The Colonoscopy Blues

In today's meeting we read the story out of the Big Book about the woman who was responsible for getting AA established in Chicago.  At the end of the story - the recovery part, regrettably not always the longest part  - she talked about some of the blessings that she's received as a sober member of AA.  They were spot-on for me, really speaking to what I've experienced personally.  When I talk about what I'm grateful the two things I always mention are the powerful sense of belonging I receive just by being an active member of such a tight-knit fellowship as well as the fact that having a Higher Power in my life - one that makes sense to me - has shifted my view of the world from a hostile, confrontational place to one that . . . makes sense.  It's fair.  It's not always pleasant and not always easy but it's fair.  I'm doing okay in the world.  If you put all 6 billion plus of us in a long line I'm way up near the front.  I'm blessed.

One woman in attendance is taking care of her mother who is under hospice care.  Her mom has been supplied with a ton of powerful pain medications - morphine, oxy, vicodin - that cannot be returned after she dies for obvious reasons of drug safety.  Yesterday the thought popped into this member's mind that perhaps she should save these drugs after her mom passes.  She cycled through this insanity pretty quickly but I related to how our thoughts can get jiggy in a hell of a hurry.

We watched a movie yesterday where one of the characters was vaping weed.  "Huh," I thought.  "That looks efficient.  No weed is going to waste and there's very little smoke to draw attention to what I'm doing and I never did that and what the fuck am I thinking, anyway?  Where did that come from?"  I was curious.  It looked like something to try, like a new flavor of Snapple.

I share often the story of my first colonoscopy.  A colonoscopy is one of the least pleasant elective things you can go through.  Start to finish, it sucks.  Anyway, a friend from AA picked me up from the hospital while I was still buzzing from the Demerol.  We went out for a cup of coffee.  It was a nice day, I was with a good friend, I love coffee, and I remember thinking that THIS is how I wanted to feel all of the time.  I knew I was high and I never pursued the thought with any action but I enjoyed the fact that I was totally, completely anxiety free.  I was completely relaxed.  It was the state I was always chasing when I was out there.  

I thought about calling my doctor to see if I could have another colonoscopy, right quick.