Dude Said

 I was talking to an old timer outside a meeting when I was new and struggling to stay sober.  I told him I was a partier, that I just liked to party.  "Dude, you weren't partying," he said.  "You were drinking."

Dude nailed it.

The story we read this morning from the Big Book concluded with the writer being reunited with his long-estranged family.  I like the happy endings.  The happy endings are more fun.  Our experience is that most of the wreckage we created when we were running and gunning can be repaired, and this is great news.  We don't have a tremendous success rate sobering up damaged alcoholics as it is so if we had to say to most of them at the start: "We know it's bad now but this is as good as it gets" our success rate would crater.

Resentment:  Bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly; a feeling of anger because you have been forced to accept something that you do not like; a feeling of anger or displeasure stemming from the belief that one has been wronged by others or betrayed.

I like the implication that we don't even have to be treated poorly or unfairly, only that we believe or perceive that we've been treated so.

Rictus Steve

Rictus:  An expression where someone shows their teeth in a smile, but looks strange or in pain rather than looking happy or relaxed.

This is how I know that there is no God or - if there is a God - he has a tremendous sense of humor: the meeting today was on Joy and Happiness again.  Two days in a row.  That would try anyone's patience . . . talking about being happy one day and then having to talk about it again the very next day.  I could possibly deal with it if there was a one day break in between but two days running?  It was a left hook followed by an uppercut.

Happy people make me nervous.  My favorite T-shirt reads: "Get Away From Me" and in case the shirt isn't arresting enough to make you look it's bright purple with bright red lettering.  I once saw a coffee cup that read: "Have A Nice Day Elsewhere."  I was seeing a counselor early in my sobriety - and I cannot speak highly enough of these mental health professionals because I was fucking nuts at that point - when she asked me if I was happy.   When I replied in the affirmative she mentioned that she had never seen me smile.  Taken aback, I went home and practiced in front of a mirror.  It was not a familiar look.  It was not natural in appearance.  The word rictus comes to mind.

Today I was called on to share, of course, further evidence that God has a twisted sense of humor.  When the topic of Gratitude comes up I usually start by remarking that nothing pisses me off more than having to talk about being grateful.  It still feels like an alien state of mind to me, something I'm not especially good at.  I still see the flaw more quickly than I see the attribute.  What's wrong and not what's right.

My comments are mostly tongue-in-cheek I'm happy and grateful to report.  But I do know that it isn't my default position.  I was brought up in a fearful household, I am wired in a fearful fashion, and I think that trying to anticipate problems is pretty much the human condition but . . . c'mon . . . after a while, after being showered with blessings . . . you'd think I'd be better at it.

This and That

Happy:  Having a feeling arising from a consciousness of well-being or of enjoyment; enjoying good of any kind, such as comfort, peace, or tranquility; blissful, contented. 

Content:  Satisfied; happiness in one's situation.

From The Daily Reflections: "Happiness is not the point."  This is the kind of shit that drove me to distraction when I was first attending meetings.  In my world of broken toys and deranged clowns happiness was the entire point.  The only two things worth achieving were getting what I wanted and avoiding what I did not.

From one of our members this morning: "I was always pursuing my mistaken idea of what I thought was going to make me happy."  How about I divorce myself from self-pity?

Willingly: Of one's own free will; freely and spontaneously.

From the musings of Bill W: "When pain comes we're expected to learn from it willingly."  Also, an infuriating concept.  First of all, I'd like to pass on the pain.  And then I'm going to pass on learning from it, preferring to bitch and moan loudly, pausing only to plan on how to avoid it at all costs.  Learn from it?  Willingly?  Who are these people?

From a friend: "You are confusing boredom with serenity."

Me, talking to the select group of friends who won't take a swing at me, after listening to them share the details of a particularly painful experience which I have absolutely no idea how to ameliorate: "Boy, you're really going to be able to help someone at some point."  I'm not trying to be snarky when I say this, either, but I'm just speaking from my experience that sometimes when I'm going through something difficult and unwanted I'm gaining the knowledge that might help someone else down the road..

