Compassion, Empathy, and Altruism

Compassion:  Emphasizing with someone who is suffering while feeling compelled to reduce the suffering.

While cynics may dismiss compassion as touchy-feely or irrational, scientists have started to map the biological basis of compassion, suggesting its deep evolutionary purpose.  This research has shown that when we feel compassion, our heart rate slows down, we secrete the “bonding hormone” oxytocin, and regions of the brain linked to empathy, caregiving, and feelings of plearsure light up, which often results in our wanting to approach and care for other people.                                Berkeley School of Medicine

Empathy is one thing, a good thing, but it doesn't have the oomph that compassion does.  When I'm empathetic I feel for the misfortune of others but when I'm compassionate I'm often moved to do something about it.  Altruism is more along the lines of helping someone without an emotional component.  Compassion is harder.  It means I have to combine my emotions with actions.

There are three integral factors in Buddhist meditation - morality, concentration, and wisdom.  Each one influences the other, so you cultivate the three of them together, not one at a time.  When you have the wisdom to truly understand a situation, compassion towards all the parties involved is automatic, and compassion means that you automatically restrain yourself from any thought, word, or deed that might harm yourself or others.  Thus your behavior is atutomatically moral.

This is a lifelong process, no doubt.  There are a few people in A.A. that I run into from time to time who invariably provoke feelings of dislike.  I've met people who are racist, sexist, homophobic, prone to violent imagery or words, paranoid about the intent of the government, and the like.  I have a hard time switching off my judgement gene.  I think they should change.  I think they're wrong and, even if they are, I'm not put on this earth to be the judge of anyone.  If I criticize them or talk about them behind their backs I'm not showing much compassion and I'm certainly not being spiritual.  The stories about Jeebus Christ that have really stuck with me are the ones where he defends and ministers to the weak, the Fallen, sinners and criminals.  I can't remember any Bible stories where he's talking up the rich and the powerful

One, Two, Three, There Goes My So-Bry-Ih-Tee

 I can remember three instances in my sobriety where I've knowingly taken alcohol into my mouth or body, or at least I think I did:

1.  Big swig of a glass of "water with ice" that my closet-alcoholic, secret-drinker father left on the back of the sink.  Pure vodka.  Spit that one out.

2. A couple of sips of an odd tasting "fruit drink" that we were given gratis at a restaurant in Buenos Aires.  I had confirmed with the waiter - in my shitty Spanish - that the drink was alcohol free.  "Totally alcohol free," he said confidently.  Pause a beat . . . wait for it . . . "just a little champagne."

3.  A mouthful of "rum" raisin ice cream that I bought in a little town in France.  The small store had chocolate, vanilla, and rum raisin, and I was sick of the chocolate so I bought what I assumed was a non-alcoholic ice cream that might have a faint taste of synthetic flavoring in it.  "Are you crazy?" SuperK asked when she saw the purchase.  I tried a mouthful and spit it out immediately.  I looked at the ingredients on the carton: 40% alcohol.  The ice cream wouldn't even freeze, sloshing around in a semi-gelid state.  Only in France can you buy 80 proof ice cream.  It reminded me of the vending machines in Japan that had cans of beer available.  I didn't even want the ice cream in our freezer so I tried to melt it with hot water in the sink.  Fumes of alcohol, clouds of it, were choking me as I tried to clear the drain that was clogged with raisins.  That was quite the scene.

Meditation and Why I Suck at It

 "My friend, take my hand and walk with me until you can walk alone."  Native American Proverb

I've been working assiduously on my meditation practice for a good 30 years.  I've been sober for 36 so clearly I wasn't working on meditation early on and I wasn't in any rush to get started, either, since six or so years passed before I got going.  Not in a rush to begin the healing.  Eager to hang onto my aberrant behavior for as long as I could.  Everything I've ever released has claw marks on it.  Anyway, as I've mentioned repeatedly, I kind of still suck at it.  I've shown tremendous improvement but I have a long, long way to go.

Here's the yogi again: "Vipassana meditation is a development of awareness.  Properly done, meditation is a very gentle and gradual process.  Take it slow and easy, and the development of your practice will occured very naturally.  Nothing should be forced.  Work gently and everything will be fine.  If voices and visions pop up, just notice them and let them go.  Don't get involved."

Don't get involved?  Don't get involved!?  Goddamn right I'm going to get involved.  It's me against the voices and visions and I mean to come out on top.  I'm going to control those bitches.

I was meditating on the beach yesterday.  I find the sound of the waves to be soothing.  I find the technique of paying attention to ambient noises to be a good meditation technique, especially if I'm in a place where the sounds come from the natural world.  It was high tide yesterday so all of the benches along the beach were wet, courtesy of waves hitting the shore with some force.  The one that was reasonably dry was in a congested area so when I sat to meditate there were a lot of distracting noises: music from a nearby hotel patio, customers congregating around a coffee stand, a couple of guys chatting loudly to make themselves heard over the waves.  My initial response to distractions to my meditation is to get pissed off which is the exact opposite of what I'm trying to accomplish.  But what I've learned to do is to look and listen mindfully and without judgment.  Don't try to silence the voices or control them, just listen to them.  They're just noises, not bad or good, just noises.

