Get Away From Me

I can be a stand-offish guy.  I'm friendly and outgoing but wary of many people.  Frankly, I'm suspicious of every fucking thing on the planet but that's a much larger topic that should be reserved for another day.  Often I'll watch people for a while before wasting my precious time in getting to know them better.  My default position is this: You aren't worth my time until you prove otherwise.  I know this sounds a tad arrogant.  I don't mean it to.  I no longer think I'm either better or worse than anyone else and that used to be the case.  I looked down my nose at you or I resented the advantages you possessed, whether you deserved those advantages or not.  Today I believe we're all little sperm-like creatures floating in a murky soup, swimming like mad trying to get somewhere for some reason.  Mostly we're just flailing about.

I'm especially suspicious of Alpha Dog male types.  They have a swagger and a self-centered aura that rubs me the wrong way.  Part of this, I'm sure, is that I'm kind of a off-center, low-key, semi-conscious Big Personality myself - I certainly don't mind being the center of attention if . . . and this is a big if . . . I'm in control of the circumstances.  And I certainly have no problem speaking my mind in public . . . like right to your face.  But as a general rule I'm not calling attention to myself.

In my morning meeting a man who had recently been released from prison on a murder charge began to attend daily.  I've asked him about his time in prison - over 20 years in prison, to be precise, which is a long, long time to be in prison.  He said when he was young he was involved in a robbery where someone was killed.  I'm not sure of the extent of his involvement and I didn't press him on the matter.  He was a little hesitant and reserved in his explanation.  I get this, too - I'm sure it's one thing to say that you've been in prison and another altogether to expound on the particulars.  I'm guessing the reaction from your average citizen isn't too positive.

 He's calm, peaceful sort of fellow so I surmise that he was wasted or needed money to get wasted and that money was the goal and not violence.  Maybe he'll elaborate someday and maybe he won't.  I don't really care, frankly.  This Program is all about rehabilitation and second chances, and anyone that can get sober in prison - not jail, prison - is okay in my book.

I will say it took a while for the two of us to warm up to each other.  I'm older than he is and he's one of those charismatic drunks who attracts a lot of newer people.  I dunno but I find this off-putting in a way, and that's totally on me.  I'm not jealous but I'm wary about the occasional   Sponsors that I see in A.A.  You know the type - they have a whole raft of sponsees.  I did note, however, and grudgingly, that it was a lot of rougher characters, people who wouldn't normally gravitate to me and my stand-offish brand of antiseptic intellectualized recovery.

He got a job as a firefighter in California and is gone for long stretches of time.  We've been texting back and forth and they have been warm exchanges.  This makes me feel great.  I see where I'm lacking and he's not, and vice versa.  Anyone who is working a good Program is bringing good stuff to the table.  Glad I'm there to scarf some of it down.