Keep It Complicated

"Try saying: "God bless her (or him)" of anyone who is in disharmony with you.  You should only desire blessing for them.  Leave God's work to God.  Occupy yourself with the task that He gives you to do."

Boy, the bullshit is thick this morning.  I'm planning on occupying myself with myself today.  It's Sunday - the day set aside for total self-absorption.

Next Saturday is the big Business Meeting for the Keep It Complicated group when we'll be discussing how and when the group should start meeting in person - the church has given us a tentative go-ahead - and how and if we should try to engage the malcontents in the breakaway group.  As you might imagine I have a lot of definite ideas as to how this should go.  I'm suppressing the fact that it won't go this way.  I'm really suppressing the fact that when it doesn't go this way I'll be somewhat ticked off.  I spoke briefly yesterday to my wife's sponsor who is also the moderator for the Business Meeting and a member of the Steering Committee that met recently to discuss how and what should what should be brought up at the Business Meeting, a meeting which will be poorly attended by the group members, who are apparently a lot smarter than I am as I plan to attend.  Yeah, sounds complicated, don't it?

First of all, my wife's sponsor is great woman.  The only flaw in her participation - and the participation of most of the other non-Eastern U.S. members of the group - is that she will bend over backwards to make sure every fucking last scrap of minutiae is flogged to death with a cat-o'-nine-tails.  People are so nice out here they make me sick.  Everyone should be flogged with the cat-o' before we start just to make sure they're paying attention to what I want to have happen.

Seriously, though, sometimes we take a simple thing and make it complicated.  Currently the members are meeting on Zoom.  Now the church has offered the meeting space again for in-person meetings with plenty of understandable conditions such as wearing PPE and strict attendance limits, in accordance with state and county regulations.  Fine, open the meeting up to whoever wants to attend and let anyone who is still uncomfortable attending in person stay engaged on Zoom.  Boom.  Adjourn the meeting.  The problem, of course, with all of the varied and sundry and deranged personalities in any Alcoholics Anonymous group is that the opinions and desires are going to be all over the place.

Brother Seaweed is going to take a Vow of Silence.

Seaweed: Great Thinker

Think: To communicate to oneself in one's own mind.  (Ed. Note: Pardon my language this morning but that's fucking priceless.  Talking to myself in my own head.  Boy, that sounds productive . . . )

I'm a great thinker.  I think and think and think.  I also talk to myself all of the time which is just a souped-up version of thinking.

You can't think your way into good acting - you have to act your way into good thinking.

If you're having trouble putting this concept into practical use here's a few examples that might by helpful: "I think that guy's an idiot."  See how easy that is?  How about: "I think I'm going to eat that entire bag of cookies" or maybe "I think I'll tell my boss what an idiot he is."  Another couple of excellent examples that you should feel free to use.

I was belaboring some stupid problem to my sponsor early on when he interrupted me to say: "Why don't you just go home and scrub down your kitchen walls?"  He was clearly tired of me thinking and then telling him in great detail what I had been thinking about.  He was ready for me to do something.

Angry Chris

A guy shared at the meeting yesterday who picked up the nickname Angry Chris early in his sobriety.  A dude also shared who calls himself Poor Petey - he gave himself this name.  It's bad enough when your friends stick you with a nickname that is not meant to be complimentary but when you do it to yourself that's another matter altogether.  Sometimes I joke that my nickname should be Half-Measures Seaweed, as in "half-measures availed us nothing."  I do have a tendency to try to get by with as little effort as possible.  As Homer Simpson said in his campaign to become the Garbage Commissioner of Springfield: "Can't someone else do it?"  Unfortunately, it's usually the case that these nicknames have a lot of truth in them that we can learn from.

I get it in a general sense.  Sometimes I do things to keep my shortcomings in the forefront so they're always getting proper attention.  I don't want to obsess over my defects but I'm a guy who lived for many, many years ignoring them, repressing them, minimizing them, suppressing them, and I can't improve if I'm not paying attention to their forceful presence in my life.

That being said I also have to be careful that I'm not taking the message too much to heart.  If you tell a child repeatedly that's she stupid eventually she'll begin to believe that she's stupid, ignoring all evidence to the contrary.

