Ho Ho Ho

I find that around the holidays I tend to be reflective about family, family matters, and family family family relationships.  Boy, is there a wide range of family dynamics out there.  I'm not sure that The Program is any better or any worse than the rest of the world when it comes to the family.  There are some wonderfully traditional families; there are some horribly dysfunctional families; and there are a lot of pretty typical families that alcoholics like to imagine are much worse than is really the case.   We tend toward hyperbole with everything.


I have lived a good chunk of my life away from my family and I often feel guilty about it.  This is not surprising: my family is masterful with guilt.  This is why I'm a egomaniac with an inferiority complex.  I never feel like I'm doing it right because the feedback I get is along the lines of: "You're not doing it right."  Nobody ever admits to this, of course, or actually says this.  They prefer silences and meaningful sighs and back channel gossip and all other manner of passive aggressive behavior.  The consequence is that I don't miss these people all that much.  It's easier to live a long, long way away from them.


I feel guilty about this.


I have been soliciting feedback from my non-alcoholic friends who chose to move away from their family of origin.  Nobody seems to be very guilty about it.  Some people don't see their families very often at all.  Herr Luber told me that he was expected to go out and make his own way in the world.  I'm not under the impression that the people I'm talking to have relationships that aren't good, either.  


I have not made the slightest effort to return home for the holidays.  I'm not interested in doing it at all.  It would be more painful than not going home.  Now, if I try to maintain some balance in my life -- an impossibly daunting task for an All or Nothing guy like me -- I should point out that no one has made an effort to come visit me.  I don't even ask because the possibility of that happening is non-existent.  I'm expected to inconvenience myself but that's as far as it goes.  


I would get a meaningful sigh.