There's a guy who comes to Keep It Complicated who has put together a couple of years of continuous sobriety. I like him just fine but I find his behavior somewhat off-putting from time to time. He's got a sharp mind and a quick wit, and he's got a good heart. What I find jarring sometimes is his timing when he interacts with other people. His behavior is not bad, it just doesn't land kindly all the time. Perhaps I should talk about myself to make this more clear: I have a dry sense of humor and a mildly skewed way of looking at the world. When I was getting sober I tried way too hard to be funny and way, way hard to be off beat and the result was often . . . oddly unpleasant. It wasn't the words - it was the timing and the context. It often didn't work. My attempt to be funny landed with a thud. I can say to Willie "Man, you are an idiot" and he'll roar with laughter. My timing is good, I have a history with the man, I'm not going to say this at an inappropriate time when he may be hurting. The words sound harsh but the effect is positive. It's affectionate. Put it down on a piece of paper and provide no context and it sounds awful. For example: I don't really find smutty, suggestive humor humorous. I'm not saying it isn't humorous - just that it isn't funny to me. It wouldn't take an Olympian amount of perception to pick up on the fact that I'm not enamored with this kind of joking around but my friend is not picking it up at all. I suppose I could tell him to knock it off but that's not really my style. I'm not comfortable suggesting that someone else should change or how that change should look - I'd prefer that they change all on their own and only if they feel like changing. After all, it's not my call how he should behave. Moreover, most alcoholics don't like to be criticized or prodded into behavior that they haven't decided is in their best interests. I like to think I get to take credit when things go my way and I get to take the blame when they don't. My sponsor for many years would laugh on the rare occasions I asked for advice: "Oh, no you don't," he'd chortle. "If it doesn't work out I don't want to hear about it."
Here's an example: I shared a story about a conversation I had with the young woman who was cutting my hair about addiction and recovery. I do this all the time - I'm far past the point of caring what anyone thinks about drugs and alcohol. It turns out she has some issues with drinking, too, and has actually been to rehab - amazing how often I get an identifying response when I talk about my recovery life - so I invited her to join me at the Keep It Complicated collection of knuckleheads and ne'er-do-wells, and offered to introduce her to some of the younger women who attend. My buddy came up afterwards and quipped about me being a dirty old man and he knew what I was up to. I get that he was trying to be funny and that some other people would think this is funny or that under the right circumstances even I would think it was funny but in this instance it landed with a hollow thud, a big clang. I know that I have a gentle, non-threatening way with younger men and women and that my style is more suited to girls than to boys. I get depression and guilt and shame better than I get anger and aggression and rowdy defiance. I wasn't at all offended at my buddy's ill-timed and poorly-delivered jabs - I got it that he was trying to be funny - because I understood that this was about him and not about me. This is how he might have been tempted to behave in a similar situation so he transferred his intent onto me. This would have been a good time to compliment me on my efforts to steer someone suffering into a recovery program instead of suggesting some kind of predatory intention.
I still like the guy. I think he's really changing. I bet he gets to a kinder, more perceptive place. But I hope that he retains his own personal Anthony-ness because this is what makes him genuine. We're able to build real connections with other people by being who we are all of the time.
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