Fire and Chaos

Chaos:  (Ed Note: I know this is going to be a great definition before I even look it up).  Any state of disorder, any confused or amorphous mixture or conglomeration.

(Ed Note: even the math definition is outstanding).  Behavior of iterative non-linear systems in which arbitrary small variations in initial conditions become magnified over time.  (Ed Note: think on this for a minute.  It's a small variation on the theme that a small step off the path repeated continuously leads one far into the sticker bushes).

I guess I've been in a position lately to see some things in other people that I need to inspect more closely in myself.  I know the exercise: if someone is bugging me my first task is to go look in the mirror.  Boy, can I see my defects, larger than life and in technicolor, on display in other people.  All of those things that I can easily brush off when they're pointed out to me sending me into a rage when I'm see them in someone else.  I believe a ancient text says something along the lines of take the log out of your own eye before pointing out the speck in the eye of someone else

Anyway, I've been stuck on this idea that my behavior gives me a reward.  Often the reward is okay and makes sense - the avoidance of discomfort and the acquisition of pleasure.  Fair enough - this doesn't make me a bad guy and seems to me to be pretty human.  I am increasingly aware - uncomfortably so - that sometimes my behavior feeds darker impulses or, at least, more destructive, less constructive impulses.  This is why we see a lot of alcoholics, used to chaos, come into The Program and continue to make really not so great decisions.  In relationships, with their kids and families, in their work life and with the public in general.  We know chaos.  We're vaguely aware that chaos is not the way to go but we go that way anyhow.  We know chaos.  We don't know serenity.  Serenity is weird and uncomfortable and, well, boring.

As an example, 30 years into this, which would suggest some experience in trying to avoid discomfort and acquire pleasure, in a general way, one would think that I would make decisions that would spare me excess anxiety, an emotion that I am  prone to experience.  Yet, I found myself paging through a few brochures advertising trips to Mongolia this morning.  In my Quiet Time.  I'm guessing this would be something that would make a lot of people uneasy but page through I did.

I got that fire inside me.  Usually I warm my house, heat up some water for a shower, cook my food.  Sometimes I burn the fucking house down.