I had an okay meditation.

Snag The Zagnut

 Just when you think you've heard every joke ever told in Alcoholics Anonymous . . . 

An alcoholic is driving to work when he gets a flat tire.  He knows he has a jack and a spare tire in  the trunk and the ability to change a tire.  He knows he has a solution.  He pulls the car to the side of the road, safely out of the flow of traffic; gets out; opens the trunk; and takes out a case of beer . . . .. 

I've always liked this Buddhist interpretation of morality and how we can strive to be better.

First, we obey "The Rules" because we don't want to be punished if we get caught breaking the rules.  We don't shoplift because we don't want to go to jail for shoplifting.  Not because shoplifting is wrong or that we don't enjoy shoplifting or that we aren't good at it.

Secondly, we begin to obey "The Rules" even in the absence of a punishing force.  When we know we can shoplift a Zagnut bar and not get caught we still don't snag the Zag because it's the right thing to do.

Finally, we begin to live a life based on mindfulness, wisdom, and compassion.  We know what good living is, right living.  We've internalized it.  We've dug ourselves out of our own personal viewpoint.  We can see beyond our own wants and desires.  We don't think about shoplifting, even if we know that no one has ever bought a Zagnut bar, ever.  Just because that Zagnut has been in that store since Christ walked on the face of the earth we don't snag it.

The Internet Is NEVER Wrong

When I was a kid there was a subset of us humans who thought that the moon landing was faked and that there were aliens being housed in a quonset hut in the Arizona desert and that Communists had successfully asserted control in all areas of the U.S. government . . . and then there were the rest of us, the overwhelming majority of us, who lived in a world of verifiable facts.  I'm not suggesting that people who hold unpopular opinions are always wrong but rather that people seem to have gotten really lazy intellectually.  If I believe something unpopular I can pop onto the internet and find sources that confirm what I already believe.  But that doesn't mean that what I believe is actually true.  I think it's irresponsible to limit my curiosity to sites or people who believe what I already believe.  That's called Confirmation Bias and is roughly what I did when I sat in bars with other alcoholics and we all agreed that we were getting screwed and that everyone was against us and that nothing was our fault.  One of the great gifts of my recovery is having to listen to someone else explain why the results of my life were not often attributable to outside factors and were, in fact, the result of my own baleful behavior.  I didn't like to hear this stuff so Drinking Seaweed made sure that disagreeable people and their disagreable opinions were kept at arm's bay.  The fact that I couldn't hear what they were saying didn't make it any less true.  I'd use the metaphor of an ostrich sticking its head into the sand to avoid problems except that ostrich's aren't stupid and they don't stick their heads in the sand to avoid problems.  Adult ostriches weigh 300 pounds so they can kick the shit out of a lot of other animals.  Plus, there's the sharp beak and massive claws and the high-velocity running to contend with.

One  of the most important lessons I learned in my grinding high school was not to trust information that was filtered through someone else, to always go back to source materials and figure shit out on my own.  I think that's so ingrained in me that I forgot it was ingrained in me.  Another of the psychological biases that always startles me is the one where an individual who holds an opposing view against an overwhelming majority will almost always capitulate and go with the majority opinion.  I think how often I find myself swimming against the tide, especially in A.A. matters.  I am not lying when I say that I've been in the majority opinion only rarely when there are group consciences about internal matters in my regular meetings. 

 Eh, maybe I'm just stupid or willfully stubborn.  That's very possible.

Slow Down A Little? Why?

 Sometimes old memories come swooping in from strange places . . . 

When I was in Chicago I often rode my bike on a repurposed rail line.  I rode West - into the famous Chicago wind for an hour - and then I turned around and came home, the wind at my back.  Every now and then the wind would be particularly fearsome and I'd have a miserable time for the westward bound leg of the trip.  I mentioned to the counselor I was seeing - who had inquired after my well-being - that I was exhausted because of the effort I had to expend trying to make sure that the trip out was an hour.  It was an hour most days so it was going to be an hour every fucking time I was on the trail.  That was my flawed thinking.

"What are you training for?" she asked.  A reasonable question that totally confused me.

"Training for?  I'm not training for anything."

"Well, why don't you slow down a little?" she suggested.

I really had never thought of that.  I was on a two hour bike ride which normally took two hours.  I made no exception for a stiff wind.  The next time the wind was howling I backed off my pace a bit.  It took me a whole ten or fifteen minutes longer to complete my circuit and it was a lot more enjoyable.  Huh.  I honestly had never considered it.  I would have chalked it up to weakness or laziness or some other kind of moral failure to slow down.

I have two speeds - maximum velocity or the car's in the garage with the engine off.  If I can't go really, really fast I'm not interested in going anywhere.

