$278

"There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept from fear and apprehension  One of these days is yesterday, with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains.  Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control.  All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday.  We cannot undo a single act we performed.  We cannot erase a single word we said.  Yesterday is gone beyond recall."

"Another day we should not worry about is tomorrow, with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise, and perhaps its poor performance.  Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.  Tomorrow's sun will rise.  Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow."

"This leaves only one day - today.  Anyone can fight the battles of just one day.  It is only when you and I add the burden of those two awful eternities, yesterday and tomorrow, that we break down.  It is not the experience of today that drives us mad.  It is the remorse or bitterness for something which happened yesterday or the dread of what tomorrow may bring."

Copying great thoughts written someone else is awfully lazy for someone trying to share his own original thoughts . . . but sometimes the stuff I read is difficult to top.  I'm doodling around with an old pen, not trying to paint The Mona Lisa.  I have a daily meditation book that I read daily - not officially A.A. approved but an old Hazelden book that had heavy input from a lot of our founders.  The above quotes came on three successive days where we're reminded that yesterday is gone and tomorrow is not yet here so stay the hell out of those two days.   We get no help whatsoever dealing with those two days from our Higher Power.  He's strictly a today guy.  

I've said many times and I'll repeat it again that if I had to boil my Program down into one phrase it would be One Day At A Time.

I had a dental appointment to deal with some pain in one of my teeth.  The dentist was stumped so he sent me to a specialist.  An endodontist.  I thought the dentist was the fucking tooth specialist.  Apparently there are also periodontists and orthodontists, all of which sound like made-up names to me.  I mean . . . c'mon - you got 32 teeth and some gums.  You need four different specialists to handle this?  That's 8 teeth per specialist.  A four year college degree and four years of dentistry school and you can only handle 8 teeth?  What a racket.

There's a point in here somewhere . . .   Oh, yeah, I was not calm in my mind in the 24 hours leading up to the appointment.  I wasn't frantic but I wanted a good outcome.  I am calm in my mind about the past.  I made mistakes which I have apologized for and I have altered my behavior to the best of my ability so that I don't repeat these mistakes and that is that.  The future is definitely trickier.  I want what I want when I want it.  I have expressed no interest in learning through adversity.  I was not interested in having any teeth pain and was even less interested in having the source of the pain stump my dentist.

$278 to the endodontist.  Fifteen minutes.

Justified Anger

 Justified:  A reason, explanation, or excuse (Ed. Note:  I love that "excuse" shows up here) which provides convincing, morally acceptable support for behavior or for a belief or occurrence.  

"It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.  If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also.  But are there no exceptions to this rule?"

You're goddamn right there are exceptions to the rule.  And furthermore . . . are you suggesting that there are other kinds of anger besides justified anger?

Look To Homer!

 There's a great episode of The Simpson's where the family travels to Australia.  One of the cool things about making an animated series is that the world is your palette - you aren't restricted by space or time.  The highlight of the episode - at least the highlight that I'm going to highlight - revolves around the Coriolis Effect.

(Ed. Note: This particular effect has to do with the fact that water swirls clockwise above the equator and just the opposite south of the equator.  This is really an effect.  It is most pronounced, however, in large flows of water, and not in your average toilet bowl.  Most people are interested in this effect vis-a-vis flushing a toilet.  I know - I've been south of the equator and it was one of the first things I did.  Apparently, the fact that the water didn't swirl counter-clockwise was so offensive to me that I didn't recall that it didn't do what I wanted it to.  The direction of the water swirl is dependent on the location of the water jets in the toilet mechanism and not on the location of the toilet itself; namely, north or south of the equator.  So if you're thinking of traveling to Antarctica or Uruguay so you can test your personal toilet water swirling theories you're shit out of luck.  Save your money.)

