solely with the personal recovery and continued sobriety of individual alcoholics who turn to the Fellowship for help.  The movement does not engage in the field of alcoholism research, or medical or psychiatric treatment, and does not endorse any causes - although A.A. members often participate in other activities as individuals.

The movement has adopted a policy of 'cooperation but nonafiliation' with other organizations concerned with the problem of alcoholism.

Alcoholics Anonymous is self-supporting through its own groups and members and declines contributions from outside sources.  A.A. members preserve personal anonymity at the level of press, films, and broadcast media."

The above text is from an A.A. pamphlet called "A.A. Tradition - How It Developed.  The writings are from the late '40s/early '50s and are a reminder of how much trouble we had when we were getting started with anonymity, money, and our position in the greater community.  We fucked up a lot.  It was the wild west where just about anything was given a shot.  I really like how the statement does a good job of pithily stating what we're about.  Like many drunks I staggered in The Rooms looking for the flaws that would allow me to stagger right back out: what did it cost, who was in charge, what we're the rules and regulations . . .  Couldn't find 'em and that's why I'm still here.

Change

It's human to shift blame to someone or something else for my failures, and boy, do our parents come in for their share.  Most of us have perfectly fine parents - not perfect, not terrible, flawed people doing their best to raise children without a blueprint.  Compounding their troubles was the fact that I was a handful to deal with when I was growing up.

I was talking to a new guy the other day and trying to explain that the ride is good but it isn't fast.  The slowness with which productive change actually takes place doesn't play well in our impatient society.  We've become used to the idea that much of what we don't like about ourselves and our lives can be quickly overcome with little effort on our part.  The fact of the matter is that a real alteration of our behaviors and attitudes is a slow process.  Change is incremental.  What makes this all even more daunting is that most of the time we get confused as to what is a real expression of intent to change or simply a wish to change.  People mistake thoughts, wishes, and intentions for actual change.  Words in the air, drifting in the breeze, lots of bullshit, much of it sincerely spoken with little awareness of how unlikely any change will be.  I'm struck so often when I'm talking to a new person with that this human being actually believes the crap that he's saying.  It's hard not to tell them to just shut up and quit wasting my time.  The sincerity oozes out of them - it's really quite impressive being in the presence of such self-deception.

Generally speaking I don't take someone's expression of intent at face value but prefer to focus on the only communication that I trust: behavior.

Or as we say in Alcoholics Anonymous: Time takes time.  The good news is that there's a solution - the bad news is that it takes a while.

We Know What You're Talking About

Sympathy:  A feeling of pity or sorrow for the distress or suffering of another.                                      Empathy:  Identification with or understanding the thoughts, feelings, or emotional state of another.    

It's my determination to overcome fear and discouragement that constitutes the only effective antidote to my sense of powerlessness over unwanted feelings.  I understand that there are some people out there who are obviously more genetically predisposed to suffer these discomforts than others - the dude who is having a loud argument with someone he sees in an empty corner of a meeting room isn't having a Not Working The Steps problem.  But for most of us while medication and therapy can provide crucial relief, we also have an obligation to alter our behavior in ways that allow us to exert greater control over our lives.

I try to profess empathy and solidarity with those among us who are suffering.  I try not to only express sympathy, finding this to be a mildly condescending concept.  I don't just feel sorry for someone, aware that this emotion makes many people feel less-than, but I do feel for their pain because many of us have suffered the exact same way.  So it does no one any good to endorse a passive dependency.  If you're looking for a helping hand sometimes the best place to find it is at the end of your own arm.  Most alcoholics want to be judged for their intentions and not for their actions, which usually suck.  Self-esteem is built up slowly by behaving well.  I know that my work life really began to improve when I . . . you know . . . showed up at work and worked while I was there and didn't try to tell my boss what to do and got my nose up outta other people's business.  I worked, so to speak, at my job and not at anyone else's.

Empathy is shown in how much understanding and compassion we can give to another.  Sympathy is more of a feeling of pity.  Nobody likes to be pitied.  It strips us of our self-respect.  This is why most of us experience that feeling when we come into A.A. that we're among people who really understand where we're coming from and what we've been through.  Pastors, shrinks, social workers, teachers, nobody gets me like another drunk.

Controlling the Paradox

Control:  The power to direct or influence people's behavior or the course of events.

One of the strongest influences in my life - sometimes for good, often a torment - is a powerful need for control, a pretty typical burr on the ass of the obsessive personality.  When I lose control, when I can't keep a tight grip on the outcome of everything, anxiety creeps in.  And, of course, the anxiety over my loss of control makes me redouble my efforts on controlling everything and the anxiety worsens.  A self-defeating loop of misery.

Paradox:  The seemingly absurd or self-contradictory statement that when investigated or explained may prove to be well-founded or true.

Everything in life is a good news/bad news story is a founding paradox of my existence.  Impermanence mocks me.  Death is coming for me eventually.  And only be embracing my mortality can I be happy in whatever time I have left.  It is becoming increasingly weird to think that this is the last mattress or car or pair of hiking boots I'll ever buy.

