Running My Mouth

Instinct:  A natural or inherent impulse or behavior.

The negotiation process for our Real Estate was a good reminder of exactly what kind of person I am.  Now to be fair, I'm a hell of lot better than I used to be and I'm working steadily at becoming better still but the old Seaweed is still down there, alive and kicking.  He isn't running wild anymore but he is intact and functional.  He wants Money! Power!! Sex!!! and he isn't afraid to take out the occasional eye or break the odd arm  or try to run through the un-run-through-able wall once his instincts get revved up.  I saw that as the Buyers and I diddled around with pretty meaningless things.

"Yeah?"  I got ready to say. "Well, #$!! you, you worthless piece of *&%!!.  I want to move out on the 27th, not the 28th."  

I believe we call this shooting oneself in the foot or cutting off one's nose to spite oneself.  It's a perfect example of the ego asserting itself; as in, "I know this is too much food for me to eat but I'm not going to give you any of it."  This type of behavior is exactly why I'm kept chained in a small, windowless box most of the time, and I still manage to muck things up.  I can't help it - I want to win even if I don't care anything about what I'm winning.

The spiritual part of my program has really helped me with this.  I'm opinionated and competitive, mentally, emotionally, physically.  I'm intensely competitive.  I have a tendency to separate things into right or wrong, good or bad, black and white and if you don't happen to agree with me then I'm going to show you the error of your ways.  I'm going to convert you to the correct way of thinking and believing.

Yeah, well, that's fucking great.  Who appointed me Ruler of the Universe?  Well, I did, of course, an action that falls well within my authority as Ruler of the Universe.  

I have this sponsor who reminds me to place principles before personalities.  He does this even though it's a concept firmly ensconced in our Traditions - he knows my tendency to avoid reading our literature or, more egregiously, try to change anything in the literature that I don't like.  When I'm growing spiritually I try to see things from a different point of view.  Often I learn something valuable.  Mostly, though, even if I don't change my belief structure much I don't fall into the trap of ridiculing someone else or trying to convert them.  I try to see things from their point of view.  What usually happens is I get to a nice place of acceptance.