You Have To Do It

"Meditation deals with levels of consciousness which lie deeper than symbolic thought.  There are deeper ways to understand things than by the use of words.  You understand how to walk.  You probably can't describe the exact order in which your never fibers and your muscles contract during that process.  But you can do it.  Meditation needs to be understood that same way, by doing it.  It is not something that you can learn in abstract terms.  It is not something to be talked about.  It is something to be experienced."                 Venerable Henepola Gunaratana

During my Quiet Time today I was thinking about the guy who I don't like who keeps glomming onto me for my beach walks and fucking everything up.  It's not even that I don't like him - it's that I don't find him very interesting.  He is a typical extrovert - way too excited about things that don't seem to warrant much excitement.  He likes to stop and explain something that he finds fascinating but holds no interest for me.  He likes to stop and point things out that I don't find interesting.  Again, I'm not saying they're not interesting but just that they're not interesting to me.  And it's alllllllllll about me.

If I was a touch braver I'd tell him: "Look.  These walks are my exercise time.  I don't want to stop and look at stuff or chat.  And I'm obsessed with music so it'a great time for me to explore new music or to call friends who live back East.  Sometimes I just walk and count in my breaths in a walking meditation."  What's wrong with that?  Well, for one thing I'm pretty sure he knows that he's not my cup of tea.  And being an extrovert he doesn't spend any time wondering why this is so or - better yet - why he feels compelled to spend any time with me at all.  It's not unusual for me to talk to someone and think: "This dude is not even remotely interested in the things that interest me."  Fair enough.  Walk away.  Quit banging your head against the wall.  My hesitation is in part because he would take this information as a personal criticism when the fact of the matter is there are very few people I'd want joining me on my daily walks.

The things I have to think about . . .  As you can see I'm not exactly top shelf when it comes to meditating quietly.

Those Kooky Sri Lankan Monastics . . .

Arrogant:  Having or revealing an exaggerated sense of one's own importance or abilities.

Antagonistic:  A person who is actively hostile or opposes something; an adversary.

"Faith and morality is knowing that something is true because you have seen it work, because you have observed that very thing within yourself.  In the same way, morality is not a ritualistic obedience to some exterior, imposed code of behavior.  It is rather a healthy habit pattern which you have consciously and voluntarily chosen to impress upon yourself because you recognize its superiority to your present behavior. 

The purpose of meditation is personal transformation.  It changes your character by a process of sensitization, by making you deeply aware of your own thoughts, words, and deeds.  Your arrogance evaporates and your antagonism dries up.  Your mind becomes still and calm.  And your  life smoothes out.  Thus meditation properly performed prepares you to meet the ups and downs of existence.  It reduces your tension, your fear, and your worry.  Restlessness recedes, and passion moderates.  Things begin to fall into place and your life becomes a glide instead of a struggle.  All of this happens through understanding.

Meditation sharpens your concentration and your thinking power.  Then, piece by piece, your own subconscious motives and mechanics become clear to you.  Your intuition sharpens.  The precision of your thought increases and gradually you come to a direct knowledge of things as they really are, without prejudice and without illusion.

These are just promises on paper.  Learn to do it right, and do it.  See for yourself."

Venerable Henepola Gunaratana - Sri Lankan Monastic  

Normally when I find something as profound as this I copy it word for word and then pretend like it's mine, but this is so obviously above my pay grade and intellectual capabilities that I can't be bothered to make the effort this morning.  Eh, who am I kidding?  Everyone knows most of what I post are lies and fabrications so why would some harmless plagiarism be a big deal?  This is good stuff, though, good stuff to answer the question: "Why should I meditate?" or "Why should I keep meditating when I continue to suck at it?"

Work?!

 I steadfastly maintain that the emphasis on self-examination is one of the most important lessons I've learned in Alcoholics Anonymous.  It's always about me and it's never about you and it makes no difference if you've actually behaved badly or not.  My job is to look inside and heal myself, to generate massive loads of compassion for others while minimizing my own good qualities, as elusive and miniscule as they are.  Meditation is a great enabler for me in this pursuit of compassion.  It makes me more ready to forgive and forget.  I feel love toward others because I understand them.  And I understand them because I have begun to understand myself.  I have tried to look deeply inside and see self-illusion and my own human  failings.  I have seen my own humanity and learned to forgive and to love.  Without some compassion for myself I don't have much compassion for others.

One of my go-to bits of wisdom for new people is to inquire how much time they're willing to put into their recovery.  I would walk over hot coals to get at some alcohol while balking at going out to a meeting if it's sprinkling or below freezing.  While this number is hard to quantify the point is that the time I've spent on my recovery is a drop in the bucket compared to the time I spent drinking, preparing to drink, recovering from drinking, along with all the time spent cleaning up messes with cops, courts, doctors, employers, etc.  It's nothing.  I tell people this because it's one of the things I need to hear myself.  If someone balks at the work they may not be ready to get sober because - let's face it - there's work involved.

