The Small, Still Voice

Herr Luber and I have been discussing some ongoing uncertainties in our lives and pondering how meditation and prayer can be part of the solution.  The Program has definitely put me in the Solution Business.  I know, I know, you're thinking: "Horseface?  In the solution business?!"  I will admit to having a long and storied love affair with the Problem Business.  I do love wallowing around in The Problem.  It's so warm and comforting and familiar there.  I'm proficient at problems; it's the solutions that elude me.


Meditation seems as if it's going to be such a waste of time before I get started with it.  I'm a guy and meditation isn't our thing, generally thinking.   I fix things following time-honored techniques, using my massive will and impressive intellect.  Sitting quietly and listening to my Inner Voice doesn't seem as productive as taking a jackhammer to something.  And then, to complicate matters, I don't feel like I've accomplished anything when I'm done meditating.  With the jackhammer, I can gaze approvingly at the remains of the wall.  I get up when I'm done meditating and I'm all: "OK, well, whatever."  It doesn't feel like anything has changed.  I put down the jackhammer and I'm like: "Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about."


The thing about my recovery is that I don't do anything until I see that it's going to be intensely practical.  I just won't make the effort unless I see some results; concrete results in my daily life.  It's the same thing with The Program: although I still don't really understand how it works I run into a lot of relatively happy people.  I'm curious, then, as to what they did to get relatively happy.  I'm not doing anything they suggest if they stay pissed and depressed.  It's the happy that I like.


The meditation helps me be quiet so I can hear some direction.  The direction isn't delivered with the subtlety of a football coach yelling at me through an amplified bullhorn.  Instead, I sense a slight shift in the direction of the breeze.  I get a sense that I should stop moving forward or maybe pick up my feet and get moving.  It becomes intuitive.


What's the opposite?  Jackhammer-itive?