Run Away

Here's the Minor Buddha's take on my day: "One popular human strategy for dealing with difficulty is autosuggestion: when something nasty pops up, you convince yourself it is not there, or you convince yourself it is pleasant rather than unpleasant.  Buddhism advises you not to implant feelings that you don't really have or avoid feelings that you do have.  If you are miserable you are miserable; that is the reality, that is what is happening, so confront that."


There's a great scene in Monty Python's "The Holy Grail" where the guys are attacking a tall castle.  When they get close to the castle walls the defenders begin pouring some kind of liquid crap down on them.  They look at each other for a second, then start yelling: "Run away!  Run away!"  before scooting off.  That's a good metaphor for my life; when I'm uncomfortable I don't like it and I take off running.  When I was still drinking I buried the bad feelings under a sea of alcohol.  I can tell you it doesn't work well in the long run.


I have been thinking about my dead friend, may he rest in peace.  I remember the mental torment I was enduring 25 years ago.  I have been trying to imagine how that torment would have intensified if I had never quit drinking.  Even before I was ready to quit I vaguely understood that what I was doing wasn't good for me.  It wasn't comforting to feel that way.


In my meditation I try to focus on my breath while still paying attention to the feelings and thoughts and sensations that are flowing by, without judgment.  I'm often surprised at how they come at me in groups.  Some days I'm fantasizing about things I want; some days I'm living in the fear of what may happen in the future; others find me angry about the past.  It has been helpful in my recovery to see how my mind is trying to move me where it wants to go which isn't necessarily where I want to be.