Here I Go Again

It's amazing how many things there are that I don't want to do.  It's astounding.  It's an overwhelming list to ponder.  It contains almost all things that there are.  Then there's the fact that some of these things I have to do.  These things are especially infuriating to me and often a colossal waste of time, in my opinion: doing taxes, doctor's appointments, standing patiently in line, listening to other people talk, bathing regularly and thoroughly with soap and water, oil changes for my car.  This is all bad enough but becomes almost more than I can bear when considered in conjunction with things that I don't have to do but should do, like this trip back to The Old City.


The basic fact is that I don't want to do things that I don't want to do.  What's truly astounding is that I'm amazed at how astounding it is to me that doing things I don't want to do is so infuriating.  I can't think about it too much.  It makes my head hurt to think about it.  It's an Escher-esque maze of circular logic.


I've been talking to people about the trip back to see my family.  The responses are all over the board.  Some people get along great with their blood kin and some people really don't.  Most of us are somewhere in between.  I've had people tell me that what I'm doing is very admirable and others wonder aloud why I go back at all.  There are people that visit their families often and other people that never see them.  My behavior should probably fall somewhere in the middle.  One guy suggested that if no one is having a very good time then maybe a visit is not the best idea.  Why cause angst for everyone, in other words.


"They say they're having a good time," I replied.
"You said you were going to quit drinking years before that, in fact, happened," he said.
I guess when I see someone's eyelid twitching uncontrollably that may be a hint that the words coming out of their mouth are not to be trusted.  Not my friend -- this eyelids are fine; my family.


It's as if there's a part of me - a Big part - that continues to believe that I can get out of this veil of tears pain free.


The ego.