The Coldening

Cold:  Of a temperature much lower than that of the human body; very chilly; frigid; lacking heat; having lost heat; of less heat than is required: as, Stevie Seaweed is cold.


Now that my tooth is almost fixed I have been able to concentrate on how much I hate cold weather.  I didn't for a minute think that I could get more than a minute of worry free time under my belt.  I have a fully functional, state of the art, latest model, 2013 Worry Scanner.  If I can't come up with anything to worry about I flick that bad mother on and see what's out there.  There's always something to obsess about in my large, well-stocked, constantly expanding worry list, and the Worry Scanner can find it.  I figure it would be a total waste to allow calm gratitude to fill any of my free time when there's so much excellent worrying to be done.  It never ceases to astound me how much time I can spend obsessing about something I don't like -- a bad tooth -- and so little time expressing gratitude for some small blessing received -- a bad tooth repaired.  


So I need to do some work on this.  I do need to do some work on this.  


I live someplace that's cold in the winter -- like most places in the world -- and if there is something I have less power over than the weather I'd like to know what it is.  Wait, no I don't really want to know; I'd just worry that to death, too.  This knowledge of my powerlessness has not stopped me from fighting the weather diligently and with great focus.  The cold has an unbelievable power to irritate the hell out of me.  


I find it wonderful therapy to do this kind of writing.  I keep my little notebook handy so that I can quickly write down the mostly ridiculous, inconsequential things that are upsetting me and, more importantly, the solutions to these problems, which I mostly ignore until the problem worsens significantly and I'm completely miserable.  I really do try to work on the solutions but the problems are so compelling for me.  I find that when I look at what my problems were just a few weeks ago, I can't believe how trivial they seem.  And problems from a few months ago?  I can scarcely remember that they existed, let alone were a source of angst.


My sponsor always reminds me that "This, too, shall pass."  I get this advice when times are good and when times are bad.  I always hear it from him.  It reminds me not to get too attached to the good feelings and not to get too discouraged about the bad ones.


Last summer here in The New City was quite honestly the most spectacular summer I had ever spent.  The weather was glorious, the area is beautiful, and the city vibrates with activity.  But because that experience is in the past I'm convinced it will never be repeated, and the cold that is seeping into my bones will be with me always.


Today I wrote under the heading of "Solutions" the comment "Take control of the weather."   I'm a little uneasy about them.