Perspective

Perspective:  A way of regarding situations, facts, etc., and judging their relative importance; the ability to think about situations and problems in a reasonable way without making them seem worse or more important than they really are.

For me, perfect happiness would mean getting everything I wanted, being in control of everything, playing Caesar, making the whole world dance a jig according to my every whim.  Then I look at people in history who have actually held this type of power.  These were not happy people.  Most assuredly they were not people at peace with themselves.  Why?  Because they were driven to control the world totally and absolutely and they could not.

They could not.

I meditate because I want to be able to control my own mind - at least to some little degree - and not the other way around.  My mind has been in control.  It likes being in control.  It likes calling the shots.  That's the function of the mind: to think and run the show.  That's normal and natural and may work for people who don't have a mind that runs amuck, that makes poor decisions, over and over and over again.  I want to recognize my desires but not be controlled by them.  It's okay to want something but the goal is not to be compelled to chase the desire.  It's okay to turn away from painful things but the goal is not to stand frozen in fear, quaking in my boots, unable or unwilling to take good, healthy action.  I believe that I can live a normal life but with a totally different viewpoint.  

Hold up a pencil, close your right eye, and line the pencil up with a tree in the background.  Then close that eye and open your left - suddenly the pencil leaps to the left of the tree, far out of alignment.  Same pencil, same tree, different perspective.  This is what I want: to own a pencil and to have eyesight in both eyes.  That's it!  Fuck the tree!  Who cares about the tree?  You can have the tree.  You can cut the fucking tree down for all I care as long as I can see and have a few pencils.

The Brown Polo and the Blue Hoodie

"But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave.  We found that it is fatal.  For when we harbor such feelings we cut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit.  We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of which we have not even dreamed."  Big Book of A.A.

Our leader this morning asked us to share on our interpretation of the phrase "the sunlight of the Spirit."  First of all, I believe that whenever a word is capitalized in our original literature it's a stand-in for God so in this case that the Spirit is beaming out some sunlight.  Which is pretty cool.  Theoretical physicists speculate that the fourth dimension is the mathematical extension of the concept of three dimensional space; either that or the fourth dimension is time.  Which is an arbitrary concept in and of itself.  In math, time can be defined as an ongoing and continuous sequence of events that occur in succession, from past through the present, and to the future.  Time is used to quantify, measure, and or compare the duration of events or the intervals between them, and even, sequence of events.

Okay, I'm a little off the recovery path here.  My share this morning probably sucked.  People probably didn't want to hear me drone on about my conception of theoretical physics.

This is how arbitrary time is: it has not been that long that time has been standardized in American life.  Each town and municipality used to have their own time.  If you said it was noon, it was noon.  It didn't have to agree with the next town over.  You could leave your house at seven, walk for three hours, and end up someplace an hour before you left.  Pretty cool.

A woman came back to the meeting after drinking again.  She had a glass of champagne on New Year's Eve and then "a couple" of mimosas the next morning.  I felt a general sense of dubiousness when she said "a" glass of champagne and "a couple" of mimosas.  Math and honesty aren't the hallmarks of a typical relapsing alcoholic.  She then said this: "I asked my sponsor if I had to change my sobriety date."  We are nothing if not astonishing.  I was left wondering what she thought she had to do to relapse.  Whew.

But then there's this: I walked on the cold beach this morning with a long sleeved polo shirt under a thick hoodie.  Halfway through the walk I got hot so I removed the hoodie, took off the polo, and then put the hoodie back on.  Perfect.  I stopped for coffee - I was out of the sun - so I put the polo and the hoodie back on for maximum warmth.  I read the paper.  I got up, collected my things, went back into the restaurant to donate the paper, went to an off-site bathroom, then walked back to my car before realizing that I had left the brown polo somewhere.  I retraced my steps and was amused/astounded/flummoxed that some asshole had picked up my polo and taken off with it.  I paused for a moment to lift up the hoodie, revealing the polo underneath . . . still on my body.  So I'm not going to spend much time criticizing some lying relapser.  I'm glad I got home in one piece and fully alive.

The Good, The Bad, and The Boring

One of the main reasons I'm attracted to the Buddhist way of thinking and acting is that it seems so attainable to the common man.  And there's no God, per se, no one telling you what to do and what not to do and if you don't do it or you do it, depending on the rule for that particular behavior, you're going to get a lot of really good stuff or look out for the Lake of Fire and this is an everlasting Lake of Fire - I don't think anyone would be excited about a brief dip in the Lake of Fire let alone burning there forever and ever and ever.  And I'm not sure that there are very many experts in Buddhism.  There isn't this pastoral class that has to learn everything found in the texts of dubious provenance and then tell you when you're following the rules or you aren't following the rules.  I mean .  .  . c'mon . . . does anyone really believe that books that are two or three thousand years old, that have been passed along orally or transcribed by the few people who could read and write and undoubtedly had agendas of their own from time to time and even if they didn't it seems plausible they'd make a mistake from time to time and who would know because no one else could read or write that these books are word for word from the books that were found in burning bushes or given to pilgrims living on locusts in the desert?

