Alcoholics = Children

More from the good doctor . . . . 

 "I often ask people if they really think that lack of understanding on the child's (please substitute 'alcoholic') part is the problem.  Do they believe that one more lecture will prove persuasive?  Or does the problem reside in the coercive, repetitive, and critical nature of the relationship?  It is, of course, always easier to keep doing what we're used to, even if it's evidently not working for us.  The primary goal of parenting (please substitute 'sponsoring') is to convey to our children (please substitute 'fellows') a sense that it is possible to be happy in an uncertain world, to give them hope.  We do this, of course, by example more than by anything we say to them." 

I love this kind of stuff, this basic psychology stuff.  We're unusual in A.A. because our problems are solved - or obscured, obliterated - when we drink and use but it is quite clear that these personality problems, these aberrations, are not unique to alcoholics.  The good doctor is referring to interactions he has had with adult parents who are having behavioral problems with their children, except he's trying to get them to see that the problem is with them, and not with the children.

Boy, does this sound like our experience with drunks trying to get sober?  Do any of them ever do anything we say?  Do they start to do it if we keep saying the same thing over and over?  More and more loudly?  Using a threatening or hectoring or judgmental tone?  Not our job.  I always say that tell other alcoholics what I've done and encourage them to listen to lots of other voices explaining what they've done and then to go on ahead and do what they think is best.  I'm not in the business of running anyone else's life.  I'm barely in the business of running my own life.  Mostly, I'm trying to avoid getting run over by the consequences of my actions.