Jet Wash

Excuse: To explain, with the aim of alleviating guilt or negative judgment.

I'm getting a little more comfortable telling people that I'm suffering under the lash of anxiety. Once a pent-up demand is unleashed then the floodwaters flow.  The hardest time to talk about something unpleasant is the first time.

Mean old levee taught me to weep and moan,
Got what it takes to make a mountain man leave his home.
Cryin' won't help you, prayin' won't do you no good.
Now, cryin' won't help you, prayin' won't do you not good.
When the levee breaks, mama, you got to move.
Etc, Etc, Etc.

I spent some time talking to friends after the meeting this morning.  Some of these guys and gals aren't sober nearly as long as I am but they work good programs and that's what's important to me at this point.  There are people who have been sober a long time who are real dickheads still and there are newer people who are tearing it up in the good recovery department.  

One of my buddies today gave me a pretty good grilling about what I was doing to counteract the anxiety.  I admit to being a little defensive.  I was not playing offense.  I was flailing away at a lot of balls that were coming in high and tight.  A little chin music so to speak.  Most of the things he talked about I was already doing or actively considering so it wasn't like he was suggesting some radical new shit.  There isn't a whole lot of new thinking in our 12 Step Program - we tend to rely instead on a lot of tried and true stuff.  But there are some things that I could be adding to my routine - things I have pondered and rejected - and a few of my excuses . . . er, explanations, rather . . . sounded a little flimsy in the jet wash of his fastballs.  I was having a hard time buying it myself so I can only imagine how crappy it sounded to him.  The concept of an "excuse" was active in my cortex.

There's a phrase in The Program: "Don't take someone else's inventory."  That phrase is not in the Seaweed lexicon.  I want people to take my inventory.  I don't want people to tell me what I'd like to hear - I want them to tell me what I need to hear.  Sometimes I get my head so far up my own ass that I think it's nighttime.  

Shine a light in there, please.