Here's this:  "No matter how hard you pursue pleasure and success, there are times when you fail.  No matter how fast you flee, there are times when pain catches up with you.  And in between those times, life is so boring you could scream.  We have built walls all around ourselves and are trapped in the prison of our own likes and dislikes.  We suffer.  Suffering is a big word in Buddhist thought.  'The essence of life is suffering,' said the Buddha.  Take any moment when you feel really fulfilled and examine it closely.  Down under the joy, you will find that subtle, all-pervasive undercurrent of tension, that no matter how great this moment is, it is going to end.  No matter how much you just gained, you are either going to lose some of it or spend the rest of your days  guarding what you have got and scheming how to get more."

People have a tendency to divide their experiences into three categories: Good, Bad, and Boring.  We chase the Good, we run from the Bad, and we tolerate - barely - the Boring.  There's not much there that sounds good to me.  Bleak is the word that comes to mind.

But wait . . . "There's a completely different way to look at the universe.  It is a level of functioning where the mind does not try to freeze time, where we do not grasp onto our experience as it flows by, where we do not try to block things out and ignore them.  It is a level of experience beyond good and bad, beyond pleasure and pain.  It is a lovely way to perceive the world, and it is a learnable skill.  It is not easy, but it can be learned."

Just a Little More

Some ramblings from a book on Mindfulness by Venerable Henepola Gunaratana and the great thing about a name like that is that I don't care if I misspell it because . . . c'mon . . . who's gonna know? 

"Because of the simple fact that you are human, you  find yourself heir to an inherent unsatisfactoriness in life which simply will not go away.  You have a vague awareness that something is wrong.  But there is really a whole realm of depth and sensitivity in life, somehow, you are just not seeing it.  You wind up feeling cut off.  The world looks like the usual foul place, which is boring at best.  This impulse at discontent is a monster inside all of us, and it has many arms: chronic tension, lack of genuine compassion for others, including the people closest to you, feelings being blocked up, and emotional deadness.  It is a constant undercurrent in every thought and every perception; a little wordless voice that keeps saying, 'Not good enough yet.  Got to have more.  Got to make it better.  Got to be better.'  Watch the news.  Listen to the lyrics in popular songs.  You find the same theme repeated over and over in variations.  Jealousy, suffering, discontent, and stress.  We are stuck in the 'if only' syndrome."

I do need these reminders that what I got is enough and by "enough" I mean a shit-ton more than I deserve or need or that most other people have.  I'm drowning in stuff and friends and family and blessings and experiences and yet I think: "More, please."

I return over and over to the possibly apocryphal quote attributed to J.P. Morgan at a time when he was the wealthiest man in the world.  He was asked how much was enough.  "A little bit more," he was reputed to have said.  When we moved from OH to CA we had to downsize.  We got rid of a lot of shit and I mean a lot of shit and we still moved way too much stuff, most of it then ejected in our new home.  It was exhausting dealing with all of that stuff.  Much of it I didn't want and nobody else I knew wanted it and we couldn't convince any strangers to give us even a few dollars for it and the fucking thrift stores probably threw away everything we gave them but it was still hard to loosen our grip on it.  Today it's still gone and I don't miss it.  I can honestly say that I can barely remember any times where I consciously missed a piece of stuff that I used to have.

Selfishness - Self-Centeredness!

 "Sponsorship is an important aspect of Alcoholics Anonymous - a reflection of the way A.A. was founded; with one alcoholic helping another.  In A.A. sponsor and sponsored meet as equals, just as our co-founders, Bill W. and Dr. Bob did."    A.A. pamphlet on sponsorship.

"Sometimes great distances exist between the high points of our lives.  Time moves swiftly and we tend to let it slip away without making it count while we wait on another high experience.  We discount it as nothing unless we have reached some spectacular height and have passed ten other people on the way.  The Indian does not consider himself idle when he stands still watching, listening, seeing the stars, or watching the sunset."  Iroquois Saying

"Don't fuck with SuperK's coffee."  A Great Truth of the Universe

I asked a new woman a few days ago how her holiday trip to Colorado went.  "It was great," she chirped brightly.  "How was your holiday?"  I had to laugh at our insistence on deflecting attention away from ourselves while resenting the fact that no one is paying attention to us.  Don't make a fuss for my birthday but why didn't you remember my birthday, you selfish asshole?  That kind of thinking.  I really struggled for the longest time with the idea that when people asked how I was doing they did it because they wanted to know how I was doing.  With me everything was a quid pro quo - I asked how you were doing because I wanted to talk about how I was doing and the best way to get that accomplished was to feign interest in you, get the how are you doing part over.

This woman's sponsor finally responded to her repeated assertion that everything was wonderful with this bon mot: "If you don't let me in I'm not going to be able to help you."