I was at a men's spiritual retreat many years ago, talking with an old, dear friend, one of those guys who doesn't have to tip-toe around with me because he knows that our friendship is so solid that it can handle the occasional upset.  If I piss you off, either by mistake or with malice of forethought, because I'm saying something you need to hear, and that damages the relationship it wasn't much of a relationship to begin with.  I was talking about the fact that I'm not naturally a very grateful person when he interrupted me.  I'm a lot more grateful than I give myself credit for and I'm getting more and more grateful the longer I stay sober and, frankly, I think the human condition tends toward fear and ingratitude because it's a tough, scary world out there, but apparently I was taking it too far.  "I hear you saying that, Seaweed," he said.  "But I see in your actions that it isn't true.  You behave as if you're grateful."

I've remembered this bluntness for many years.  Be hard on yourself but give yourself a break.

Old Yeller

 If I was more of a religious guy I'd say that sometimes shit happens that's so ridiculously transparent that there's no other explanation than that of God or a God acting directly in my life.  Either that or it's a hell of a coincidence that I'm choosing to interpret as the act of God or a God or some God.  I'm always suspicious of people who offer up a fervent prayer to their God because they're late for an appointment and Viola! some asshole in a Porsche pulls out just as they're pulling up.  I dunno.  I'm not sure God has the time to monkey around with parking spaces in my small hometown.  He's got like a billion people in India to keep an eye on, too.

I was talking with SuperK yesterday - instead of my sponsor who, I realize now, would have been a better choice - about whether I owed an amends to the "Fuck you, Reuben!" character from the Break-Away Keep It Complicated meeting who so offended me a few months back.  In fact, I was so offended I de-friended him on Facebook, confirming that I still have the emotional maturity of a middle-school drop-out.  I should have added "Liar! Liar!  Pants on Fire" to my opprobrium as well.  That would have really showed him who was boss.

Anyway and here's the funny thing and this is why I should just keep my mouth shut 95% of the time . . . it wasn't actually this guy who suggested that Reuben do something that is anatomically impossible but which if he could, in fact, do he would be the happiest human on earth.  It sounded like this guy who, by the way, has been given the nickname Angry Bob so it wasn't that unreasonable for me to assume that he was, in fact, the yeller, yet it was not him.  It was another different asshole.

Actually, I've always had a soft spot for this character.  He fights everything . . . like me . . . and you can't tell him shit if it isn't his own idea . . . like me . . . and he's really working hard on getting better . . . like . . . well, like someone.  I enjoy people who can laugh at themselves.  This morning we had a tag meeting and after I shared I called on Bob.  I've been taught that when I find someone offensive I need to draw close to find out exactly why this is because I usually learn something valuable about myself.  Bob talked about being in the situation of having to take over some responsibility for his aging parents.  This gave me the opportunity to text him to share some of my experience on chipping in with my folks when they were failing  and how one of the things I've never been proud of after the fact is how little I did compared to how much I could have done

Blue Collar God

"Misuse of willpower.  Our whole trouble had been the use of willpower.  We are certain that our intelligence, backed by willpower, can rightly control our inner lives and guarantee us success in the world we live in."

Proper:  Specifically adapted or suitable to a specific purpose.

"It is the proper use of the will."

The following vignettes come from this morning's meeting . . . 

People in A.A. have taught me how to care about others.  Really care - not the surfacey, quid pro quo caring I did when I was drinking.  When I was growing up I always felt like I was on the outside looking in.  Most people seemed to get it.  They seemed to get most things.  I got very little.

I have trouble differentiating my will from God's will.  As a general rule if I really want something or really want to avoid something I don't think God is too involved.

In A.A. we aren't so much brothers and sisters in virtue but rather comrades in defects.  I like to use the word "broken" to describe my general state when I first got here.  I never liked the phrase "sick alcoholic."  A whiff of judgmental morality wafts off of that phrase.

Spiritual:  Of or pertaining to the spirit or the soul; pertaining to God; incorporeal; not material.

