I Could Have Been a Contenda!

Regret:  To feel sorry about (a thing that has happened), afterthink: to wish that a thing had not happened, that something else had happened instead.

"We will not regret the past or wish to shut the door on it."  This standout member of The Promises was essentially the topic at today's morning meeting, with our chairman tacking on the following addendum: ". . . although we may from time to time we may really slam the shit out of the door in spite of ourselves, wishes and wants notwithstanding."  

My tendency is to find problems.  I'm an alcoholic who loves to be miserable, apparently, given all of the time I spend trying to find things to be miserable about.  There are some popular destinations: the future is always good, imagining horrible outcomes to disastrous plans; resentments against people, places, and things is very popular, and deliciously satisfying; and cruising back into days of yore, regretting our actions, ruing our choices, bemoaning what coulda shoulda mighta been.  One little old lady said: "I coulda been a contenda!"

The past is, I think, an inevitable destination from time to time for the best of us.  I personally spent four and a half years pursuing a very specific eight year degree, although I was trying to get it done in six years, killing myself with summer school and ridiculously heavy class loads.  Then, I simply quit doing the work and I drank full time.   I didn't make a conscious decision to do this, I simply began to drink as much as I wanted whenever I wanted to.  I didn't let any stinking work requirements get in my way.

And, yes, they kicked me out.

From time to time I wonder: "What if?"  But I don't dwell there.  I'm in a good spot, living a great life.  I did what I had to do to get where I am now.  My life would have been different if I had finished this degree.  Would it have been better?  I don't know the answer to that.  It would have been different.  What is is what is.