Gruesome

Gruesome:  Causing fear and loathing; horrifying and revolting; grisly.


I had to get a new driver's license and license plates for my car this week.  I've been using the ones from the Old City, still technically valid even though I really should have replaced them after I moved, a year ago.  I might have to look up the definition of the word "procrastination."


"You're still using the old plates?" a friend from The Program asked me recently.  "You've been here like 10 months."


"I paid good $#!! money for those $#!! plates and they're still $#!! valid," I replied, a little defensively.


I don't enjoy doing things like standing in line at government agencies with the rest of the public.  It may be fine for them but it's definitely beneath me.  It's not a good, efficient, pleasant use of my time.  I feel like a sheep or a herd of cattle.  Ergo, I'd rather not do it.  Plus, I had out of state documents, which complicated the process, and I didn't know what I was doing since I hadn't done it before and since I usually don't know what I'm doing generally.


I showed up with a fist full of documents and found out immediately that I needed to get an emissions test on my car.  I didn't know this, not having done any of the appropriate research that some normal person would have done.  I found the fact of this test particularly vexing.  I had procrastinated for such an unreasonable length of time that my license plates had expired so we had driven SuperK's car, which meant my car was at home.  I didn't ask but I assumed that the emissions test people wouldn't go to my apartment and test the car there.  


"Just go over and stand in line at Window 11.  Someone there will help you with your driver's licenses," the guy who irritated me with the test information said.


"OK, government, you win round one," I thought, as we headed for Window 11.


Window 11 was not staffed by anyone visible to the naked eye.  We stood there for a while to no good effect until we noticed people getting in line at another window, which turned out to be the correct one.  We had lost our place in line by then, and more of my valuable, valuable, valuable time was gone, forever.


The lady who helped us was very nice.  She pointed out that SuperK rocked from side to side and that I rocked from front to back.  She stamped documents furiously and filled out forms and told us where to go to get our picture taken for our licenses, as soon as we had taken the written test.


"The what now?" I asked.


"You have to take the written driver's license test here in the New State," she replied.  "You can study this book and take it later or you can take it now.  There are 35 questions and if you get more than 8 wrong you have to wait another month before you can take it again."


I began to point out that I had been driving for 40 $#!! years when I felt SuperK tugging on my sleeve, not the first time she has done this.  She wisely decided to study for a bit before taking the test.  I did not decide to do this.  I had wasted too much of my valuable, valuable time already what with the standing in lines and doing things people other than me should have to do.


The first question asked the legal blood limit for impaired driving in the New State.


I got up and went back to the window.  "I don't drink," I said.  "Why do I give a flying $#!! what the blood alcohol limit is?"


"Just do your best," the nice lady said.


I picked the lowest number, figuring the state probably didn't care for drunks driving around after drinking, and got it right.


The next question was something about how far in front of a passenger car a length of wood or metal pipe could legally protrude.


I got up and went back to the window.  "WTF?" I said.  "My subcompact car is about 10 feet long."


The nice lady, losing patience, pointed back at my work station.  It went like this for a while.  Some of the questions were easy; some were silly, wondering how much leeway I should give to a blind person trying to get across the road outside of a cross walk; and some I got wrong.  Not the one about the blind guy, although I looked for an answer that said: "Gun it, swerve in his direction,  and stand on your horn."  I would have burned a wrong answer just for the hell of it if that had been a choice.


Fortunately, I passed and told SuperK about the tough questions before I left to drive all the way back home to get my car and drive all the way to the testing station and then all the way back to the license bureau.  She did better than I did on the written test, which is no surprise to anyone that knows us.


My car passed the emissions test.  We did get new tags and new driver's licenses.  The whole thing took about 2 and a half hours, which is about what I had figured before we left home, even with all of the tests and side trips.


I got my license today.  My picture is gruesome.