Shame Spiral

I'm still awfully good at looking on The Dark Side.  It's much easier to see what's wrong than what's right; a total load of crap for a guy like me who is drowning in blessings.  If blessings were water my body would have floated up on a beach a long time ago.

When I let my temper take charge last night it felt really, really good.  I mean it felt really good.  I spend a lot of time and energy keeping this ugly part of my personality chained in its dark cave.  This is a terrible waste of a really powerful force.  It's much more impressive when my anger is roaming the night, the dark, dark, stormy night.  

Let's say my anger is trapped inside a stainless steel boiler.  I can slowly work a complicated relief valve, a process that takes some time and effort, or I can let the pressure slowly build up until the whole contraption blows sky high.  I did not operate the relief valve last night.  It was impressive watching the thing blow up, sending red-hot pieces of shrapnel in every direction.  It's much easier than getting out my toolbox and going through my check list,  releasing the pressure slowly.  It was disturbingly reminiscent of pondering a beer or a bong hit not long after another fervent swearing-off, seeing the consequences, shrugging my shoulders, and giving in one more time.

Unfortunately, today I have to deal with the emotional hang-over.  I feel crappy so it must have been quite an explosion.  This is the problem with trying to live a spiritual life: I can't just let my behavior go wherever it wants to go.  I have to behave well or I have to pay the piper.  I can't simply do whatever I want and bury the pain under drugs and drink.

Willie calls it the "shame spiral."  Good term.  Act badly then wallow in remorse.  Takes a while to dig out of this stuff.