Hearing The Message

I solicited some advice about the family drinking situation at a meeting last night. This is a men's meeting with a lot of sobriety in attendance. It can get a little over the top from time to time, as men are wont to do, but it's a solid group of guys. Generally, I hesitate bringing up a topic in a lot of meetings because there is a tendency for people to talk at me, to solve my problem, to give me advice. I think that passing along specific recommendations has its part in my recovery, but it should happen before and after the meeting or on the phone, not in the meeting itself. I understand this to be cross-talk, which I hate. If you tell me what to do I'm doing something else. If you tell me what you did, maybe, maybe, I'll listen.


Anyway, the message I heard repeatedly was this: pray for the guy; make yourself available; don't buy into any bullshit. When we're drinking and not interested in stopping there is no solution. I've gotten pretty good over the years detaching from drunks who are drinking: "You want to drink, then drink. You know where to find us." We don't pass this message along with anger or arrogance but as a simple fact. We're like teenagers most of the time. You can't tell us anything. It almost killed me getting sober when I was All In. I didn't have a prayer when I was justifying what I was doing, when I was resisting the message. The guys I hung around with early on didn't waste much time with me, as they shouldn't have. I was still a lost cause at that point; they had people who wanted the help that I was refusing.

The other thing I heard was: Family is hard. It's painful watching someone evaporate, but it hurts in a special way when it's a loved one. And then, to compound the misery, I have codependent family members calling to insist that I drop what I'm doing and Run Over! Right Now! Solve the Problem! I keep giving the same simple message over and over. I feel like I'm talking to a piece of wood; nothing is penetrating. I'm not a woodpecker.


If SuperK is around, I use the speaker phone so that I have a witness to the drama. As a people pleaser, it's not easy delivering blunt advice. Usually she pats me on the shoulder and walks out of the room. There's not a lot to say. It isn't very complicated. I should be the guy who tells people they have fatal diseases or are losing their jobs: "Sit down Mr. Johnson. I have some bad news. . . "

Wouldn't it be GREAT if I could fix everything that is wrong? Boy, would I have a big boat.