Don't Wanna Go

I was rehashing my non-decision to do or not do something or the other regarding my family back in The Old City because it's what we drunks do: rehash things endlessly.  I noticed that one of my big justifications was the money I'd have to spend and I thought: "It's enough with the money already."  I realized that the money, while not to be discounted, is a subterfuge for the real reason that I'm not on a plane right now: I don't want to go.  If I wanted to go I'd spend the money.

That being said there's this: I AM careful with my money and it IS a relatively expensive trip to get back to The Old City which, for some incomprehensible reason, has very high fares in the middle of the winter.  This line of thought is OK - not totally commendable but understandable, reasonable.  Then we get into the subcutaneous stuff, the resentment stuff - my family has never come out here; my family doesn't offer to chip in when I go back there; my family won't pick me up at the airport or drop me off for my return flight unless it's damn convenient for them, leaving me to foot the bill for cars and hotels and the like. 

Not trusting my own ability to think like an adult I have been bouncing all of this off my friends in recovery who, for some reason - the bastards - aren't telling me what to do.  I never realized how annoying it is to tell someone that you have faith that they'll handle a sticky situation appropriately.  I guess the acid test for me is that I'm at peace with my relationship with my sponsor and I'm at peace with my relationships with my family.  This doesn't mean I can't act better or keep learning but that I'm doing the best I can with what I've got at this moment in time.