"Selfishness - self-centeredness!  That, we think, is the root of our troubles.  Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate.  So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making."  Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

When something in our minds rings a bell that warns us, we do well to listen.  Every one of us has a sounding board, an intuition that analyzes the way that we are moving.  It points the right way and we're fools if we don't listen.  To ignore the impressions that are inside us is like trying to go through a door but refusing to use the doorknob.  It's one thing to be dense and another altogether to willfully get lost in the wilderness.  I should listen to my alarm system now and again. 

It's Enough Already

Enough:  As much as is necessary.

I know I've looked this word up before.  The definition always seems kind of inadequate to me.  Maybe I don't understand what "necessary" means.  I do know that I'm a "it's never enough" kind of guy.  I don't know why I feel the need to graduate to "more" and to always be striving for "most."  I stick to my guns when I maintain that all of us "it's not enough" class of people make the world go around.  We get shit done.  We get shit done and feel terrible about our efforts because we could have done more.  Some of us seem to be wired that way.  It's wonderful and it's terrible.

An ongoing and eternal reflection, of course, is that the "enough" people have starved or frozen to death over the years or been eaten by my favorite human carnivore, the saber-toothed tiger.  "I have enough food here.  My cave is warm enough.  I'll wake up when I hear a tiger."

More:  A larger or extra number or amount.  (Ominously, there's this auxiliary interpretation: "When you want more of something you don't have enough."  There's that fucking word "enough" again.)

I have meditated for years.  I have done thousands and tens of thousands of hours worth of inventory and self-examination and reflection on my strengths and weaknesses, my sins and inadequacies.  I believe that a benefit of this is that I can often enjoy the state of "being."  My impulse is to "do," of course.  Do, do, do.  Get more done.  It's not enough.

I didn't go to a meeting this morning even though I often attend on Monday, a Big Book study meeting where I'm assured of a good topic that even the more irritating members can't screw up.  I don't know what I did in lieu of this time but I thoroughly enjoyed it.  I just hung out with my own mind and didn't do much of anything.  It was great.  As a Doer I tend to fill the minutes with Doing so I'm uneasy when I take some time and let my mind idle.  I'd rather accelerate and then keep moving at a high rate of speed.  I get places but it's hard to enjoy and there's the possibility of hitting something or running off the road.

An Irritating Dude (and it's not me!)

Yesterday I was ensared and tangled up with this dude from Alcoholics Anonymous who just gets on my nerves, Big Time and in a major way.  It's not that he's a bad guy but that I simply find him incredibly annoying, and I'm not even saying he is annoying but that I find him annoying.  He's one of those people who has no touch for the art of teasing.  His attempts come across as grating and inappropriate and they really bug the shit out of me.  It makes me consider my dry sense of humor and why I get away with it and he doesn't.  If you want to give someone good-natured shit then you'd better be able to do it in a way that oozes good will and kindness.  I'm quite careful to read the reaction I get when I do it and I rarely get a defensive response and when I do - or when I even think that I do - I immediately clear the air with the person involved.  I think I come across as sort of a goofy, harmless hipster dufus most of the time so offense is rarely taken.  I found myself yesterday reacting in a completely defensive manner when normally when someone is letting me have it I go ahead and contribute to the abuse.  If I take myself too seriously I'd better leave others alone.

Anyone, after a bunch of confusing instructions and attempts to meet up using delayed text messages he finally caught up with me outside his house, motioned for me to get in his car, which I declined quickly and with extreme prejudice.  I'm often reminded of the important advice given to me as I was getting started in recovery to never go to a party where drinking was involved withoutr escape route.  Off we go.  Inexplicably, he stops at a newly remodeled botique hotel in town, parking in the Valet Only Zone and waving off my concerns, then takes me inside to meet the woman working the front desk, greeting her like an old friend when she clearly wonders who this guy is and why he's bothering her.  I think my friend had a brief, spectacular success as a real estate agent during a boom period long ago and he imagines himself as a player yet today, always name-dropping and booster-izing the area.  I found it off-putting and so did this lovely woman, who was clearly taken aback when he tried to grab a cup of coffee from the urns reserved for guests.  I offered to pay for the coffee and I thought we were supposed to be going out for fucking coffee, for fuck's sake, so why were we stopping here and trying to get free coffee that was meant for the guests?  "The coffee's empty," he said.  "And the tea's cold."  Relentless.

Finally, we head downtown to a coffee shop, passing two other coffee shops on the way and foregoing the fucking coffee shop across the street from his house, for fuck's sake. On the short walk from the parking lot he talks on his cell phone.   He does not talk to me.  Inside, he orders a coffee and I order a roll.  "I know you're going to use a card," he says, handing me a dollar bill.  (Note to everyone - if you invite someone out for coffee pay for the fucking coffee.)  I give the bemused barista my Visa card for the $13 bill and he hands me two more singles.  I look at them.  I look at him.  I drop them in the tip jar.

