Some Bad Dudes

I spoke on the phone yesterday to my friend Willie.  He had told a small lie.  He wasn't feeling very good about it, which is as it should be.  Our tolerance for pain - limitless when we're drinking - just keeps going down as we try to live a spiritual life.  And I love the thought process I see in so many drunks: he had told a small lie -- it really was pretty harmless and inconsequential -- and he was sure he was going to be caught which would lead to this and then to that and then he would die on the streets, homeless, destitute, miserable, unloved.  I am familiar with this kind of thinking.  It is strangely near and dear to my heart.


I try to be supportive to my friends who are in pain.


"You're going to hell," I said.  "You know that."
"Really?  Hell?" he replied.
"Well, maybe not hell," I conceded.  "But wherever you end up there are going to be some pretty bad dudes there." 


Lying is one of those actions without nuance.  You are telling the truth or you are not.  I realize that some lies are more reprehensible than others.  "You're the best lover I ever had" or "No, that dress doesn't make you look fat" are lies that most of us would sympathize with.  We're not out to make anyone feel worse than they already do.  The acid test for me is to gauge how my behavior makes me feel.  If I feel bad then I have to do something about it.  If I don't think that I'm behaving well I don't need to have someone else confirm this.  It stands on its own merits.


My advice to people who are upset - the serious advice - is to pause for a minute.  Things that are unclear right now frequently clear up when I don't act rashly.  But the really important thing for me to remember is embossed on our anniversary coins: "To thine own self be true."  If it's eating me up I have to deal with it.


The thing about Willie's lie was that it wasn't meant to harm anyone.  There was absolutely no malice in it toward anyone.  It was one of those lies that you tell because you're afraid that you're going to lose something that you already have or that you're not going to get something that you want.  It was self-interest distilled down to its purest essence.  We laughed about the fact that, no matter how hard we try to be honest, sometimes something comes out and we can't stop it.  It breaks free.  


"Why the %$!! did I say that?" I'll think.  I have no idea most of the time.  Some thought will have reconnoitered the defenses, waited until the darkest moment of the darkest night, and made a run for it.


Some pretty bad dudes.