Musings

I try to practice the ABLs of recovery – Always Be Learning.  Just when I think I have it all figured out I discover that I have almost nothing figured out.  In fact, I’m totally in the dark.  There are no lights anywhere.  There are no matches.  There are not two sticks to rub together to get the dimmest, most ineffectual light.  You know the part where god said: “Let there be light.”  I’m in darkness roughly equivalent to the darkness right before that light came on.

 I’m in an airport halfway home and I’m damned glad to be there.  My trip, in my opinion, was effective and consequential but not very pleasant.  I couldn’t get passed some of the dynamics of old family relationships that trigger some pretty crappy behaviors.  Actually, I think my outside behavior was OK – it was what was going on inside my head that was so disturbing.  Think: Genghis Kahn and his Mongol Horde with automatic weapons.  If one could be arrested for what one thinks one Seaweed would be in a deep, dank dungeon somewhere far, far away.

I’m glad I made the trip.  I got to see a bunch of dear, dear friends that I miss a lot.  I spent some time with my family and I think it was something that needed to be done.  My parents have deteriorated significantly in my absence and the next 6 months could – should – see some big changes.  I wouldn’t know how to be a steward of these changes without being there for 10 days.  My sister, who is doing the lion’s share of the caretaking, probably doesn’t see the extent of the changes because they’ve happened so slowly over such a long period of time.

I found the whole thing upsetting, to be honest about it.  These family members love me and it’s hard to see the deterioration and it’s hard to feel so uncomfortable with my outlook on the relationships.  I’m  very much a guy who doesn’t often care what people think of me but what these people think is incredibly significant.  Stuff that I brush off with a laugh coming from almost anyone in the world sticks in my craw when it comes from my family.

I think my folks appreciated what we got accomplished.  I think my behavior was OK – it’s not like I’m known for my tolerance and calm demeanor and patient, sunny disposition.  Most people see it as a good visit if I don’t throw a TV out of an open window.  I realize – even before the trip – that I have plenty of work to do on my spiritual insides.  I know that there are always going to be people, places, and things that I’m going to have trouble with.  I’m a human being, after all – trapped in the material form of a god on earth, of course – so I can expect continuing problems with money, power, and sex.

 It’s the nature of the package.