Horseface Steve: Bender of Truth

Bend:  To turn from a straight line; cause to swerve.


The thing about telling the truth is that you never have to remember what you've said.


My job as an independent contractor gives me the freedom to conduct my business as I see fit.  The company that I work with doesn't really know that I now live far, far away from my territory (ed. note: by "doesn't really know" I mean "definitely doesn't know").   In theory, I can conduct my business any way I see fit as long as I meet the quotas and other general requirements that they set for me; in practice, in the Real World, where I hate to hang out, it doesn't work that way.  If they knew that I now live far, far away from my territory they would boot my ass into next week, so I haven't exactly told them what I'm doing out here (ed. note: by "haven't exactly" I mean "definitely haven't").   Just because they haven't specifically told me I can't do what I'm doing doesn't mean that it's the right thing to do.  Laws and rules can help me tell right behavior from wrong but more importantly I have that %$#!! internal mechanism that speaks to me quietly and is increasingly hard to ignore.  I can't just slosh a bunch of beer on top of it to shut it up anymore.


Some of the time I can convince myself that I'm telling the truth by artfully using words to give someone the impression that what is happening is not happening.  Most people call this lying; I call it . . . well, lying, too, I guess.  I still hold on to the idea that if I can dance around an issue and make someone believe something that isn't true, it isn't lying if I don't actually use lying words.


This is the logic that I employed to convince myself that smoking crack cocaine wasn't technically a relapse.


Anyway, I told some people a few weeks ago that I was taking a vacation last week.  This morning one of them asked me if I was back in the office, and I said something along the lines of: "What are you talking about?"  That was bad enough but when he mentioned the vacation I was supposed to be on I said something along the lines of: "I wasn't on vacation."  In case I hadn't done enough damage to my reputation I said something along the lines of: "Where did you come up with that information?"  I remembered after I hung up the phone.  I looked foolish.  I looked like a liar.


I believe I have mentioned that the biggest motivator for me to behave well is that I hate getting caught behaving badly.  Regrettably, I don't think it's the lying itself that upsets me as much as the getting caught lying.


Homer Simpson: "I HATE being called a liar unless I happen to be lying or contemplating a lie or I've just finished telling a lie."