When I have a resentment towards a person, place, or thing I have a toolbox that I usually open up. I select a tool and work on the resentment. Most of the time I dig and dig until I get to the root cause which I dig up and toss onto the compost pile where it slowly decomposes into a slimy, humid mass. Usually, I'm happy to report, the root isn't too deep but sometimes I'm almost to China before I can get the whole thing out. Almost always I'm able to find out where I'm wrong and take responsibility for the defect or behavior which leaves the person, place, or thing that/who is pissing me off out of the equation altogether.
To quote someone near and dear to my heart: "Whenever I'm upset I go find a mirror."
But sometimes . . . sometimes . . . the resentment is undiggable and I'm left with the less attractive solution of letting time take some of the burn and sting out of the affront. When the anti-government types broke away from the Keep It Complicated meeting I was not happy about it. To make matters worse, I believe - without evidence - that someone who has a lot of money bought a warehouse and slapped a "church" label on it so they could reap a big tax write-off. The "church leaders" look like they belong on Cell Block B, IMO. It took me a long time to get to the point where I really don't give a shit about the meeting or the people attending it anymore. It - like almost everything - is none of my business. No one is asking my opinion. That being said I don't care to have much to do with the ringleaders and their sycophants. Occasionally I'll spy one of them here or there and I duck my head and hide or I keep walking, flashing a big smile and slapping a high five, but not stopping to talk. I don't feel bad about this. I've stated many times that I love everyone, I'll help anyone who needs help, but I don't like some people and there are a few who really piss me off. Fair enough, I believe. I'm not everyone's cup of tea. I recognize this and the fact actually gives me some twisted, perverse pleasure.
At the time one of the people who started attending this meeting was my sponsor. He's a good, kind man who does a ton of A.A. service work so I truly believe he felt it was important that new people have the opportunity to attend live meetings. I get it but I don't buy it. I think it's important for me to drive my Very Expensive Car 100 MPH on the freeway any time I want to and that everyone else should get the fuck out of my way. I explained that once to a State Trooper. He was skeptical of my reasoning.
I quit calling the guy. My sponsor, not the State Trooper. I was angry at the events and he was part of the situation. The relationship lapsed. Then, his chronically ill wife passed away so I gave him a call. He was understandably busy and - after a short conversation - told me he'd get back to me, which he never did. Recently he called me and we made some tentative plans to take a hike together. The more I thought about the more uneasy I became - I found myself in heated mental arguments with the ringleaders of the group again. It has taken me a long time to let all of that resentment blow away in the wind and it's more a case of time passing than me losing the resentment. I've just forgotten about it, gotten tired of the mental angst. Normally I overcome my resentments but there are some that I am unable or unwilling to overcome.
I almost feel like - this is an extreme example to make my point - that if someone who isn't a racist hangs around with racists it shows some tendencies or sympathies. So I canceled our hike date with what can generously be called a misdirection and more accurately a little white lie and brutally honest a lie. I will say that this is one of those cases where to tell the truth would be hurtful so I don't feel too bad about it. This guy is driving hard to the hoop, proposing other dates or activities. Now I'm in a Radio Silence mode. I can't be roused. I have not responded to inquires.
Go away. Leave me alone. :)
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