Notes From The Underground

The irritating thing right now is that other than my fucking goddam back my life is awfully smooth.

My back does not seem to be headed in the right direction - tight and sore.  I'm right in the middle of a substantial panic attack which is no doubt making things worse.  And it's not that much of a debilitating injury, either, falling more in the annoyance category.  But I'm famously susceptible to physical discomfort which begs the question: Why did I think I could sit in the jungle, in the dark, for 8 hours all by myself?

I cannot run away from this one.  This one is in my body, right here.  I'm always struck by the reminder that I need to be at one with whatever I'm feeling.  Trying to change things or make them go away ends badly for me.  That, as I understand it, is the basic concept of meditation: being at one with myself, in the minute.

I need to figure out the lesson here.  Maybe there is no lesson.  Maybe the lesson is "I'm in charge and you're not."  Maybe the lesson is that some pain is inevitable.  I've been remarkably healthy over the course of my life.  Maybe it's my time.

I would be wise to take ten days off the exercising.  Not sure if I should be moving around or sitting still.

I'm still trying to change things.  I'm still trying to bend circumstances to my will.  I'm still taking action - doing something, anything - to try to get what I want.  

Maybe the lesson is that I need to figure out how to live my life without the constant presence of physical exercise.

I am definitely channeling my inner mama when it comes to health and mortality.  She is a big instigator of the scourge of worrying about these things.  I got a ton of good from her but as is to be expected I also picked up a few traits I'd rather not have.

"There is almost no work in life so hard as waiting.  And yet God wants me to wait.  All motion is more easy (sic) than calm waiting, and yet I must wait until God shows me His will.  So many people have marred their work and hindered the growth of their spiritual lives by too much activity.  If I wait patiently, preparing myself always, I will be some day at the place where I would be.  And much toil and activity could not have accomplished the journey so soon."

The Daily Reflections