The topic today was "picking up the simple kit of spiritual tools."  Or maybe it was "picking up the kit of simple spiritual tools."  "Simply picking up the kit of very simple tools?"  I wasn't listening too closely, apparently.  This is hard stuff to do.  It isn't complicated stuff but it can be hard to put into action.  "Be Nice" or at least "Don't Be Such An Asshole," for instance, aren't revolutionary concepts but they can be astonishingly hard to practice.  A.A. didn't come up with the concepts of loving others more than loving yourself.  Nonetheless, hard to put into action when dealing with the various and sundry assholes out there getting in my way.

Yesterday we read out of The Big Book (Fun Fact: It was called the Big Book originally because, in an attempt to make the volume seem like a good value - hopefully attracting the attention of cheap alcoholics -  it was printed on cheap stock which was by nature thicker and meatier.  If you were going to get a cheap alcoholic to buy a book it worked better if it was big.) from Bill's Story.  It was the section where his alcohol-soaked brain cracked open just a bit and he was actually considering the benefits of finding a spiritual path.  A lot of us are very, very logical, very, very skeptical, unwilling to accept anything that can't be clearly proven.  I'm a scientist, drawn to scientific disciplines because of the beauty of the facts, the indisputable facts.  Things are or they are not.  Things can be proven and they can be repeated over and over with exactly the same results, if they're done correctly.  There is a right way and a wrong way.  A spiritual awakening can't operate like this.  It's unique to each individual.  We can get guidance and direction but then it's best to go with the flow, let 'er rip and see where you end up.  I always believed in God but it wasn't a practical God.  Today my Higher Power is a God that works.  He's blue collar all the way.

Blue Collar God would be an excellent name for a hard rock band.

*&^!! 'Em

"I must try to love all humanity.  (Ed. Note: ALL humanity?  Jeebus.)  Love comes from thinking of every man or woman as your brother or sister because they are children of God.  (Ed. Note: EVERY man or woman?  Jeebus Heebus.  That's a lot of people.  That's too many people.  I think we should all be able to leave some people out.  It should be like jury duty where the lawyers can simply reject people in the jury pool without giving an explanation.  We should be able to say: "Nah, I don't like the guy.  Fuck 'em.  He's out.")  This way of thinking makes me care enough about them to really want to help them.  I must put this kind of love into action by serving others.  (Ed. Note: Want to HELP other people?  REALLY want to help them?  SERVING others?  Good grief but we're out of control here.)

It sort of ruins the mood when I take a spiritual passage and eviscerate it with undisguised snark.

Steering Committee:  A group who guides a body on a project from start to finish.  Members of steering committees meet and collaborate to define, prioritize, and control projects. They also provide guidance to the project manager on various issues.

I was at the inaugural gathering of the Keep It Complicated Steering Committee yesterday.  It didn't look like an official group as described in the official definition - it looked like five aging men and women sitting around amazed at the power and force of all the personalities found in a group of Alcoholics Anonymous.  It makes me laugh, it makes me cringe, it makes me angry, all at the same time.  

Actually, it was fine.  I believe we're simply going to have two separate groups going forward.  I have no idea why we needed a steering committee to figure that out.  Suburban Bill and other friends of mine from the Midwest and the East Coast wondered why we had to include the break-away members in any discussion of how the original group was going to handle things once we start to have in-person meetings.  That was my suggestion at the outset: "They don't want to come?  Fuck 'em.  They can stay where they are then."  I'd like to say that my attitude was mostly tongue in cheek but there was some real honesty behind it.  I didn't actually say these things out loud but I did let it be known that I thought the members of the original group should decide how the original group is going to operate.  Why would we query people who don't attend that meeting, who have said they aren't going to attend that meeting, and who appear to have some giant, Buick-sized resentments about that meeting?  I mean, why would I bend over backwards to get someone that pissed to come back to my meeting?  Personally, I'd like them to stay where they are, resentments and all.  Personally, I believe A.A. is best served by having as many different meetings as possible so we get a ton of mixing and matching of personalities.