Anyway, in this particular Simpson's episode the family is staying in the U.S. embassy.  Homer goes into the bathroom to test out the swirl theory.  He flushes.  On top of the toilet is a huge piece of machinery - engines and pumps and lots of piping - which clatters into action.  Initially the water swirls counter-clockwise - we're south of the equator, remember? - and then the machinery, which is shaking the whole building as it operates violently, causes the water to reverse direction and swirl in the clockwise manner than Homer expects.

He bursts into tears, salutes, and begins changing: "USA! USA!"

I've always thought that this is sort of how my recovering brain works.  My initial reaction to many things is negative and combative and contrary.  Then, through practice, long practice, a huge piece of machinery engages and my brain swirls back around and reacts differently than I would think.  It's not natural for me to be positive and understanding - I'm ready to go to war over most things - but my experience is that, through practice, you can change how you think.  You can overcome, to some degree, the inclinations that have been installed through nature and nurture.

Look to Homer for the answers! 

Free and Clear

"One of the finest things about A.A. is the diversity of its membership.  We come from all walks and stations of life.  All types and classes of people are represented in an A.A. group.  Being different from each other in certain ways, we can make a different contribution to the whole.  Some of us are weak in one respect, but strong in another.  A.A. can use the strong points of all its members and can disregard their weaknesses.  A.A. is strong, not only because we all have the same problem, but also because of the diversified talents of its members.  Each can contribute his part."

"I pray that I may not allow those about me to spoil my peace of mind.  I pray that I may keep a deep inner calm throughout the day."

One of my touchstones is to remember that I grow when I hear different opinions.  I get stuck when I only surround myself with people who think the way I do.  This is indeed one of the great strengths of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I enjoy an almost complete peace of mind as I ponder the workings of the world.  I'm free and clear of all my old debts and obligations.  It's as if an onerous car note has been discharged.  Then . . . the Promises come true.  They're a robust group, those Promises.  Worth striving for.  I have to remember that they appear in the literature as we're making our way through our Ninth Step amends.  So much of The Program rests on me looking at me. 

 You must be left alone.  You're fine.

Meme

 "Every man in A.A. is a brother and every woman is a sister, as long as he or she is a member of A.A.  We must try not to think bad things about any members, because if we do, we're consciously or unconsciously hurting that person."

One of the memes in Alcoholics Anonymous (Ed. Note: I don't know what a meme is.) is that we get better physically, then mentally, then emotionally, and finally: spiritually.  That's one of the reasons we encourage people to keep coming back to meetings - we need to flush the poisons out of our system.  Most of us have stories of meeting someone we've known for a while but haven't seen after we got sober, and having the person struggle to recognize you.  Most of us have pictures taken when we were at the end of our runs - generally not a good look.  I understand why people would give me the crook eye.  Or the stink eye.  Occasionally the evil eye.

"I knew the man by name, and partially recognized his features, but there all resemblance ended.  I talked with him for some time, but was not able to bring myself to feel that I had known him before.  He had accepted the plan outlined in this book."  Big Book  P. xxxi  The Doctor's Opinion.

The idea here, originally, was to talk about my mouth.  I've gotten in pretty good shape physically and my behavior is not bad and I've really taken to heart the exhortation to practice restraint of tongue and pen and keyboard - this through hard experience, of course - but my thinking can be a problem.  It can be venomous.  It can be murderous.  On an average day it tends toward self-righteous indignation with a frisson of intolerant judgement and a whiff of dismissive arrogance.  I usually tell new people that thinking is free - it's the actions that they need to work on first.  I stand by this reasoning.  But I also believe that our thinking - if pursued long and with diligence - hardens and becomes who we are.  If I mutter darkly about the behavior of someone else- particularly another A.A. member - then I find I believe my mutterings and bad behavior follows.

"Carry out God's guidance as best you can.  Leave the results up to God."

Yeah, like I'm going to leave the results up to God, that idiot.  I'm The Man.  I'm in charge.  I make the calls and call the shots.  Just the way it is.  Who knows better than me?

