Shot Down in Flames

Suspicion:  The act or an instance of suspecting; believing of something bad, wrong, harmful, etc. with little or no supporting evidence.


Shot down in flames,
I've been shot down in flames.
Ain't it a shame?
To be shot down in flames.      AC/DC


I've had the Coffee Lady on my mind lately; I'm trying to work out in my head what that incident has taught me.  First of all, I do enjoy the satisfaction I get when I do something nice for someone with no hope of any return reward.  In the past I never gave anyone anything unless I was pretty sure something was coming back my way.


Who am I kidding, in the past?  Yeah, right.


Anyway, one of the weird facts of my life is that when I try to give and not focus so much on getting I feel better.  It doesn't look good on an accounting spread sheet -- give up something, not get anything in return.  I'd go out of business in a hurry.  But it works.  Go figure.  It must be some of that kooky karma.


Part of my reflections, regrettably, focuses on the self-righteous satisfaction I get from giving when others are not.  I think it makes me feel better than they are.


Jerry Seinfeld: "You're better than they are!"
George Costanza (enthusiastically): "Yeah, who do they think they are?  I'm better than they are.  (Pausing.)  Who am I kidding?  I'm not better than anyone."


One of the things that used to plague me was this sense that people were taking advantage of me.  I'd look at a panhandler and think: lazy, or a drunk who's going to take the money and buy drugs or alcohol, or a con artist who owns a Jaguar (Ed. note: this was actually stated by a distant relative).  And while that may occasionally be the case it's also true that I was refusing help to a lot of people who truly needed it to make sure - to make totally, completely sure -- that no one was gaming the system to my disadvantage.  So today more often than not I shell out a dollar.  I don't care where it ends up.  My god has showered me with many more one dollars than I need to be a productive member of society so I can give one of them to someone else from time to time.


It's just very freeing.