Jeebus and Descartes

 "If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you.  If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you."  Jeebus

"The chief cause of human error is to be found in prejudices picked up in childhood."  Rene Descartes

As I continue to reread through many years of old journals I'm struck with amusement mixed with consternation at how many habits that I'm trying to change or activities that I'm trying to start or moderate show up again and again and again.  I can visualize how easy it must have been for me to vow to quit drinking over and over and over and over again.  I wanted to quit; I knew it would be good for me; my intentions were pure, my willpower powerful, my self-knowledge knowledgeable, my intuition was intuiting, but I never . . . you know . . . quit.

I drink too much coffee.  I eat too much sugar.  I exercise too much and when I exercise I ignore stretching and strengthening, two things that are becoming more and more important as I get older.  Some of these notes have been on there for years.  I've taken to including supplications for help from my Higher Power in my morning Quiet Times which don't seem to be working.  My Higher Power has not yet waved a magic wand over me to change my behavior.   I admire my supplicating efforts but, in the end, we just have to do something sometimes.  I was told when I was struggling to get sober: "Sometimes you have to suck up and not drink."  There were tons of tools to help me stop drinking but none of them was a substitute for not drinking, an action I had to take all by myself and in light of my own circumstances.

And to be positive there are a ton of things on the list that I have accomplished.  And the things that I haven't gotten around to doing aren't really earth-shattering things so I can give myself a fucking break.  The coffee isn't making me delusional and the absence of an abs six-pack isn't disappointing all of my female admirers, etc. etc. etc. 

Notice how I put the negative stuff before the positive stuff?  Old habits etc. etc. etc.