Infinite Capacity for Pain

Infinite:  Lacking limits or bounds; extending beyond measure or comprehension; endless; immeasurable; inexhaustible.

I believe that I had an enormous capacity for pain when I was drinking.  My capacity could be described as infinite.  Moreover, my capacity for pain is still not something to poo-poo although I am a lot better at minimizing it today.  It's not worth it anymore - I can't tolerate the discomfort anymore.

A drunk is staggering along the edge of a cliff.  He loses his balance and falls off but miraculously grabs a branch on the way down.  He begins to scream for help.

"Help, help!" he screams.

A booming voice answers: "I can help you, my child," says the booming voice.

The drunk yells back: "Thank god," he yells.  "Who's there?"

"This is god," the voice replies.  "I can save your life but first you have to let go of the branch."

The drunk hangs there a minute.  He's thinking.

"Is there anyone else there?" he yells.

That was me.  I wasn't going to give up anything.  "What is it, exactly, that you're hanging onto?" my sponsor asked me early on.  He asked me that after I had been sober for a while and it occasionally comes up today.  Apparently I'm not making very much progress.

I'm sorry to trot this one out again but it so resonates with me.

Sponsor again: "Here's your choice: you can go on blotting out your miserable existence to the best of your ability, suffering for as long as your body holds out, eventually ending up dead or in an institution, or you can accept a spiritual solution for your disease."

Drunk thinks.  We like to think.  We think that thinking is just as good as acting.

"Can I get back to you on that tomorrow?" he says.

That was me.  I couldn't give it up.  I knew it was killing me but I couldn't give it up.