Goat of the Family

 The best thing I ever did for my family relationships was to move 2,500 miles away.  I have decent relationships with my family but the distance isn't hurting anything and my family is totally fine - I just don't really fit in that well.  I can't even call myself the Black Sheep of the family.  I'm not even a sheep at all.  I'm the fucking goat of the family, for god's sake.  It's no wonder I don't fit in.

The good news is that family relationships almost always improve.  The honest news is that sometimes they don't.  I got fired from the job I was working at when I got sober and then I got fired from the next one so it's not like the effects of the spiritual program I was toiling away at did me any good in the work world.  Same thing with family from time to time - I was easily controllable when I was drinking and then I wasn't.  I changed a ton and my family didn't, which was fine because they were pretty normal and not all drunken assholes. I think what I bring to the party today is consistency - they may not always like what I bring but they know what to expect.  And the stress and confusion of finding out where you fit in the family dynamic gets easier over time

Death of a family member is a tough one.  It takes a long time to process whether or not you're sober and whether or not you get along with the family member in question.  Your dad is your dad and your mom is your mom.

Box of time and space.  Such a great concept, being fixed inside a box of time and space and trying to understand a Higher Power that is limitless.  It's no wonder that I have trouble grasping what's going on.  I'm trying to understand the incomprehensible.  

Obviously we talked about some family dynamics at the meeting today.  I like how we take normal living situations and try to solve them using spiritual principles.  A good meeting always comes back to solving a practical challenge with a Twelve Step solution.

Canned Beans

 If you don't want to be afraid don't tell yourself scary stories.  The problem, of course, is that I'm addicted to adrenaline.  I like to go fast.  I like to be on the knife edge.  Peaceful is sort of boring.  Adrenaline is a neurotransmitter that the body secretes when it senses a threat.  If you think you're going to be eaten by a saber-toothed tiger you're going to get a jolt of adrenaline.  Because this kind of threat doesn't pop up too often we manufacture fake, implausible threats so we can enjoy that familiar rush.

I also like to be the center of attention.  I also don't like to sweep my side of the street.  I'd prefer to concentrate on your side of the street.  A lot of the time I just stand out in traffic so I don't even have to pretend I'm interested in cleaning up my side of things.  Plus, I'm a little closer to your side of the street which enables me to see your problems more clearly.

We think too much.  We over-analyze everything.  Quit thinking so much and do something.  I'm watching this cop program where the main character has a sign in his cubicle that says: "Get off your ass and go knock on some doors."  He knows he isn't going to solve any crimes thinking about things.

People who don't have a drinking problem don't wonder if they have a drinking problem.  They can walk down the beer aisle at the grocery store without all kinds of lights and sirens going off.  I'm still fascinated by the beer aisle.  I can walk down it now without breaking out into a cold sweat but it's still a compelling experience.  Before we had all these specialty craft beers I used to be able to tell the different brands just from the color schemes - Busch was blue, Bud was Red, Miller was gold - they didn't have to write the name of their beer on the side of the carton.  I don't know what color Campbell's uses for their soup or Butternut uses for their bread.  If I have to walk by the canned beans to get to the eggs I don't look at all the different kinds of canned beans.  I don't give a shit.  I don't wonder what that brand tastes like or parse the difference between chickpeas and garbanzos.

Gossip and Criticism, Oh, My

 "Two things can spoil group unity - gossip and criticism.   To avoid these divisive things, we must realize that we're all in the same boat.  We're like a group of people in a life-boat after the steamer has sunk.  If we're going to be saved, we've got to pull together.  It's a matter of life or death for us.  Gossip and criticism are sure ways of disrupting any A.A. group.  We're all in A.A. to keep sober ourselves and to help each other to keep sober.  And neither gossip nor criticism helps anyone to stay sober."

I like the use of the word "nor."  Very Victorian.

Gossip:  Idle talk about someone's private or personal matters, especially someone not present.

Criticize:  To find fault (with something).

A good rule of thumb for me: never say something about someone that you wouldn't say with that person standing right in front of you.

