15 Items or Less

Less:   Not so much; to a smaller extent.
Fewer:   Not many; a smaller number.


I nearly had a bit of an incident in a supermarket check out lane today.  Supermarket check-out behavior runs a close second to swimming pool etiquette when it comes to Things That Shouldn't Annoy Me But Do.  I don't mean to suggest that they're the only thing on this list.  Oh, no, far from it.  This list is so long that it approaches infinity.  Brilliant mathematicians write theses that are published in arcane mathematical journals about the size of my list.  It's not hard to get on the list, either.  Almost everyone and everything qualifies.  I should place a sign in the rear window of my car that explains how one can get on the list should one be interested, as if I'm selling nutritional supplements or weird cosmetics: "Ask me how YOU can get on my Irritation List!"  Then I'd put SuperK's phone number there.  She'd be the one to give excellent and timely advice.


Anyway, I was in a bad mood.  I probably don't even need to state that as a fact.  It would probably make more sense to qualify my mood when it isn't lousy, foul, or under-performing.  I looked in my cart, which had approximately 20 items, and seriously pondered avoiding the long lines in the aisles generously marked "Any Size Order" and queuing up in the much shorter "Express" lines.  These lines, which are rarely occupied except for a bored teenage clerk,  have a sign that says "15 Items or Less."  I made the calculation that since 10 of my items were identical cups of yogurt that the check-out girl could add up all of the yogurts, swipe one cup, multiply it by 10, then just jet through the remaining items in the cart.  I figured that my 10 + 10X1 items actually came to 11 items, putting me safely under the limit of 20.


I do this a lot.  I don't think the rules apply to me because I'm a special, special guy.  I'm not that different than serious criminals when it comes to my ability to justify bad behavior. I paused a minute, when agitated, and took the advice I so liberally dispense to others about keeping one's mouth closed.  I could see the conversation play out if I dumped my illegally large order on the restricted conveyor.


"You know, this aisle if for 15 items or less," the check out girl would say, eyeing the guy behind me who would be fixing a malevolent eye on me, with a single carton of milk, well under the legal limit.


"You mean 15 items or fewer," I would say as I continued to unload all of my items.


She would look at me blankly, then point to the sign again: "It says 15 items or less."


"I don't know what that means," I'd said.  "Less refers to extent, not quantity.  You can be less intelligent than someone.  You can't be fewer intelligent.  It therefore stands to reason that you can't have less items.  You can have fewer items which the sign plainly does not prohibit."


Then someone would call security . . .