Slow Down, Quickly

Moderate:  Within reasonable limits; avoiding excesses or extremes; temperate.


I will admit to being stunned that I haven't thought to look up the definition of the words "moderate" or "moderation" in the three years I've been writing whatever this thing I've been writing is called.  That should be an indication of how serious I am about the concept of moderation.  I bet I've looked up "excess" or "extreme" many times.  I bet there's a picture of me after each of those definitions.


When I was in Chicago, getting sober, learning how to live in moderation (ha ha ha), I tried to exercise regularly.   By "regularly" I mean frequent, ferocious exercise irregardless of health, weather, or obligations of any sort.  I tried to convince myself that I was being healthy, but really I was trying to run away from myself while running or biking or rowing.  I couldn't stand being stationary, where the voices in my head would scream bad things at high volume, so I was usually on the move, going nowhere fast.


One of my favorite excessive and painful exercises was to take a two hour bike ride.  One hour out; one hour back.  I know: I timed it.  This being Chicago I often battled wicked head winds which really hindered my progress.  If the wind was blowing, I had to ride harder.  If the wind was blowing hard, I rode really harder.  If there was a tornado, I put my head down and pedaled until my legs were on fire.


I was seeing an excellent therapist at the time, who was kind enough not to laugh or roll her eyes when I was talking.  I mentioned how unpleasant a lot of these bike rides were, with the wind and tornadoes and all.


"What are you training for?" she asked, not unreasonably.


"What do you mean?" I said, with a straight face.  "Training for?  I'm not training for anything."


"Why don't you slow down a little?" she asked, very reasonably.


Slow down?  Slow down?  I went home and pondered this.


I'm pondering it today.