There I Go Again

 "It takes 20 years to become an overnight success."  Anonymous

Mindfulness practice to me is being 100% honest with myself.  When I meditate I try to watch my own mind - as horrifying as that can be at times because of all the really scary stuff in there - and I always notice certain things that I find unpleasant.  What do I do?  I try to reject them, get rid of 'em, get them outta there.  I don't like to detach myself from loved ones and I don't like unloved ones attaching themselves to me.  I don't like what naturally happens to all of us - growing old, becoming sick, slowing down, showing my age, because of a great and shallow desire to preserve my appearance.  A distant cousin of mine saw a picture of me recently and exclaimed: "Grandpa Paul!"  I know I look like the guy but sheesh.  C'mon.  I don't like anyone pointing out my faults because I take great pride in the fact that I have no faults at all and if I did they'd be well hidden and not detectable.  I don't like for anyone to be wiser than me.  

When I'm in a hate-everyone-and-everything state of mind I have to remember that the mothisre power I give people, places, and things the more miserable I become.  And I have to include the opinions, ideas, beliefs, and decisions of others in there, too.  When I'm unhappy or discontented then I need to use mindfulness to track down the roots of my malaise because those roots are within me.  If I'm content in my own mind no one can upset me because then I don't give a shit what they think of me.  I can listen to someone point out my faults, calmly, because, boy, it's a lot easier seeing your defects than paying attention to mine.  I have blind spots.  We all do.  So I try to take criticism of my faults and shortcomings as a hidden treasure, an opening of a door to becoming a better person, for it's only by becoming aware of my faults that I can start to correct them and I can do this while overlooking the fact that the person pointing a finger has faults as well.  I have to step away from the finger-pointing that I love so much: "Yeah, sure, I'm an asshole but you're a huge asshole" or "okay, I did that but you did this."

To repeat myself for the thousandth time: I never give advice because I don't know what's best for you.  I never criticize because virtually everyone I know is too hard on themselves as it is.  I'll tell you what I did and how that worked out for me; I've read the literature dozens and dozens of times so I can tell you pretty accurately what's found in there; and I'll encourage you to talk to many, many people because you're going to hear many, many opinions and one of them is going to be right for you.

When greed, hatred, and ignorance reveal themselves to me I try to track them down and comprehend their roots.  Quit reacting!  I never make good decisions when I'm reacting quickly.