Emotional PTSD

Reluctance:  Unwillingness to do something.

I give up things that I don't want to give up only with the greatest reluctance.

Most things that I don't want to give up remain opaque to me, hidden in a murky fog of denial.  I have emotional PTSD.  Something bad happened when  I was programmed and I don't want to take a look to see what it is.  People seem to do whatever they want to do until they want to do it if by "people" you mean "I."

I don't listen to messages if I don't want to hear the message.  People give me all kinds of good advice - at least they say they do - but I don't take it in.  Eventually I'll say: "Maybe I should do this" and it's common to get a stunned, wordless stare.  As in: "I've been saying that for 10 years and you act like you just came up with it."

I really must try people's patience sometimes.

I'm open to the message that if I want to address my defects a lot of willingness and a lot of humility is going to be required.  My defects and I have a long relationship and they're not eager to go anywhere.  I'm comfortable with my defects, apparently.