Because I learn from all of the mixing and matching I was gratified to hear a couple of the people last night bring up group unity and comity in A.A.  "Our common welfare comes first; personal recovery depends on A.A. unity."  I mean, it's the first Tradition.  Number one.  It suggests that without unity in our Fellowship I will struggle to recover personally.  So when I get the "fuck those people" jive going on I'm glad some less pissy people are around to make sure I look at the issue from a different angle.  Because my angle sucks sometimes.

Back To The Big Book

 "I must keep calm and unmoved in the vicissitudes of life.  I must go back into the silence of communion with God to recover this calm when it is lost even for one moment.  I will accomplish more by this calmness than by all the activities of a long day.  At all cost I will keep calm.  I can solve nothing when I am agitated.  I should keep away from things that are upsetting emotionally."

I should try to remember this when I'm tempted to read the news.

"The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.  The alcoholic is absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge."

I should try to remember this whenever I think I'm too smart which is all the time.  I like the use of the words "absolutely" (utterly, positively, wholly) and "smashed" (to break violently; to hit extremely hard) in this passage.

"So far as alcohol is concerned, self-confidence is no good whatever."

I should try to remember this whenever I'm too certain about my abilities to manage life and navigate this world.  Some self-confidence is good but not where alcohol or drugs is concerned.  I'm toast in those areas.

"We alcoholics have lost the ability to control our drinking.  We know that no alcoholic ever recovers control."

I should try to remember this whenever . . . well, I should try to remember this all the time.  I like the use (and the underlining for added emphasis) of the word "ever" which, when combined with "no" means  "never" (at no time; on no occasion; under no circumstance).

"The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker.  The persistence of this illusion is astonishing.  Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death."

The brutality of those sentences need no interpretation.  Note the words "obsession," "abnormal," " insanity," and "death."  These are not good words.  These words do not convey positivity.  They are meant to smash you in the face.  These words head off any argument.  They state our position with zero nuance.  Drink if you will.  Drink if you must.  But you will never drink normally ever again.

Aphorism

 "I will try to make the world better and happier by my presence in it.  I will try to help other people find the way God wants them to live.  I will be gentle with all people.  I will try to see other people's difficulty . . . I will always pray to God to act as interpreter between me and the other person."

All Without My Input

 Only in A.A. . . . 

Now that things are opening up in SoCal the great Resorting of live versus Zoom A.A. meetings is beginning.  Every time I get bent out of shape when the personalities in A.A. are in conflict I have to shake my head and laugh about the personalities in A.A.  We are people who are prone to conflict.  We don't like being told what to do.  We're argumentative and judgmental and intolerant.  Each one of us - every man woman and child - thinks that they have the best ideas and then they spend every waking minute trying to convince everyone else this is so and if they can't they develop great, big, virulent resentments which they're loath to give up even if it makes me . . . er . . . them . . . miserable.

I took two phone calls yesterday - the first from one of my most beloved women friends in A.A. and one from the long-timer who served as my temporary sponsor when I first came to town, obviously a guy I have a lot of respect for.  The "Keep It Simple If By Simple You Mean Complicated As Hell" group received a letter from the church indicating that the facility was beginning to reopen and that the meeting would soon be welcome to return at a reduced capacity.  Because CA is on the fast-track to a complete relaxation of restrictions this reopening may move along with alacrity with more and more people being permitted to attend.

Because complication is the theme of the group the two factions decided to put together a steering committee to address some different issues: Are the two meetings looking to recombine?  At the old place or the new one?  Should we stay separate and just have two different meetings?  Etc. etc. etc.  I don't even know what a steering committee is so I stayed about 100 miles away from that whole thing.  I got a resentment hearing the phrase "steering committee."

My girlfriend is about three years sober; she works in a county office that has a lot of contact with the public so being around strangers inside is a daily occurrence; she has a steady boyfriend but he's out of town a lot in his capacity as a Cal Fire employee so she's alone too much; and she has a 10 year old daughter who has had to stay home from school most days complicating her home life even further.  She also has been attending the in-person meeting the two days a week that her work schedule permits.  Initially, this annoyed me.  But listening to her talk yesterday I was nudged to consider the circumstances of her life and how frustrating it must be to deal with the isolation when she was in contact with people all day long anyhow so what's one more hour?  She said: "I just had had it with Zoom."  It felt different from the ringleaders of the break-away who - in my humble opinion - were implicitly stating more personal, political attitudes about a live meeting.  It was a good call for me.