"We are like the passengers of a great liner the moment after rescue from shipwreck when joyousness, camaraderie, and democracy pervade the vessel from steerage to the Captain's table."  Big Book P. 17.  (Ed. Note: Yeah, I wonder where the daily meditation book got this idea of passengers in a lifeboat . . . . )

"Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends on A.A. unity.  Without unity, A.A. dies.  Individual liberty, yet great unity.  The group must survive or the individual will not."  12&12 P. 9.

"We should try to be grateful for all the blessings we have received and which we do not deserve.  People do not care much for those who are smug and self-satisfied or those who gossip and criticize.  But people are impressed by true humility.  So we should try to walk humbly at all times."

It's Fine

"We gradually begin to get a peace of mind and serenity which we never thought were possible.  This peace of mind is based on a feeling that fundamentally all is well.  That does not mean that all is well on the surface of things.  Little things can keep going wrong and big things can keep on upsetting us.  But deep down in our hearts we know that everything is eventually going to be all right."

First of all, I'm not especially comfortable with the concept of "big" and "little."  I can extrapolate - little is probably not being able to get the lid off my peanut jar and big is probably finding out I have a flesh-eating disease.  Still, there should be a list somewhere that we can access to see whether or not our upset is justified or not.  "Surface" is a tricky concept, too, as is "fundamentally."  I digress - the point here is that everything is going to be all right . . . in the long haul, in the Big Scheme of Things . . . . eventually.

Eventually:  In the end;  at some later time, especially after a long time, a series of problems, delays, struggles or setbacks.  (Ed. Note: Whew.)

Fundamentally:  Reaching the very core or essence of the matter.

"It has been said that we should 'wear the world like a loose garment.'  That means that nothing should seriously upset us because we have a deep, abiding faith that God will always take care of us.  To us that means not to be too upset by the surface wrongness of things, but to feel deeply secure in the fundamental goodness and purpose in the universe."

"Loose garment."  I'm more of a spandex guy.  I have a Kung Fu grip.  When I get my claws into something I'm not inclined to let it go, even if it's a poisonous snake or an angry boss.  Of course, the point here again is that I need to relax.  I need to remember that what is upsetting me today will be meaningless soon.  It will be handled.  I won't remember it in the future.

A friend sent me a short video clip called "Angry IKEA Guy."  This guy was a part time worker at IKEA who riffed on 15 or 20 dumb things that people say to him all the time.  The one that made me laugh was "Every time I come here my order gets messed up."  Angry IKEA Guy wants to say: "Then what are you doing here?  Go somewhere else.  Are you waiting for me to call you an Uber?  LOOK INWARD!"

I like that reminder to Look Inward.  I like to remember that the world is fine and that I can't change the world.  If there's a problem then the problem is me because I'm the only one that can fix the problem, either by stopping doing what I'm doing or beginning to do something that I should be doing.  You're fine.  Keep on doing what you're doing.  It's fine.

 

Beyond the Pale

Beyond the Pale:  (Ed. Note: This is actually a cool reference.  The Pale was an area of Ireland that was under British control so if you went "beyond the pale" you were potentially in dangerous territory and therefore outside of the limits of acceptable behavior.)

After a while we're going to find Great Truths that define our lives.  Some of them are universal - tell the truth, play nice with others, don't be so fricking selfish - and some are going to resonate with each of us personally.  I have a long Quiet Time every morning - and I mean every morning - but I'm not a daily meeting participant.  Here are a few classics I jotted down while on a recent Zoom meeting.

Being in the right now.  My personal favorite of the Irritating Slogans and probably the biggest hitter of them all.  How much do we hear about One Day at a Time?

I have character defects and so do you.  In fact, I believe I have every single character defect today that I had when I was drinking.  Mercifully, most of them lie dormant although a handful are not that dormant.  They're burbling just below the surface, like an active volcano.  And then there are a couple two-three that are bedevilments, activated at the drop of a hat and a constant irritant.  Self-righteous, indignant, dismissive, impatient . . . shit, I'm at four already and I'm just getting rolling.  This concept of character defects bites both ways - I take satisfaction in the considerable progress I've made and I'm grateful that these daily wrestling matches with the embedded ones keep me centered and aware and on my toes, always trying to improve.

