Like a Rhino On Meth

As I charge headlong directly into one of my major, major life fantasies that doesn't include anything that can be found in my nether regions - namely, living in a place where I'll be warm most of the time - I continually question my motives.  I feel guilty when good things happen to me or when I'm pursuing something I want.  Some of these feelings are justified - I don't have a great track record of selfless motives - but some of them are bullshit.  I'm selfish, not evil.  

The Book is full of great suggestions and observations about Willpower, the direct application of our Instincts.  The literature intimates that our instinctual desires for sex, money, and power are a tad out of whack, that we grab and grab for far more than is our right or due.  However, we're also not aware of any cases where the instinctual drives have been entirely eliminated.  So we're left with these things that we can't get rid of and that we need to survive but that we don't have the slightest idea how to use properly.

I'm not going to quote directly from the literature because all of the LSD I did in college has fried my short term memory pretty good - plus I'm too lazy to look up the passages - but there's some great stuff on the proper use of the willpower.  It suggests that we tend to bombard our problems with our willpower to try to get our own way, that we should try instead to align our willpower with the wishes of god.  One section says that we can do this to our heart's content because it is a proper use of the willpower.  We can employ our mental faculties to our heart's content when we're behaving in this way.

So I try to get into the middle place - not quaking with fear, afraid to try anything new, and not charging ahead like a rhino on meth, running headlong into immovable objects, finding that I'm not the unstoppable force that I thought I was.

Warm warm warm warm warm.