Seaweed: Quitter

What exactly is the anxiety doing for me?  What is it preparing me for or protecting me against?

YOU are the show.  Love yourself with all of your defects and craziness.  Embrace the insanity.

I am definitely not turning anything over.  I am definitely trying to shape things to my liking.

I am afraid of decline.  I am afraid that my back is going to feel this way forever - Forever! - and that is not what I want.  I would like to feel splendid physically and relaxed emotionally.

I feel good!

Quit:  To stop; give up.

I believe this is the worst experience I've ever had as a sober person.  I don't know that I've ever felt worse than I do now.  The anxiety is unbelievable.  My back is unbelievable.  At this point I don't know whether my anxiety is making my back feel worse or my back is stoking my anxiety.  It is a venomous feedback loop.

I feel great!!

Anyway, I have to believe that I'll get through this.  I need to take the Long View.   It isn't forever.  I'm going to give myself until the end of the year - four and a half months - to slog through this crap, all of this crap, whatever this crap is.  My life is a bad movie right now.  I should just tell myself that the movie is four months long.

I have always felt a little sheepish when I'm talking to someone in recovery who is going through something painful and all I can think of to say is: "It's going to be OK."  That's all I got.  I don't got anything else but that fairly obvious platitude.

I feel a bit like a quitter right now.  Where's the fight?  Where's the fucking fight?