Getting What I Want

I had a lovely talk last night with my friend EMC.  He's one of the few guys I know who actively practices meditation.  Lots of us say we meditate but lots of people say they exercise regularly, too, or that they don't watch Desperate Housewives of Bergen County, NJ, or wherever they're from.  I meditate regularly - I suck at it but I give it a whirl.  Meditation is very pleasant when I'm getting what I want.  It's one thing to have pleasant thoughts whirling around in my head  and another altogether when the thoughts aren't so nice.  

I bounced my interest in moving again off EMC.  I've been pondering this and getting nothing but green lights.  The problem for me is that when I'm getting something that I think I want I'm a very spiritual man.  I'm a spiritual colossus.  I read the signs correctly and I'm impressed with my insight and calm, considered wisdom.  Then . . .  a roadblock and the inevitable rage and fear and frustration when I'm NOT GETTING MY WAY!

I'm old enough that health insurance companies aren't particularly interested in my business.  It doesn't seem to have anything to do with whether or not I'm healthy - more along the lines that they're suspicious that something terrible and costly is just about to happen.  It makes me nervous.  Do they know something that I don't know?  When I moved from The Old City to The New City I had some trouble getting coverage.  They came up with every piddling little excuse that they could find to deny my application.  As I was sailing at high speed through green light after green light in my research on moving yet again I decided to send a note to The New City insurance company.  They decided to send me a note back saying that they weren't licensed to provide care in Vacation City and that they would be happy to cancel my insurance effective one week from today, permitting me to go through the root canal-like procedure of trying to qualify for health insurance - again - with a company who is licensed in the state of Vacation City.

After several panicked emails and phone calls to clear up the matter, I got to sit down and meditate.  The thoughts swirling around in my mind were distinctly NOT pleasant.  I had to chuckle - I don't find it objectionable when my monkey mind is swinging from thought to thought when I'm happy, even though this isn't exactly what I'm trying to accomplish when I meditate.  But when the thoughts are murderous . . .   Still, the idea is to sit there with the thoughts, not judging them, not controlling them, not trying to force them to do anything.

Very unpleasant, which is either exactly the point or not the point at all.  I really don't know which is why I keep meditating.  Maybe some day I'll figure it out, but probably not.

Mind you - I'm not actually moving anywhere.  I'm considering it.  So all of the stuff pissing me off is theoretical and somewhere in the future, maybe.  I'm upset that I'm not getting something that I'm not even sure that I want.  I like to get things that I want and then find out later down the road that they weren't the best for me a lot more that getting a fork in the eye, only to discover that the experience led me to something better.