The Line.  We all have a series of lines beyond which ye may not cross lest ye court eternal peril.  I try to be calm and understanding, aware that I don't know where you came from and what you wrestle with on a daily basis.  Some of the lines are obvious: murder, infidelity, racism, believing that football is better than baseball, and some are more personal, lines that I'm comfortable crossing that may be a bridge too far for you.  The point is that I should try to remain true to my Lines.  You fudge a little on your expense report from time to time?  I'm OK with that.  You cheat on your wife?  Across the line.  The behavior of the Keep It Complicated ringleaders is a perfect example for me: behavior that is beyond the pale for me but that most people can overlook.

To thine own self be true. 

Fact Is

"The fact is that you can do practically anything in the field of human relationships, if you are willing to call on God's supply of strength.  The supply many not be immediately available, because you may not be entirely ready to receive it.  But it will surely come when you are properly prepared for it."

Another one of those reminders that I suck at relationships because I'm so freaking self-centered by nature.  Lest I forget The Book reminds me often, gently but persistently.  Buttressed by another, different reminder that I have a reserve of strength available to me . . . when I decided to tap into it.  I so often like to go it alone.

"Painful as the present time may be, you will one day see the reason for it.  You will see that it was not only testing, but also a preparation for the life-work which you are to do.  Have faith that your prayers and inspirations will some day be answered.  Answered in a way that perhaps seems painful to you but is the only right way.  Selfishness and pride often make us want things that are not good for us."

And another reminder that Pain is Inevitable.  I learn this and forget and learn it and forget it.  Reminded that when I check in with my Higher Power my requests are always, always answered.  I didn't used to believe this because I felt that two of the three answers - No.  and Wait. - were not acceptable.  My preferred Higher Power would say "Yeah.  Sure.  No problem." and then everything would work out great for me.  I'm reminded that when I get what I want it often blows up in my face.  Sometimes those Nos have saved my bacon.  Can you imagine how dead I would be if I had won the lottery when I was still drinking?  I almost pulled that off drinking cheap beer and smoking weed.  If I could have paid for high quality coke when I was running and gunning today I would be in a padded cell wearing a straight jacket.

Here are some notes I jotted down at a recent meeting when something someone shared struck a nerve.  I don't know what any of it means.  The short term memory is really short term these days.

Freedom from everybody. (Yeah, sometimes and with some people and not for very long and on a surfacey level.  A questionable freedom from time to time.)

Nothing is my fault - everything is your fault unless it's good.  Then it's definitely because of me.  (I really can't find any fault with this line of thinking.  It was true when I was drinking and it's true today.  I can always find someone else to blame.  I think this is why God put so many people on this earth - more of them to pisssssss me off.)

Didn't hurt anyone.  Pointing the finger.  (I believe the thinking here is that even when it's my fault it doesn't matter because it's none of your fucking business anyway.  Leave me alone.)

Saying sorry once.  (I like this idea that my amends should be twofold: a sincere face-to-face apology and then a continuation of good behavior that shows my sincerity.  It hardly works if I say I'm sorry and then keep doing the objectionable thing.)

It Took What It Took and It Is What It Is

 "We in Alcoholics Anonymous do not try to chart the path for the human soul or try to lay out a blueprint of the workings of faith, as one might plan a charity drive.  We do tell the newcomer that we have renewed our faith in a Higher Power.  In the telling, our faith is further renewed.  We believe there is a force for good in the universe and that if we link up with this force, we are carried onward to a new life."

One of the slowest, steadiest, best-est lessons I've learned in A.A. is that I need to stay out of everyone else's business.  I have no idea what anyone else should do.  I can't chart your path.  I can't tell someone who is killing himself with methamphetamine what to do.  It would seem that putting down the crack pipe and the bottle of Jack Daniels would be helpful but that would assume I know what the plan is for you.  Again, I guess the world is lucky that keeping track of my wallet and car keys is such a taxing task that I don't have time to run the world anymore.  Maybe the meth head has to take the bus a few more stops down the line.  Then maybe his message will resonate with someone else later on.

