Stevie Seaweed: Ass

Dependent:  Verb:    Influenced, controlled, or determined by something else.
                      Noun:  A person who relies on someone else for existence, support, etc.


I'm a people pleaser who doesn't care what anyone thinks about him.  It's a very odd combination.  I crave your approval but I don't care whether I get it or not.  It's another one of those facts that makes me think: "Hmm.  It's no wonder I drank."


One of the biggest blessings in my sobriety is that I'm not so consumed with what others think of me.  I try not to act like an ass but I don't spend an inordinate amount of time worrying that someone might not like me because they think I act like an ass.  I mean, it's not as if I never act like an ass -- it's just that I don't act like one all of the time, according to some people, anyway.  I realize that doesn't sound like much but most people who know me now and knew me when are grateful for the few minutes of normalcy that I exhibit.


"At least he's not always an ass," I overhear them mutter.


Off to The Old City I go this week.  I'm not going to score a lot of brownie points with my family. In some ways they liked me better when I was drinking.  Not the drunk part or the cops part or the throwing up part, but the Docile Stevie Seaweed part.  I didn't enjoy my time with these people by and large, but give me a 12 pack and the opportunity to burn a couple of doobies in the upstairs bathroom and I was more than happy to show up and spend an afternoon doing whatever.  I was pretty congenial, malleable.  Now, however, the differences in our interests and beliefs are pretty stark and not hidden in a cloud of pot smoke and beer foam.  Unfortunately, my family is as intransigent as I am when it comes to compromise.  So I spend some time with them but I'm going to wander off on my own a fair amount, too.  Probably when I wander off they say: "Thank god he's out of here for a while," and then feel guilty for feeling that way.  I hope not.  I don't know how anyone can take me for more than a few hours every 6 months or so.  I irritate the hell out of myself after a couple of hours.


I'm never sure how most other people act around their families.  It's not clear to me what my obligations are.  What is it I have to do and what is it that I want to do and where do the twain meet?  Some of us like to spend time with their families and choose to do so.  I wish that was the case with me, but then I see some others who have families that make mine look like a walk in the park, and I feel some gratitude.


Family is hard.