Damn Steps, Anyway

Principles: Fundamental assumptions.

SuperK pointed out one of my many shortcomings yesterday, and it's a particularly glaring shortcoming.  As a general rule I keep my mouth clamped shut during these episodes, rare as they are.  A good rule of thumb for me is this: "If someone thinks that you're a fool, open your mouth and remove all doubt."  As another general rule I find that when someone that knows me well and loves me a lot and has my best interests at heart finds something in me lacking that there's usually an element of truth in it, often a big, honking element.  But because I don't like to be criticized and I don't like it when someone ferrets out one of my shortcomings I tend to want to react, and the problem with that is I overreact.  Thus: speaketh not until one has digested the message.

I was asked to lead my 7AM meeting today.  Ain't it amazing that we're asked to share an optimistic message of hope and redemption just when we need to think of things in a hopeful and redemptive fashion?  My early days of sobriety were spent in a city that offered Step meetings, an occasional Big Book meeting, and not one goddam discussion meeting.  I'll tell you what - it made me figure out how to interpret the dreadful minutiae of my sorry existence in a new light.  Nothing like having a self-centered money, sex, and/or power crisis and showing up some place where people are talking about The Steps.

When I lead a meeting I almost always pull out one of our two main texts.  I read from the 8th Step - the section where it talks about my tendency, when confronted on bad behavior, to try to turn the tables around and point out the bad behavior, real or imagined, of my confronter or, just as slimy, to protest that I haven't behaved badly at all, despite shiploads of evidence to the contrary.

Then I read from the 10th Step - the part where it . . . well, here it is: "Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint.  This carries a top priority rating.  (Ed. Note: our founder has a tendency to say the same thing over and over because that's the only way to get anything through our thick skulls.  To wit: the first objective by definition carries a top priority rating - that's why it's first.  It would be 10th if it wasn't a top priority).  When we speak or act hastily or rashly, the ability to be fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot.  Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen.  We must avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious power-driven argument.  The same goes for sulking or silent scorn."

I'll tell you what again - having to work these Steps and practice these Principles can be one huge pain in the ass.

This isn't a huge conflict and it isn't an especially novel one so we'll get through it fine.  Te lesson I've learned is to stay low and tread lightly until the irritation I feel has ebbed and waned somewhat.  I'm an idiot most of the time but I'm an absolute psycho when I'm pissed.