I spend a lot of time with really great people in recovery and it's often quite enjoyable.  This isn't only because  of the recovery aspect, either, although that's important, but because I enjoy the friendships.  When I'm in a situation where I'm pondering why I'm hanging around someone irritating I often remind myself that we're complicated, damaged people trying to do better and that I have an obligation, a debt to repay, for the people who took the time to help me get sober when I was just as irritating and because it helps me become a more compassionate person by listening to people when I don't want to.  I cringe still today when I think about some of the things I said and some of the behavior I exhibited early in my recovery.  Hell, I'm an asshole about 40% of the time today so I can only imagine how obnoxious I was back then.  This man is a sensitive guy who's made a lot of progess in his recovery, IMO.  I just don't like him.  It's OK.  I don't have to like everybody.

Step 27: Don't give someone $3 when the bill is $13 before tip.  Never do this to someone you've invited to coffee.  It gives them the impression that the main goal is to get a free cup of coffee.  Especially when you've stopped in a hotel that you're not staying at and couldn't afford to stay at, anyway, and tried to take some of their coffee for free.

Just a very weird experience.  I believe I behaved pretty well.  I was agog inside but I believe my actions were good.  I'll tell you this - I'm backing away from this dude in the future as if he's the walking, talking bubonic plague.  Whew.

Jeebus Walks Into a Bar . . .

 I was mulling over the epithet "Jesus H. Christ" the other day when it dawned on me that I didn't know what the "H" stood for.  Harold?  Harlan?  Hank?  "This is my friend, Jesus Harlan Christ."  I mean the whole epithat is bullshit, frankly.  Jesus' last name isn't "Christ."  No one knows what his last name is.  Maybe they didn't know what his last name was.  Could have been Bookman.  Jeebus of Nazarene or Jeebus, Son of Joseph, both bandied about..

This led to an extended revery on whether or not famous religious figures or godheads had a sense of humor.  I can't imagine Allah telling a joke.  What if Jeebus had quipped, right after causing?  allowing?  making?  Lazarus rise from the dead something like this: "C'mon, Laz, what's with the ragged clothes?  Put on a tie or something.  I've got a crowd here and it's Sunday, for chrissake."  Or asking the guard who was proffering a sponge soaked with wine and vinegar as an analgesic for a dirty martini instead.  Now the Buddha I can see cracking wise from time to time but . . . Jeebus?  And even less likely, IMO, would be someone cracking Jeebus up.  "Stop, stop, I going to pee my robes," Jeebus is shouting.  If Jeebus had a sense of humor wouldn't there be a picture of him smiling?  ONE picture?  He always looks so serene and celestial and pensive.  The way I see it is that people don't like religion primarily because it is fucking unfunny.  Give me a smile, for god's sake!

Jeebus, the Dalai Lama, and Buddha walk into a bar. "How come it's THE Dalai Lama, THE Buddha, but I'm not THE Jesus . . . . "

In a parallel but not sequential universe do you think Super Man had super humor?  Flying, super strength, X-ray vision, but can't tell a good joke?  I never heard him say anything funny.

Scary Stories and Future Wreckage

Perspective:  To think about a situation or a problem in a wise and reasonable way; to compare something to other things so that it can be accurately and fairly judged.

Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

A little bit more in '24!

I ran across this aphorism yesterday, a reminder to me to stay in the moment: "Living in the wreckage of my future."  It seems to fit in well with my Jan 4 daily meditation reading from a  book of Native American bits and pieces of wisdom: "To the Cherokee, worry is the woodpecker, pecking away on the roof.  It is easy to understand that even new wood cannot bear such hammering without giving way.  Imagine what would happen to a roof which has already been through storms and many hot summers.  Worry did not crash in suddenly.  It entered our lives little by little, so that we did not notice.  Surely it will go away, but it takes its toll so gradually that we grow accustomed to it - thinking it is just a normal part of living."

What is it about conservatives and politics?  Everytime I run into someone I haven't seen for a while they immediately unload some thinly veiled and clearly conspiratorial opinion of the state of the world today.  And then laugh, as if it's a big joke.  Really?  How about a how ya doin'?  How's SuperK?  Nice day we're having.  Something like that.  It's not even about the political view - it's about a need to be confrontational right out of the chute.  When I see someone who has different political views than me I don't immediately launch a shot across their bow.  How about some meaningless chit-chat?  Anything that isn't argumentative.

I like this comment, too, when delivered to someone worrying about future events, making them seem real: "Are you telling yourself scary stories again?"

George, Homer, and the Dalai Lama

The Dalai Lama summing up his guide to spiritual growth:

"Our first hope is that we may overcome the problem, but, if not, at least the problem cannot disturb your inner mental peace.  That is good, is it not?  You are facing the situation and retaining your peace of mind - without taking drugs or trying to pull your thoughts away from it.  That is why we take such great interest in our weekends and vacations.  But this only means that you are trying to take your mind off your problem.  But the problem is still there.  However, if you have a good mental attitude, it is not necessary to divert yourself.  When you can face the situation and analyze the problem, then, like a big piece of ice in the water, it will gradually melt away."

