Horseface Reality

Justify:  To free from blame; declare guiltless; acquit; absolve.


I needed to laugh at myself yesterday.  The obstacle was that any humor would interfere with the righteous anger I was carefully nurturing.  I was like a freezing hiker trying to start a small fire, in a windstorm, with wet matches, in 6 feet of snow, and someone kept blowing on the match.  I couldn't let the humor overwhelm my humorless need to be right.


I had another conference call with my handler from The Evil Empire that I work for.  I know I'm repeating myself, being redundant, saying the same thing over and over, but this is the organization that treated my poorly a while back (they really did -- I'm not making this up) which cost me a bunch of money.  So I took some income from them while technically upholding the terms of my contract (I really did -my behavior would stand up in a court of law) which evened the score.  It wasn't the right thing to do but I thought about it long enough and hard enough to justify doing it.


Unfortunately, when I use the phrase "even the score" then I'm doing something that a good prosecuting attorney would completely savage during the cross examination in The Horseface Court of Law, which is really the court of law that's the most important court to me at this point.  Not that I'm out there breaking the real law, either; a pretty guy like me, with my horseface and all, wouldn't do too well in prison.  


It was another one of those conversations where I try to deflect and dance and direct the conversation to places where I don't have to reveal what it is that I'm really doing.  What I'm doing, while technically correct, is violating the spirit of our arrangement.  They wouldn't say: "Horseface, you gorgeous beast, that's OK with us."  I would be disciplined, if not removed.  


In Horseface Reality, a really lousy kind of reality,  I justified this for a while.  I really believed they had screwed me out of money -- and yes, I'm aware that the 12 & 12 devotes several pages explaining how to correct bad behavior that arises out of a selfish pursuit of money -- so I thought it was OK to behave this way, as long as I technically, legally behaved well.  Ethically - not so much.


At this point I knew that I had totally pooped on the concept of "To Thine Own Self Be True."  I mean, it's easy to forget this concept -- it's only on the !!##!! recovery coin that I carry around with me all of the time.


Of course, being a failed Director I could only manage to steer the conversation out of dicey waters for most of the hour it took.  Of course, eventually it washed up into a fetid back eddy where I was trapped in a foaming whirlpool for a while.  I couldn't get the conversation to move back into the main part of the stream and I had to really dance.  I wasn't lying, per se, but I was making someone believe something that wasn't true, which I believe is the definition of lying, unless you're floundering around in Horseface Reality.


This is stressful for me so I begin to get defensive and being a guy, of sorts, defensive works best when mixed with anger.  People back away from me when my anger starts percolating.  I've got a lid on it most of the time but it's not gone, not by any means.  


I muted the phone and found SuperK.
"Help me," I pleaded.  "I'm getting pissed."
"Shhhhh," she said, with a gentle downward motion of her hands.  "Calm, calm."


Eventually, the logjam broke and I was free again.  I walked out of my office and said: "Look."  I raised my arms, showing large circles of perspiration.  It wasn't hot.  It wasn't humid.  I wasn't sick.  This was all stress related sweat.  It's stressful being deceitful.  I wish I wasn't so good at it because it really screws with my serenity.  I'm a TREMENDOUS liar.  It really comes naturally to me.  The truth -- not so much.


We discussed the wisdom of resigning my position with the organization.  It would be the right thing to do.  It's somewhat frightening because there's some little amount of money involved, but not enough to justify those big circles of sweat.


I'll tell you this: I feel free today.  I don't need this in my life anymore.  My serenity is EXTREMELY valuable.


I'm waiting a few weeks, of course.  I have another commission check coming.