Fucking Tests

I am under the impression that, here in the US of A, somebody is making a lot of money on medical testing.  We do a lot of testing here.  At least a lot of tests are being done on me which is all I care about.  Don't get me wrong - I'm not opposed to the occasional medical test.  Sometimes you have to test some body part or organ or internal area to see if there's a problem or what the problem is and what needs to be done about it.   Fair enough.  I'd rather not have my doctors flying blind.  My problem with the testing is that we seem to be looking awfully hard for potential problems that might not be all that serious.  I'm sure if a mechanic dug around under the hood of my Very Expensive Car he could find something to fix.  Maybe a bad Johnson Rod, for instance.

A couple of weeks ago my primary care doc talked me into this simple test for bowel cancer that came back positive.  I did not see this coming.  The test is inaccurate and frequently wrong which is why I hadn't taken it before but now it indicates a possibility - a pretty small possibility but a possibility nonetheless - that there is cancer present.  And the test to verify this test is a big, messy, expensive, invasive pain in the fucking ass kind of test.

Frankly, I'd just rather not know.  I feel like my car insurance guy has called up and offered me a very expensive rider to my policy that protects me against falling meteors or civil insurrection or damage incurred by charging rhinos.  I say it's reasonable to decline this additional insurance.  I also say in the remote chance that a meteor hits your car you would regret not having the insurance.

So what do you say?  "Ah, it could be cancer but fuck it, I'm not going to get the big test."  That's a hard one to stomach.

Before I head off this afternoon for a consult with my doctor I started on a book that a friend lent me called "Natural Causes - An Epidemic of Wellness, The Certainty of Dying, and Killing Ourselves to Live Longer."  Here's the first line and I am not making this up: "In the last few years I have given up on the many medical measures - cancer screenings, annual exams, for example - expected of a reasonable person . . . "

And later on "Once I realized I was old enough to die, I decided that I was also old enough not to incur any more suffering, annoyance, or boredom in the pursuit of a longer life.  As for medical care: I will seek help for an urgent problem, but I am no longer interested in looking for problems that remain undetectable to me.  As the time that remains to me shrinks, each month and day becomes too precious to spend in windowless waiting rooms and under the cold scrutiny of machines.   Being old enough to die is an achievement, not a defeat, and the freedom it brings is worth celebrating."

Amen.

I'm going to get the colonoscopy, of course.