"We're all gonna die!"  Lenny Bruce

In the good news/bad news category I've renewed my habitual struggle with, against, and for my morning meeting.  I know I'm doing it.  Mostly I'm laughing at myself when I can get off my self-righteous high horse . . . which I hate to do because it's a pretty good horse.  I'm grateful I have this built-in, hard-wired recognition that if I want to change any deeply ingrained and maladaptive behavior that I have to look inside and see if I can find a pattern.  Most people resist doing this.  Most people (I'm looking at you, Seaweed) prefer to invoke confidence for the situation or simply focus on individual situations that place the blame on other people, places, and things.

Very Freudian, don't you think?  The unconscious mind, operating below the level of my awareness, influencing how I behave and think.  It sure takes a lot of personal responsibility off me when I can blame my troubles on The Other.

Perfect Seaweed

 We all know people who are perfectionists.  They tend to be demanding of themselves and those around them and to manifest an obsessive orderliness that is, in the the end, alienating.  They don't trust feelings and prefer to occupy their time with things they can count and measure.  I think a lot of this is a symptom of needing to control everything.  When I think of my perfectionism (and it's rare that I meet an alcoholic who isn't a perfectionist to some degree) I often consider it a defect, something that is a brake on my spiritual development.  And when it's combined with my tendency to Type A your ass into next week it can be a hindrance.  You know the drill - sit down and meditate perfectly and efficiently for 100 breaths; never mind that such a mindset is the exact opposite of what's supposed to be going on in a meditation session.

So, in my defense, I'd say that we obsessive people make the world function for the rest of us.  Think about it.  Would you want your dermatologist to say: "Eh, I think I got most of your skin cancer" or the mechanics to test the landing gear ten times, clock out and head home, feeling pretty good about the fact that the wheels came down nine of the ten?  Hey, it's 90%, right?  What, I gotta be perfect?"  Uh, yeah, you gotta be perfect.

I mean . . . you should see my desk.  That baby is spit-clean, polished and organized.  I could close my eyes and tell you what's on top and in the drawers and not miss a thing.  I wouldn't call that abnormal but it's not . .  . it's not .  . .  great.  Sigh.

I was always amazed at how many more hours people in my profession worked to make less money than I did.  Sometimes it was a lot more hours and a lot less money.  When I had an opportunity I made the most of it.  I didn't fuck it up very much.  I had a system that was very effective and I stuck to it.  I think the other guys were happy to hit .500 and make twice as many sales calls as I did.  Me?  I worked three days a week and took most of the summer off.  I was a home run hitter.  This was what made sense to me.  I wasn't particularly relaxed or casual when I was working but I went down the list and checked off the action items and made a sale and then took Friday off.

There are certain personality characteristics that are highly correlated with academic and professional success: dedication to work, ability to manage time, attention to detail, conscientiousness.  People like this are excellent students and productive workers.  They can also be difficult to live with.  I have a tendency to alienate people who value closeness and relaxation because I'm so dedicated to keeping on target with my list and being perfect about it.  I'd rather be "productive" than to sit and shoot the shit.

How Did I Behave, Really?

It's helpful for me to keep in mind that I'm constantly and unconsciously rewiring my memories.  One of the reasons I like to write is that it makes me keep an accurate record of what I've said and done, avoiding the neat trick of remembering an event in a favorable light.  I've got this idea, this notion, of myself and my mind doesn't like to square that up with some shitty thing that I did in the past so . . . voila! . . .  I didn't do it!  Contained in all of my memories are not just the events of the past, but also the meaning they have for me.

Here's the good doctor again . . .  "If we wish, as most of us do, to be treated with kindness and forbearance, we need to cultivate those qualities in ourselves."  In A.A. speak this is "If you want to be have self-esteem then do esteemable things.

It's also helpful for me to always keep in mind my tendency to excuse bad behavior with some kind of historical or medical reason.  I do this because my mommy didn't love me enough or because I suffer from this or that psychological disorder.  While I can't discount these realities after a while it's alright, already - all of us have had to clamber over some deficiency or maltreatment but the statute of limitations has run out on blaming other people, places, and things for my behavior.  If I believe that I'm permanently hamstrung by my circumstances then I damage irrevocably the self-respect that comes with the sense of being a free person on earth, able to struggle and overcome adversity. 

I Am Responsible

 I don't give much direct advice in A.A. because most of the time I don't have a clear idea of what people need to do to make themselves better and, even if I did, they wouldn't listen, anyway.  The idea that we have to sit and talk about the problems we face, taking the time to do this and being patient that it isn't a quick process, implies a slow and unwieldy process that has this assumption at our core: We are responsible for most of what happens to us.

Boy, talk about one of my core beliefs . . .   A friend quips that the first thing we should do to a newcomer is break both of their index fingers; the implication being that it's time to stop pointing fingers at other people, places, and things.