Then my old temporary sponsor called.  He and I see eye to eye on a lot of issues but I have slotted him into the "California Nice" crowd.  It's no neat stereotype that doesn't ring true out here - people really are super-nice.  (Super is big here - everything is super-happy or super-cool.)  I can't get anyone to get pissed about anything - a real hindrance for someone who's mostly annoyed about everything.  He has invited a few of the regulars from the new Zoom - old Keep It Simple over to his house to discuss how we move forward.  He actually attended a couple of the live meetings and was, I think, sort of taken aback by the simmering animosity and low-level grievance he could feel.  It sounds like the ringleaders at that meeting have tossed down a gauntlet - we're not coming back to the old meeting place and you're welcome to join us here.

So my guess is that some of the people I really don't like all that much aren't returning and most of the people that I really do like will be.  Because our attendance will be much reduced in size we may have an issue with making our rent payment but I can't see the church tossing us out.

All without me doing anything.  Hmmm Hmm Hmm.

Pshaw

 I heard a new dude share at a meeting this morning that he had a really good life right after mentioning that he tried to commit suicide a number of times over a multiple day period before he got sober.  You cannot make this stuff up.  No one interrupted him or criticized his share but I think he's still got some baggage to unpack.  I'm not sure he's got things figured out yet.  I'm not sure he knows what we're trying to get accomplished.  He's got a ways to go.

"When trouble comes, do not say: 'Why should this happen to me?'  Leave yourself out of the picture.  Think of other people and their troubles and you will forget about your own.  After a while, it will not matter so much what happens to you.  It is not so important any more, except as your experience can be used to help others who are in the same kind of trouble."

Well, I'm calling Bullshit on the idea that what happens to me doesn't matter, that I'm not so important.  That is total crap.  When something unpleasant happens to me or I'm denied something I want I say: "Why me?  Why me!?" all the time, and feel very comfortable doing so.  The idea that I would spend any of my valuable time - time dedicated to thinking about myself - thinking of someone else is laughable and generally amusing to the point of raw absurdity.  

Pshaw on that.

On The Wagon

 "All alcoholics have personality problems.  Alcoholics cannot stop drinking unless they find a way to solve their personality problems.  That's why going on the wagon doesn't solve anything.  That's why taking The Pledge usually doesn't work."

There used to be a thing called the water wagon which was a horse-drawn conveyance that was used to spray water on dirt roads to keep the dust down.  So if you were "on the wagon" you apparently were riding on this cart where no alcohol was served.  It seems to me that if you wanted to stop drinking there would be easier methods.  Why wouldn't you be "in the church" or "on the small rowboat?"  There are lots of places that don't have alcohol.  I personally would rather not sit on a dusty, rattling, jarring wagon riding around right behind a horse that was undoubtedly taking the occasional shit while it was working.  "Take the pledge" is also good but I don't have anything funny or weird to say about it.  Sort of a dry aphorism.

This idea of personality problems is one of the linchpins of Alcoholics Anonymous.  This idea that we have to address the root causes of our drinking to solve the problem.  If all you had to do is to stop then treatment centers and rehabs would be turning out winners 100% of the time.

"Loosen your hold on earth, its cares and its worries.  Unclasp your hold on material things, relax your grip, and the tide of peace and serenity will flow in."

This idea that loosening your grip on what is material and inherently transitory is another linchpin of A.A.  I've found that a deep satisfaction is more easily found in what is spiritual and inherently enduring than focusing too much on the material.  This is all very nice to write about, of course, and much harder to put into practice.  The cares and attractions of our material world - right there in front of me and difficult to ignore - tend to crowd in and obscure the much less distinct spiritual part of my life.

Total Inability

Total:  Complete; absolute.