Morality of Individual Liberation  

"Examine your motivation as often as you can.  At night examine what you did during the day.  Analyze your life closely.  Adopt a positive attitude in the face of difficulty.  Evaluate the possible negative and positive effects of feelings such as lust, anger, jealousy, and hatred.  Analyze more and more, and gradually your conviction will strengthen.

Be on guard for the suffering of change.  When a situation switches from pleasure to pain, reflect on the fact that the deeper nature of the original pleasure is revealing itself.  Attachment to such superficial pleasures will only bring more pain. (He uses often the example of eating - it's wonderful until/unless you overdo it, then it's awful.)  Realize that suffering can be removed, can be extinguished into the sphere of reality.  Reflect that this true cessation is attained through the practice of morality, concentrated meditation, and wisdom - the true paths."

More great truths . . . 

George Costanza: "Remember . . . it's not a lie . . . if you believe it."

Homer Simpson: (Muttering under his breath, incensed at the injustice of it all):  "I hate being called a liar . . . unless I'm currently lying . . . or I've just told a lie . . . or the next words out of my mouth are lies."

The Dalai Lama is great, sure, good stuff, but the vast majority of my life philosophy can be found in Seinfeld and The Simpsons.

Keep It Complicated, Redux

Irony:  The state of affairs that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects and is often amusing as a result.

The topic of today's meeting was Acceptance.  (Ed. Note: Acceptance is bullshit.  Fie on acceptance.)  The leader read the famous section where Doctor Paul opines that everything is exactly as it should be in God's world and herefore any upset that he's feeling means he's simply not accepting things that he should be accepting.  While I get the general intent of this chapter I don't quite buy into the concept whole-hog.  His intent, as I perceive it, is to remind us that we're really not in control of very much so it isn't a good use of our time to rage against things we can't control.  Again, which is everything.  Acceptance, in my pea brain, means I should keep my nose out of the business of other people, places, and things with exceptions for extraordinary  circumstances.  Obviously, if I see someone flogging a small child it isn't right to say: "Oh, well, everything is as it should be in God's good world."  I default to the Serenity Prayer which  reminds me that there are times when I need to do something.

The irony is this: a dude showed up this morning who has been drifting in and out for the ten years I've been here.  He's a smart guy but the cumulative effect of whatever drugs he's consuming in concert with his drinking has rendered him hopeless.  This dude is not . . . going . . . to . .  .  get sober.  There may have been a chance at one point but that point is in the rear view mirror and it's receding rapidly.  Today he was in the middle of some kind of episode: eyes rolling up into his sockets, neck flopping back and forth, laughing and greeting people way too loudly, the whole "constitutionally incapable" playbook.

When we were trying to get Keep It Complicated up and running after CoVid - no small feat where the survival of the meeting was not assured - there were five or six of us long-timers who came often and we did Herculean battle against a large contingent of homeless people, things getting so disruptive that we quit making coffee, the debacle finally culminating in a spectacular morning extravaganza where one of the coffee-drinkers lost control of his bowels and befouled a lot of inside real estate.  I hung in there.  I persevered.  I was a stand-up guy.  But no more - I watched this man today in the throes of his psychotic break with a morbid curiosity, totally distracted from the meeting, riveted by the spectacle, and then I simply got up and took a walk on the beach.  I wasn't mad or upset, I just didn't want to be there anymore.  His antics either didn't bother everyone else or they were able to ignore him - this is super-nice Southern California, after all.

Whew, we're not an easy lot to get along with sometimes.

New Year's Resolutions

"Among other things, anonymity in the  Fellowship means that we forgo personal prestige for any A.A. work we do to help alcoholics.  But it can be a real step forward in growth - a step into the humility that is, for some people, the spiritual essence of humility."  From the pamphlet on the A.A. group.  

The Primary Purpose of a meeting is to help alcoholics recover through A.A.'s suggested Twelve Steps of recovery.  We don't insist that they use our Program but we do suggest that it's the only thing we can talk about with any confidence and competence.  If some other method works for you then go get it.  Good for you.

Why are some people so eager to tell me something that lets me know what their political leanings are?  Don't tell me.  I don't want to know.  People that are living out on the ends of the political spectrum really seem to be driven to make some comment that lets me know why they're right and I'm wrong.  Leave me alone.  I don't walk around jamming my opinions down your throat.  I think it's particularly self-destructive to get all of your information from social media or from a couple of partisan websites that have a narrative that they want to push.  People are motivated by anger and fear - advertisers know this - so these sites are interested in making you angry or afraid because you'll come back to look at their advertising again and they're making money selling advertising, not by telling the truth.  Many of them aren't even slightly interested in providing a balance, nuanced view of what's going on in society.  The news divisions used to lose money for the networks because they were put into place to serve the public good.  It used to be the  law that media companies had to spend some resources on educating the public as a cost of access to the public airways.

My New Year's Resolution is to think more about myself.  I might try to get more people to think about me because I'm just one guy and I can't think about myself enough.