I was four years into a six year program to become an optometrist when I was unceremoniously kicked out of the school.  I am vaguely aware that a lot of people tried to get me back on the path, assuming quite reasonably that my life would run a lot more smoothly if I wasn't knocking back three quarts of Schlitz Malt Liquor each night.  They were all unsuccessful.  They were all spectacularly unsuccessful.  I idly wonder what my life would have looked like if I had stayed the course.  I don't feel any regret for what happened - I'm in a damn good place.  I don't see how I could be in any better place.  So my take-away is that I had to go through what I went through to get to this place.  Not saying that if I had sobered up ten years earlier than I did that I wouldn't be in a sweet place right now but it would be a different sweet place.  

It took what it took and it is what it is.

Divine Retribution

 "Disillusionment and spiritual confusion mark our age.  Many of us have cast aside old ideas without acquiring new ones.  Many men and women are creeping through life on their hands and knees, merely because they refuse to rely on any power but themselves.  (Ed. Note: There's a power besides me?  Holy shit.)  Many of them feel that they are being brave and independent, but actually they are only courting disaster.  Anxiety and the inferiority complex have become the greatest of all modern plagues."

Lots of good words here . . . 

Disillusionment:  A feeling of disappointment, akin to depression, arising from the realization that something is not what it was expected or believed to be, possibly accompanied by philosophical angst from having one's beliefs challenged.

"Philosophical angst" ain't too shabby, either.  A good definition buried inside a definition.  Very sneaky.

Anxiety:  An unpleasant state of mental uneasiness, nervousness, apprehension and obsession or concern about some uncertain event.  

"Some uncertain event."  Also very sneaky.  I was describing some proposed disaster that was sure to strike me down to a long-timer once when he interrupted and said: "So you're telling yourself scary stories again?"

Plague:  A widespread affliction, calamity, or destructive influence, especially when seen as divine retribution.

I don't even know where to start here.  "Divine Retribution"  would be an excellent name for a hard rock band.  I like the idea that some of us might have a Higher Power that would feel the need to strike us down with pain and misery.  THAT'S not a working Higher Power.

I was an asshole long before I started to drink.  That's what the inventory Steps tell me.  You Are An Asshole sometimes.  Quit pointing out that other people are assholes sometimes, too.  There are some real bad assholes out there.  We get it.  Deal with it.  EVERYBODY gets to be an asshole from time to time.  This is part of the human condition: Temporary Asshole Syndrome.  It should be an instinct it's so prevalent.

The other thing the inventory steps do is make me look at MYSELF.  Quit looking at the defects of character (including but not limited to Temporary Asshole Syndrome) that other people have.  We get this, too.  Other people behave badly sometimes and sometimes when they do this affects us adversely.  Deal with it.  You're gonna get screwed over by some asshole from time to time.

I heard a good euphemism for "lying" today.  "Omitting."  We omit some important details when we lie.  Add that to these popular favorites: Rounding Up.  Embellishing.  Making someone believe something that isn't true without saying any specific false words.  Padding the resume.

Here's one of my favorite passages from Step Eight in the 12 &12: "Since defective relations with other human beings have nearly always been the immediate cause of our woes, including our alcoholism . . . . "  I love the lines that remind me that I sucked at relationships.  

But we are heartened by a Promise at the end of the Step: "It is the beginning of the end of isolation from our fellows and from God."

The Little Man

 "What are we doing in this often undignified circus that is life?  What the hell is going on with our ridiculous bodies and our even more ridiculous relationship between our bodies and minds?  How is anybody supposed to get through 30, 40, 50, 60 (!) years with some modicum of grace on this sweaty, crusty orb?  What happens when progressing upward, toward greater heights of achievement, ceases to be a realistic goal?  How do you respond when you've spent your whole life trying to get fitter, faster, stronger and you start getting slower and weaker anyway?