"But it is from our twisted relations with family, friend, and society at large that many of us have suffered the most.  We have been especially stupid and stubborn about them.  The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being.  We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society.  Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it.  This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation  with any one of those about us.  Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension."

"To see how erratic emotions victimized us often took a long time.  We could perceive them quickly in others, but only slowly in ourselves.  Where other people were concerned, we had to drop the word 'blame' from our speech and thought.  This required great willingness even to begin."

"We learned that if we were seriously disturbed, our first need was to quiet that disturbance, regardless of who or what we thought caused it."

Remember

 "Remember that the first quality of greatness is service.  A life of service is the finest life we can live.  We are here on earth to serve others.  This is the beginning and the end of our real worth.  All our human relationships depend on this.  When we let God's spirit rule our lives, we learn how to get along with others and how to help them."

The Groove

 Funny how meetings seem to get into a groove sometimes where the same ideas come up over and over.  They're usually good ideas, of course, and worthy of repetition, the point being that sometimes when I need to hear a certain theme or concept it seems to be repeated over and over.  Service has been my reminder du jour lately.  How am I being of service?  What am I doing for other people?  How am I loosening some of the fascination I have with myself and all of the excruciating minutiae of my boring life?

A section of the Big Book that we read had a woman show up at a meeting where only one other member was present.  She was new and he sat there and listened to her drone on and on until she was talked out.  Wherever two members are . . . that's a meeting.  His service was sitting mute for an hour while this newcomer was beginning to plug in.  It required no special knowledge or experience.  Makes me think about how I stake out a spot near the door of my regular meetings and call that service.  Reminds me of a scene from Monty Python where King Arthur is trying to cross a bridge that is guarded by a fearsome, Darth Vader-like knight, clad in black armor from head to toe.  To Arthur's request to cross the bridge he says: "None . . . shall pass."  When Arthur informs him he's coming anyway Darth Vader in Iron warns: "Then . . . you shall die."  I'm not that strident about greeting people but I'm trending that way.

With the service topic sponsorship usually makes an appearance.  I'm still befuddled and bemused by how hands-on it is here in laid-back California - lots of getting together face-to-face, reading the book slowly, with the sponsor explaining what things mean.  Whew.  My first sponsor in Indianapolis never sat down with me in person, ever.  I called him and he talked to me for a short period of time - usually less than five minutes - and then the conversation ended, usually with me seething at something this asshole said.  I didn't get the sense he was particularly interested in anything I had to say.  I don't sponsor people here, mostly because no one asks me and if they do they usually flee quickly.  It's not that I'm mean or anything, just that I'm not going to read The Book with anyone.  Read The Book on your own fucking time and call if you have a question or a comment.  Frankly, I don't have enough insight on anyone else's life to be comfortable telling them how to interpret the literature.  If you want a more in-depth explanation of what's in The Book then go to Book study meetings where they read The Book and you can get input from a lot of different people, not one deeply flawed individual

Help Me, Mr. Wizard

Help is the sunny side of control. 

"Since defective relations with other human beings have nearly always been the immediate cause of our woes .  . .  The moment we ponder a twisted or broken relationship with another person our emotions go on the defensive."

"The first thing apparent was that this world and its people were quite wrong.  To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got.  Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person entirely.  Where were we to blame?  The inventory was ours, not the other man's.  We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick.  Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick, too."

"Finally, we begin to see that all people . . . are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong, and then we approach true tolerance and see what real love for our fellows actually means."

"Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us."

One of the journals I keep is reserved for transcribing sections of the Big Book and 12 & 12 that I find particularly helpful.  So much of my books are underlined and highlighted at this point that I need to make a special provision for really good stuff.  The above sections came from a surprisingly large cross-section of the literature and were relevant over several different Steps.  I'd say The Founders were pretty sure we like to blame other people, places, and things for everything.  I think Bill W gets a little pious about alcoholics from time to time, with all of the "other people are sick" talk, but he does make it clear that shifting the blame to others is not what we do.  

Whenever I'm asked to chair a discussion meeting I pull out the Books.  It's hard to screw up a meeting when I'm reading from the Books.