The Power of Baling Wire, Duck Tape, and The Occasional Klaxon

Baling wire:  Otherwise known as bale wire, farm wire, or soft wire, is a type of wire used in agriculture and industry for everything from mending fences to manually binding rectangular bales of hay, straw, or cut grass.  It is also used to band together corrugated cardboard, paper, textiles, aluminum, and other materials that are processed in the recycling industry.

I'm not sure why I added this definition but I'm glad I did.  My favorite word lately has been "klaxon" but I couldn't figure out how to get it in the post.  I will say that "duct tape" is an excellent concept as well although none of the three are at all germane to recovery.

I keep a journal.  I always have a small notebook of some kind in my possession that I fill with notes and reminders, blog posts scribbled in long hand at some coffee shop, To Do lists, all kinds of stuff.  There is a long row of these journals, organized by dates, in a piece of furniture in my office.  There are all styles and sizes of notebook which only adds to their allure, I think - big ones, short ones, notebooks with hard covers, some held together with duct tape and baling wire.  These books are actually one of the items I considered as worthy of being saved in The Fire, more so than photographs or mementos or knickknacks collected on my travels.

I've been asked to "share my story" in a couple of weeks - giving a Lead in front of a group.  "What it was like, what happened, and where I am now" in Program parlance.  I have been to leads in the past but I don't go to them anymore, haven't for a long time.  The thought of sitting in one spot to listen to one person talk about themselves for an hour sends cold shivers down my spine.  One of the basic truths that runs my life is this: You are not nearly as interesting to other people as you are to yourself.  This is why most memoirs suck - no one cares what you're thinking or what you did.  This is why I'm slogging away on an anonymous blog instead of cashing royalty checks from my world-famous memoir of my own life.

Because I had such a traumatic year I decided that I would re-read the journals I filled over that period.  There were a number of consistent themes; there were a few that surfaced and held ascendant for a while - sometimes for long periods and sometimes for much shorter periods - before disappearing; and there was junk in there that has been part of my mantra for a long, long time.

I think this has helped me organize my thoughts for The Lead.  This preparing in a general way what I'm going to say may or may not be a good thing.  Here is what I deemed noteworthy enough to put into my newest journal as sort of a greatest hits recap . . . .

My attempts to moderate sugar and coffee are not impressive.

Balance - I'm getting older but I'm not old.

My body is not going to respond the way it used to.  This is an inevitable fact of aging.  So I'm not going to be able to rampage physically through the world the way I used to.

I just want to be at peace.  Up the pain threshold.  I've had so little pain in my life.

Be grateful for my difficulties.  This is how I learn.  This is the only way I learn.

Perspective:  Maybe the lesson is that I've had a pretty good life.  Maybe mom and dad and Ken are trying to tell me to be more grateful.  Maybe the lesson is that simple.

I do believe that most of the troubles I've had over the past year have been about loss of youth and loss of function, the negative attitude that I'm now on the down-slope of a long, slow decline.  At least I hope it's going to be long.  This is inevitable but it shouldn't be catastrophic.  After all death is coming for all of us.

Talk about worrying over things that are out of my control.

I clearly cannot moderate my coffee consumption.  I used to be able to but that time is past.  Sugar, too.