If Its Italicized, Pay Attention

Some affirmations . . . 
I need to pick up some activities besides The Fellowship and exercise.
I am not going to be able to rampage physically through the world like I used to do.
"Once one reaches a certain age the body isn't going to respond the way it used to," - my doctor.  "Well, that's really not fair," - me.   "Good luck with that," - my doctor.
There's going to be a balance point where I quit talking so much, so casually about being older while accepting the fact that I'm not a youth, either.

Trip Gratitudes . . . 
My back has improved.
I am more tolerant and accepting of the damn thing.
I have added a bunch of activities and exercises that should help in the long run.
The trip showed me I can make do, I can persevere.
I can snuff a panic attack in the bud now - I can tell it to "sod off," reminding myself that I'm healthy and my back stood up just fine under a heavy load for 3 1/2 weeks.

Solution Stuff. . . 
Carry on - pay attention to the feedback but don't obsess over it.
Maybe the message is that I need to be more grateful.
Maybe the message is that it's OK to get old.

Observations . . .  More fucking observations . . . 
I think I'm afraid of getting old.  And over the last 18 months I did have the veins reconstructed in both of my legs to help mitigate two genetic blood clotting disorders that I have.  I also had a lot of work done on my teeth including an extraction which led to a sinus to oral cavity perforation (godDAM do I love writing that phrase) which required surgery serious enough that I had to be sedated (and left me with a mouth full of 20 stitches) which led to a massive infection that required 3 weeks of antibiotics to wrestle under control.  It seems to me that the low back aches were the straw that broke the camel's back.  Ed Note: the infection wasn't massive - it was more stubborn in its desire to hunker down and get comfortable in my warm, wet, dark, mucuoid cavities.

I am not good with loss.
Loss of function, loss of youth, loss of possibilities.

Facts of Seaweed . . . 
I am not happy with the same-old, same-old.  I am energized by new experiences.
Upon much deep reflection I have concluded that I don't feel bad about how I've reacted to the death of my loved ones.  I don't feel like I'm way off base.  I'm not an overly emotional man and I'm never going to skip and jump through life, weeping at the drop of a hat, a big smile on my face.  I'm a serious dude, thoughtful, vaguely anxious, so things are going to affect me more deeply than others.  But I DO need to heed the suggestions and observations of wiser people than me who have remarked on the facts - or lack of - in my grieving process.