Guy Talk

I received a catalogue today that was geared for the tastes of men, a category that I fit into obliquely and begrudgingly.  I never walk through the women's clothing section of department stores - I'm a little too close to trying on silk stockings and a dress.  This particular catalogue is full of stuff that makes you think: "Wow, that would be so cool to have" even though you realize that if you got that thing you'd say "What in god's name did I want this thing for?"

I didn't really see too much in there for a guy like me.  Tools and sports stuff and very expensive work things.  I have always wondered why someone would need a $200 pen - Bics seem to do the trick for me.  I'm often unsure of the location of my wallet and car keys; if I had a $200 pen the first thing I'd do is throw it down a storm sewer.  That way I'd know what happened to it.  This is more calming to me than reaching for my pen and having no idea where it is and then lying to SuperK about it and then forgetting what particular lie I told and having to come up with a whole series and network of contingency lies and back-up lies and supporting lies.

I like to lie.  I'm good at it.   I have an natural ability to lie and many, many years of practice doing it.  I'm pretty sure I could beat a lie-detector machine.  I would have been a good spook, drifting in and out of the shadows in the dangerous world of international espionage.  The only reason I don't lie today is that I hate making amends when I get caught lying.  I hate it when someone calls me a liar except when I've just told a lie, am currently lying, or preparing to lie sometime in the near future.

What the hell am I talking about here?