The biggest of these discoveries is the idea that physical pursuits, which on the surface may seem like a way of trying to fend off death, are actually a way to accept it.  Every day you check in with your body.  For a while you get better and then you get worse.  It's a hell of a thing to face day after day.  What's 'winning' once you've summitted the crest and begun the descent, anyway?  How do you do nothing when the doctor looks at your bum shoulder and says: 'Yep.  It's frozen.  Not much to do about it.  It'll resolve in a year or two.  Or not.'  The path to enlightenment is not always marked by grand new achievements and personal bests."

My physician here in town is definitely a curmudgeon.  He really doesn't give a shit what I think about anything.  He tells me what he thinks and then encourages me to do whatever I want to do.  He always writes down what I say so I'm real careful about what I say because he'll bring it up later down the road if I try to get away with some bullshit.  If I say I'm going to do something I goddamn better do it.  "Collaborative Medicine" he calls it.  "Evidence Based" he calls it.  He shows me the facts; he goes over a whole variety of different approaches; and then asks me what I want to do.  Which is for him to tell me what the fuck to do.  He's the fucking doctor, right?  He's a short guy so SuperK and I call him - not to his face - "The Little Man."  We're both afraid of The Little Man.  He's not into coddling otherwise healthy people when they come in with some minor complaints.  He'll jot down some notes while mumbling things like "barely noticeable" or "mild symptoms" or "... will resolve on its own."  God forbid I ask for antibiotics if I have a cold.  I go in for my yearly physical and I go in when I'm really worried about something . . . which is not too often.

The italicized text above is from a review of a book by Alison Bechdel called "The Secret to Superhuman Strength."  I gotta read this one.  It makes me feel better when I understand that other people are going through what I'm going through.  This is one of the strengths of Alcoholics Anonymous.  We're not doing it alone.

Self-Seeking Will Slip Away

Strive:  To try to achieve a result; to make a strenuous effort; to try earnestly and persistently.

Self-seeking motives.  "Self-seeking will slip away."

"The program of Alcoholics Anonymous involves a continuous striving for improvement.  There can be no long resting period.  We must try to work at it all the time.  We must continually keep in mind that it is a program not to be measured in years, because we never fully reach our goals nor are we ever cured.  Our alcoholism is only kept in abeyance by daily living of the program.  It is a timeless program in every sense.  We live it day by day, or more precisely, moment by moment."

Abeyance is a pretty good word, too.   Too bad I'm too lazy to look it up this  morning.  It means a temporary suspension or a dormant condition.  I can take a break from a lot of things but not my recovery.  That bitch is an on or an off thing.  I can eat a bowl of ice cream for breakfast; I can sit in the hot tub for an hour instead of swimming; I can watch cat videos instead of reading; but I don't get to abey my recovery.

"Alcoholics are unable or unwilling, during their addiction to alcohol, to stop existing in a constant state of remorse and fear because of their unholy past and its morbid attraction, or the uncertain future and its vague forebodings.  So the only real hope is to face the present.  Now is the time.  Now is ours.  The past is beyond recall.  The future is as uncertain as life itself.  Only the now belongs to us."

One Day At A Time is the absolute best slogan.  If I had to pick one to A.A. slogan to hang my hat on this would be it.  As long as I'm in the present I'm going to be okay.  It's enough with regretting the past or imagining the awful things that are sure to happen to me in the future.  I like the phrase "vague foreboding."  Let's leave all vague forebodings to the times when we're planning a visit to the abandoned amusement park where a lot of people have been murdered and - if we have to go - let's pick a bright, sunny day.

"Leave each soul the better for having met you or heard you.  Your attitude should be a loving desire to help and an infectious spirit of calmness and trust in God.  I ask that I may be calm in the midst of storms.  I pray that I may pass on this calmness to others who are lonely and full of fear."