The Self

Self: One's own welfare, interest, or advantage; selfishness: as, people concerned only with thought of self.

I do well to remember that alcoholics don't have the market cornered on lousy behavior. We have taken the pursuit of money, power, and sex into the stratosphere but these primary instincts are installed in everyone, and they are very compelling. Many people who don't drink to excess trample their fellows into the muck as they pursue money, power, and sex.

Since I've taken some time to talk about my family members behind their backs I might as well continue the riff until it's played out. Believe it or not, it's been helpful for me to do this. Sometimes other people act like jerks and I may be too close, too involved with the circumstances to look at it dispassionately. A few weeks ago SuperK and I were talking to Spandex after a meeting, describing how our relationships with our families have played out over the years. A couple of times he interrupted to say: "You're kidding me! That's unbelievable! " I was a little startled. I have lived within these dynamics for so long that they seemed normal to me; at least they were familiar.

Yesterday was Halloween; selfish behavior and good cheer was on display for all to see as various relatives tried to maneuver everyone else into positions of submission while pretending that humility was being practiced. And for those who weren't willing to be maneuvered -- OK, that's me, obviously -- the air was thick with unspoken disapproval. I can feel the gossip flowing from different houses this morning.

The problem with expectations is that people can assume that a behavior that's important to them should be important to you, too. But if you're interested in something that they could care less about then, my, how the tables are turned. I've learned in A.A. that I have to show some interest in other people even when I'm not interested in other people as a general rule. I become interested in you when I take the time to listen to you, not when I evaluate everything that's going on from my own self-centered perspective. It's not fair for me to expect someone to be engaged in everything I'm interested in but not make the same effort with them.

This is the definition of selfish.